A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have this friend, lets call her E, that went off the deep end this year. It wasn't drugs/alcohol or anything like that. She turned into a total dork and just stopped being a good friend. She would freak out over small things and then when someone had a real problem she wouldn't offer the same support we gave her. Plus she turned into a complete dork. Don't judge me. Anyway, I'm going into highschool (14) and I've tried to not talk to her this summer. Two of my friends also think we shouldn't be friends with her anymore, and the one isn't talking to her whatsoever. The other, however, thinks me and her should give her a makeover and be "aquaintances" with her. I don't want to do this, simply because it will give her the impression we are still friends. And on top of that, she wants to do it on her birthday, at the end of august. How can I get out of this/ send her the signal that I don't want to be friends?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks :) The thing I'm mostly worried about is even though she's been horrible, I don't want to hurt her feelings on her birthday. I feel like i need to be upfront, but I don't want to be a witch. I've decided its best for me to tell her now that we shouldn't be friends anymore. I'm nervous but it needs to be done. I'm going to say something along the lines of the second blunt version. I'm going to call her later. Thanks!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Yeah I get it. You can't hang out with her on her B-day, and tell her : hey,it was great to see you, Happy Birthday, oh, and btw : I hate you :).
Again, the blunt option, and the diplomatic one .
Blunt : you pick up the phone NOW, or way before the B-day, and tell her straight : look, I know I am supposed to join the other guys at your makeover party, but tbh I don't think I should. Unluckily you and I are not on the same page anymore, so happy birthday and all, but I prefer not to be there.
Diplomatic :
do like Carla Bruni Sarkozy, or Caroline of Monaco, when they don't want to go to some royal wedding or something. " Previous committment ". Pull out of your hat some event
that requires your or your family's presence, anything at all, no matter how trivial or silly, the annual Best Cucumber Expo of the local Garden Society is just fine. Do actually go, ( to be not caught in a lie ) - and this should give her the right message : anything rather than hanging out with her.
If she does not get the hint , though, you'll still have to tell her : Sorry but I find that we have drifted apart blah blah .
Embarassing but more human than just crossing her off suddenly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous: I don't care if my friends want to be friends with her. My two friends that also don't want to be friends came to me around the same time I was doubting our friendship. If they want to be friends with her, fine. And for your information, the girl who wants to give her a makeover came to me. And she already asked E and she thought it would be fun. I'm not ditching her because she is a dork. I'm ditching her because she isn't a good friend! When i said don't judge, i meant don't think that I'm leaving her because she's a dork. And I'm 14! I came to this site to aak how i should tell her! I've talked to her this summer. Rarely, here and there. I thought that would send her the signal that we're drifting apart! Obviously that was wrong! I get that now! But you didn't need to yell at me. Our other friends know that we don't really want to be friends with her, but we talked and said if they want to be friends with her that it was fine. And they didn't have to choose. Some agreed that she's been horrible but others didn't and it was fine. We're still all friends.
Cindycares: thank you :). I should've been more clear in my question. I don't want to do it, but if my friends want to its fine. I just don't know how to get out of it, and its on her birthday. That would be really rude. I don't want them to take sides, that would just be horrible.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 July 2011):
Uhm, I am a bit suspicious too. If the problem is that you don't want to be friends with her because she has been acting rude and inconsiderate- then don't be friends with her, problem solved. Nobody can force you to be her friend, and if she says something to you , you could tell her : I don't wish to be your friend because you have been acting rude and inconsiderate ( blunt version ) or sorry, I feel we have irrevocably drifted apart, we are too different now ( diplomatic version ).
But it sounds like the problem is that your other friends still want to be friends with her, and you don't like that. Why ? No skin off your nose, to each his own. If they still like her and want to give her a makover or celebrate her birthday or whatever, why shouldn'they- all you've got to do is not joining in.
Or do you want them to take sides, and be in an either me or her situation ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): Enough of this self pity nonsense! This girl is the same age as you I gather? Well wouldn't it be far more mature to speak to her about this issue rather than cut her off? I'm suspecting you expect your other friends to cut her off also?
You have no control over what they do, the decisions they make, the friends they choose. If you cut thisd girl off then you could force your friends to choose between you and seen as your acting like the brat they will choose her!
And finnally, you say I don't know her or you? No your right but you wanted opinions and there's mine!
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male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (25 July 2011):
 LOL, you tell her girl. Clearly if you were a bully you wouldn't have asked for help on how to deal with her you would have just given her the boot and not cared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous: you don't know her or me. She has a bunch of friends and has been acting rude and inconsiderate. My friend (b) had something with her stomach and for awhile the doctors didn't know what was wrong. It was very scary. Anyway, shes a dancer and at her dance competition she blew up at the same friend because she "didn't wish her good luck". However during the whole stomach thing she would constantly complain at how B "wouldn't shut up about it". B was really scared and talked about it with us because we were her friends. She's not a good friend, and I shouldn't have to put up with her. I don't "target" her. I don't make fun of her. I'm removing myself from a person who is more nasty and vindictive to me and my friends than I am to her. I don't have to put up with that. And for your information, I was bullied. I know how it feels. I switched schools because I couldn't take it anymore and I make sure i don't put anyone else in that situation. Didn't you read my question? Sure she's a dork, i added that because I felt the best way to ask wad to give as much answers as possible. I don't want to be her friend because she isn't a good friend.
For the other answerers, thank you :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): Also you asked not to be judged, well in order to give advise people need to be able to judge the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): Your reasons for ditching her as a friend dont really seem fair or valid, so what she a dork! Explain how she is a dork? As long as shes not hurting anybodys feelings, i dont see how this makes her a bad person, which make your behaviour towards her totally unreasonable. What right have you and your friends to give this girl a makeover? Who says you and your friends are fashion experts? You need to look at your own behaviour, and the girls you hang round with. Whos to say they wont turn so quick on you. Just be honest with this girl, tell her you and your friends have nothing in common with her anymore and leave it at that. Try be mature about it dont bully the girl.
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male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (24 July 2011):
Well as long as you have come to this conclusion on your own and not because other people have told you too. Remember she has feelings too and you dont want to hurt her feelings but if you truly cant deal, then just sit down with her the next chance you get and tell her the reasons you cant be friends with her anymore. Tell her youre sorry and go your seperate ways.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): What your doing is bullying. You ask us not to judge you so what are you here for?
14 or however old you are, this behaviour is unacceptable. How would you like to be targeted by a group of girls and made to feel worthless? Is she not pretty enough for you? Or clever enough?
This girl probably hasn't got any friends as it is and you are purposly drowning her self esteem. The only advice I am going to give you is to stop being so nasty and vindictive, whatever it is your are jealous of- get over it! Your friends may just turn there back on you one day and you'll have know one to blame but yourself.
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