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How can I get the spark back into our boring relationship?

Tagged as: Faded love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 June 2005) 23 Answers - (Newest, 14 December 2008)
A , anonymous writes:

Dear cupid, my boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year now and I'm starting to get bored with our relationship and I've stopped wanting to have any physical contact with him. He's always working and I can only see him at night for like an hour. I love him but don't want to break up with him. How can I make our relationship not so boring and work?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008):

For me the spark is completely gone in our relationship, I try to think about the days when I got an adrenaline rush just from glancing at him, now it feels like I've been stuck in a dead end romance since we met. The worst thing about it is that he hasn't clued in that something is wrong. Really, nothing should be wrong, we make eachother laugh, were very close friends, but I liked the fire that came with romantic pursuit. I keep on trying to bring the flame back but so far nothing has worked. I don't know what's wrong with me, I get bored of relationships easily and I hate that, but I want to try and reverse it.

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A male reader, dj_2009 United States +, writes (12 December 2008):

search for more interesting and exciting things to do with your partner. and whoever told you about working to be pretty needs to punch himself. he's an idiot.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008):

Take this into a serious consideration:

I am a guy who works a lot and have been in a relationship for nearly 1 year. With time the spark and excitement goes away, if you let it go away.

In this case, I see that there is almost no interest in physical relationship anymore, most likely because you have been having sex in a certain way for too long. Switch it up, change positions, go buy a Kamasutra book, try something new. Go out and get a Brazilian Wax, look sexier. Fix your self up a little bit... That will excite your bf and get him back into a Stud Mode - I'm sure sex was great before... Tell him you want to try a new position. Just like anything else in life, you get get bored of the same routine... change things up!

As far as keeping relationship strong outside of the bedroom ... Once again, fix your self up!!! Men will always look around, regardless if they are with the most beautiful woman. Women get very comfortable as time goes by and start looking as they wish... Ladies, you can not do that... Men are hunters, and they are looking to get the best out there... I am not saying that your bf will go out and cheat or looking for another woman, I am saying that if you want to keep relationship healthy you need too look good!

You need to make sure you are desirable by him and other men as well... If other guys are not hitting on you or not asking you for a number, that's a problem...

Now, keep in mind I am writing this and thinking that you (woman) are somewhat a good looking one and do take care of your self.

Also, Ladies... Please do not push us with your comments on how you think you gained weight... or how you think you need to diet... If you think so, most likely that is what it is, and you should go out and get on a stair master.

Now, if you do the above, there is no reason why your BF would not want to improve and make your relationship "Happier", believe me, he will find time in his busy day, it will be more than 1 hour...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007):

Me and my bf were on and off for 5 years now and we also realised that there was something missing. We decided to be friends and see if that would help, cause we both still love each other. It has already been one day and its all coming back again. :) And yes, it is life that gets us down, for 2 weeks it has been silly season for both of us and we have functions and see little of each other. That made it real hard and I started seeing all the negetive things that was going wrong. Thanks a LOT for the advice. And o yeah, if there is love, there is DEFNITELY hope. Good luck people.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007):

Everyone seems so suprised when "the spark" leaves a relationship...

We're human, it's natural and regrettably very normal in long term relationships. Consider it the next phase as opposed to the end.

Rather than giving up, take comfort in the fact that it happens to everyone and that we can get through it.

First, you are either sure you love one another or you're not. If love is still there, there's hope.

If you're unsure talk about it. BE HONEST. Give it some time. Follow you're insticts. Don't be in denial. You'll know. I'm sure you already do.

Talk to one another and get everything out. Write a letter if it's easier. (throw some flowers or dinner with it ; )

What you can do on a daily basis:

- Kisses, Smiles, Hugs

- Little acts of kindness go a long way (help with the dishes, or give a foot massage)

- Leave love notes (on mirror, in work bag, on drawers)

- Spend a little extra time. Because we can't ever forget when we're gone it's not things we leave behind but the people we've loved and those who have loved us. Material things and money won't be going along with us and definately won't miss us (even though we may miss them ; ) Real happiness is in people remeber to love and be loved.

But love needs encouragemnet so...

Search the city pages or upcoming events locally and make a plan to get out and do something different.

Plan a suprise romantic hotel night. (Buy some fun position books and don't forget the lingerie and wine)

Play a board game.

Get a group of friends together and go out to a movie and dinner, or bar hopping. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND AWAY FROM THE TV.

Learn something new about your partner, ask questions you've never asked. Get out and do something you've never done.

Do something fun and crazy

Now come up with one on you're own!

Love is hard and it takes work, but everything worth while is going to be hard. Without suffering we could never feel happiness, right?

Relationships are work and maintaining them isn't easy. Find hope in your love, Find motovation to change things up. Communicate, respect, love, and maybe pray a little.

You can do this! Have hope, have fun ,and good luck.

Good luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

if u really want to know be a little agressive w/ ur bf especially during more passionate times and nothing shows a guy that u truly care for him more than a bj cuz thats dedication to ur bf

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007):

What if she doesnt want to try new things. Its getting boring. We both have started our own enterprise helping each other out, but I feel I'm doing the bulk of the work. Being older I can handle stressful situations in a calm and composed manner, she on the other hand falls apart at the slighest problem. I'm getting to see a side that I never did before and its not something I can put up with any longer since I have the burden of carrying on the enterprise as well without any help.

This is not the woman I fell in love with. I needed someone to love and to hold, to share thoughts etc. Of late, its me who is carrying everything. I think the spice is gone, the conversation is also getting stale, I love her but I was hoping for a more independent woman!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

Yes I have been married for going on thirteen years now, and I feel the spark is totally gone. I see other couples and hear other couples stories and I get jealous, and want that so bad. Life is crazy, I am in college and working part time, he works, and is finishing a side job. Life is hard and I think the every day worries really effects peoples relationships. I also just wonder whom we feel we love, are they really the one? Is it just that people hook up and just really are not ment for each other. I alwayd feel that if you love someone, you love them, why would it leave, why would the spark go, if you love them and want to be with them? I am trying to do more with him to see if that helps, trying to spark some things up myself. Good luck to all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007):

yeah. My boyfriend and i have been talking of how the spark is gone now and we've been together for 2 years. We have the best chemistry ever. We decided to go on a break and hopefully it will help.

Good luck to all of you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007):

Hi, it's been close to 5years now that my fiance and I are living together.For the past 2 years I have realized Dat the spark in our relationship has gone.When I try tell him this, he says it becoz of me, I don't know wat to do anymore, I am very socialable and he is not, He does like me to go out with friends or even on my own, he freaks out if I speak to another male. I don't understand him, how can I get him to open up to me, I am becoming really annoyed, and sometimes I want to end this relationship. I feel dat he is very possessive, Most of my friends said that I don't need a guy like this, bcoz I will only end up being unhappy, the only reason why I am still with him, is bcoz I really love him and want to b with him, but I don't know if he is feeling the same way,

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007):

me n my boyfriend have been together for nearly two years now, but i get so worried that hes bored of me because we never have a laugh anymre. wen we are together we are with alot of ppl including other girls. N it seems he has a laugh n opens up more to them then he does to me. it seems that all our relationship is is sex. But i want that spark back of fun, n i have no idea how to get it. knowing that our relationahip is a secret from my parents used to make it fun but now its getting so much hard work, i cant enjoy been with him yet i love him so much.

What can i do ...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007):

I seem to be having the same problem...and I have just gone on antideppressants. Could this be why? And if so, will it be like this the whole time I'm on anti-d's?

I love my partner so much, and we used to have the best relationship. But now I can feel that amazing connection slipping away...I know it will be partly due to me sitting round and worrying about it, but could it also be from the anti-d's?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007):

I have to agree with with the first response.

My gf and I are experiencing the same thing. We've both felt like we've lost the spark in our relationship. There's a lot of factors why, and right now, all I want to do is get it back.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007):

sweety as some of the other people have said you need to find something to do other than think about what is wrong, find somthing to do that is fun for you and then when you do spend time together you can chat about that and then may be he will open up to you more.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007):

Try what I did, try being friends for a day to realize how much you two really need eachother

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007):

My boyfriend and I are having the same problem. The cause....life. We are both busy with work and teenage children (more time consuming than an infant!) We just don't seem to have enough time to devote to one another. In a time when everyone demands something from you, trying to fit another person in can seem like another demand instead of a pleasure. The answer, I'm working on it! I am going to try some new activities, something to break up the monotony of the every day grind. Even if its just hitting a coffee shop or a dinner out. Every relationship loses the "bells & whistles", this I know. And if it is life that is getting in the way, making things seem boring, maybe you have to just take some consolation in the fact that someone loves you and cares about your well being until you can figure out some way to put a little of the magic back.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006):

Is there a chance he could be cheating? If the spark is gone, maybe he's looking elsewhere.

Just offering a different persepctive.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006):

I have this problem from time to time its just due to boredom and sitting around thinking about the negatives...If you were out there with a hobby or job like the person above has mentioned then it will take your mind off things....There is an unbalance im sure your boyfriend feels fine about things because he is out there working and mixing with other people....you can't just rely on your boyfriend you need to do other things and see other friends as well....I made that mistake with my girlfriend and now she is going out more and we try to do more together instead of sitting around doing nothing at home....

dont worry about things...

good luck to you

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2006):

Honey, your only experiencing the effects of biology. When your in love, high levels of serotonin pervade your brain and nervous system. Over time your body grows tolerant and less sensative to the neuro chemical. "you start to feel "less in love", the spark or butterflies are gone. This is a normal part of relationships, it cannot last forever. True attachment and love is derived from deep admiration and respect for the other individual. Commitment itself should become the source of fulfillment.

Feel proud that you appreciate each other as people not just lovers. Regarding the bedroom, this is a tougher aspect of change within a relationship over time. Talk, talk talk, about what you like, what gets you hot. Surprise him, surprise yourself, try different things, get out of your comfort zone. These are things that can jump start this area of your relationship and cause you to appreciate different and newly discovered sides of each other. No matter how long you know each other, people are complex, and they rarely share it all. Find out more, and you will appreciate more.

Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006):

I wish i knew. me and my bf- weve been on a break for a week now. my life seems to be worth nothin without him. i was with him for 3years. i find this really hard, and all this cos we couldnt feel the spark no more. as long as im with him i dont care if there is a spark or not. i love him no matter what

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2005):

I had this same problem in my relationship not long ago, and to be honest the best thing to do is take some time out. Even if that is the stem of the problem. Time apart will give to both time to think about where your relationship is going, and help you make clearer assesments and decisions on where it is you want it to go. Once both of you have had time to think about these things you will find the answers you were looking for, which will either making your relationship stronger, or lead you both in different directions.

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A reader, schlottjl United States +, writes (6 June 2005):

schlottjl agony auntFirst, have you had any health changes? New meds (including birth control or anti depressants?) If yes, (particularly the two I mentioned) they could be the reason.

If there are no new med concerns I suggest checking out the post I just made to the gal who just asked if she should believe he is not sexual. It is long but a sure fire way to bump things up a notch. In a nutshell, do not do anything the way you usually would, go to a "love" shop and get some new ideas. If you are shy, see my other post for ways to easily overcome that! Enjoy.

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A reader, Your big sis +, writes (6 June 2005):

Your big sis agony auntI've been here before. Is your boyfriend working hard to get that promotion? Is there a reason he's working so hard? Is he also a full-time student with a full-time job? Honey, there is nothing wrong with ambition as long as it helps the both of you out. A man with a healthy sense of ambition? Wow! You've got a great man there if that's the case. But only you can make the distinction here. Darlin' there doesn't seem to be anything wrong here except you have a lot of time on your hands. You are only concentrating on the negatives. You're alone, you're bored, there's nothing to do without him. Baby, you can turn this around on your own, you can. Volunteer your time for the greater good. Or get a part-time job or new hobby to occupy that time when you and your beau are apart. Best of luck to you!

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