A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do can I get my ex to actually talk to me about the way he feels towards me? I recently broke up with my boyfriend and not on good terms I basically wrote to him on Facebook messages that I was cheating on him and it's best if we called it quits, which the true being that I never did cheat him I just didn't want to be with him, but I soon realized I let go someone who in fact is important to me and I love... Please don't judge me...
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (12 April 2014):
 You dumped him, via Facebook of all things, and told him you'd cheated on him. What do you think he thinks of you? Why do you want him to spell it out?
What you did was dumb, cowardly and callous. He thinks very poorly of you and even if he did hear you out, he would never trust you again because, as far as he's concerned you're either a cheat, a liar or a lunatic.
You're dead to him so just let him go.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2014):
 I don't know if you'd *really * want to know what he has to say about you now... it can't be anything very nice...
Cerberus did not put too fine a point on things, but yes he is absolutely right, his description of what substantially you have done to him is accurate. If your ex is not the Mahatma Gandhi or some other noblest spirit, what do you want he may feel about you ?... At best- he will feel he does not want to have anything to do with you.
Look, you dug yourself into a deep hole and I don't think you can come out of it, better take it as a lesson learned about what not to do when you want to split up.
First, you break up with him over Facebook ( ! ) telling him you cheated on him. Now, you should have to tell him, no no, it was a lie, I just did not want to be with you anymore , and I was so anxious to get rid of you that I could not bother telling you " sorry my feelings have changed ", I had to find some big dealbreaker that would shock you and disgust you.
But now I have capriciously changed my mind ( ... how do you go from " can't wait to dump you " to " can 't wait to have you back " ? ) and I want to reconnect.
Uhm. And, what the guy is supposed to do ? he can a ) not believe you, and keep thinking that you DID cheat on him and now you are bullshitting him or b ) believe that you did not cheat on him and you just wanted to get rid of him fast, without too many ceremonies- in which case he'd think that you are not a cheater, but you are a liar, and a conniving , coward, heartless manipulator.
Look , it's not that I or other Auts want to blow you to smithereens. Personally, I can even believe that things have a way to take momenetum and go pear shaped beyond the initial ,impulsive intention, and that this was a case of " it seemed a good idea at the time " with no real intention to hurt him.
Just, I don't believe that the directly involved party ( your ex ) will see it this way . And tbh, even if he still had ardent feelings for you, he'd be an idiot to take you back- seen the huge messes that you are capable of making on the spur of the moment. If he has an ounce of common sense, he woud want to protect his heart and his pride.
So, I think the best solution would be to just forget about it, move on, let HIM move on, and promise yourself to behave better in future.
Second best solution, if you really just can't leave it alone without making an attempt,... try to write him a letter, telling him what happened and apologizing , and eating a lot , but a looot, of humble pie for your mistake. But, don't propose starting over yet ; just show him that you realize you screwed up and you are sincerely sorry . Own your mistake, and do not pressure for anything, just let him process the new info, and let them sink in. If he finds in his heart to forgive you, he'll get in touch and you can take it from there.
But, frankly, I would not be holding my breath,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2014): You planted a seed in his mind, and you destroyed his trust.
Breaking up was your idea.
I'm not sure what was on your mind when you told him something so hard to take back. No matter what you tell him,
it will stick.
You now have a change of heart; and suddenly he means a lot to you. Why did you want to breakup in the first place?
It's not our judgement you have to be concerned about. It's his. It is possible at some point he will probably want to talk about it. That could be weeks or months from now. If ever.
My advice is to stick to the original plan. It is likely that his mind is already going through the process of detaching from you; and emotionally, he is going through too much to really forgive you right-away. You should begin the process of letting go yourself. Just in the event this situation is irreversible.
Others may tell you give him time. Realistically, would you believe him if the situation was reversed?
You've made your bed. Prepare to lie in it, and mentally prepare yourself to move on. If he takes you back, he will not trust you. he would wonder what you'd do next. Just how far you're capable of going to hurt him.
If he took you back; you will inevitably breakup for good. Cheating is one of those crimes in a relationship that doesn't require proof to get you indited. It's a fear easily provoked in an insecure mind. In a rocky relationship, it's usually the straw that breaks the camel's back. You chose a winner!
You broke up with him; and you used cheating as a means to "rid" yourself of him. That was pretty cruel. I would wonder how and why he would want someone back who could do such a thing in the first place? True or not.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (11 April 2014):
 He's feeling very upset at your right now... that's what he's feeling. He's upset that you cheated on him (he doesn't know you didn't), and he's upset that you chose to break up with him via FB.I'm not sure if he will ever forgive you.. that really would depend on the guy and how much he really loves you. But at the moment the only thing you can do is send ONE message to him with your explanation and apology. Then, give him time... as much time as he needs, without trying to contact him again. You won't get any answers now, you'll just have to wait.I had one guy who cut me out of his life because of some stupid thing I said to him. Then another guy, who, I've hurt a few times yet he still sticks around and never gave up on us. So, it really depends on the guy.Best of luck! Try to learn from this mistake and don't do the same again with the next guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): You might as well tell us you sent threatening letters to a high ranking politician and can't figure out why guys in suits with badges and guns are knocking on your door.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (11 April 2014):
 I don't mean to sound mean but I think you are going to have to live with this as one that got away, or one that you pushed away and consider it a lesson learned in hindsight.
The way that you went about breaking up with him was very cruel and I am sure that even if you explained to him that you didn't really cheat on him that he would no longer see you as a cheater but would still see you as a liar and somebody who is cruel.
Unfortunately you handled it badly and mistakes were made and I thin kit is time to move on instead of look back at this relationship, the damage is already done, no matter what your actual intentions were, sorry :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): FYI: I'm not calling you a bitch so please don't take it that way. You made a vicious mistake and we all make them. I'm just making it clear to you how he feels because for some reason you can't see that. He will destroy you if you push him, OP, let him go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2014): Why would you need to get him to open to you about how he feels about you when we can tell you right now, and you know for definite, he thinks you're an utter bitch and he hates you?
OP you didn't realise anything of the kind. You're just in the middle of a break up and feeling a bit lonely and on the rebound.
He isn't important to you and you don't love him, if either of those things were true you wouldn't have ripped his heart of his chest, pulled down your knickers, squatted down, and taken a nice long piss all over it.
I'm not judging you, OP, I'm laying it out straight. Can you honestly not see from what happened how he feels about you? How would you feel? You'd feel nothing but disgust and hatred for a person who treated you that way, well there you go, that's how he feels about you now.
My advice, let this go because if I were him and you ever tried to contact me again, depending on how pissed I still was I would tear your world down. I mean normally I'd ignore an ex no matter what happened, but after being shat on in that way and the she has the cheek to say she didn't mean it or some shit, that would tip me over the edge and I wouldn't hold back.
Save yourself the heartache, OP, you're not going to get anything good from this guy ever again after what you did. The right thing to do here is not be selfish and just move on. Because you don't want to be with him, OP, it's just the pain of being alone after a break up, don't start fucking with his feelings even more now or you really will be just be the bitch he thinks you are.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 April 2014):
 Why would he take the time to tell you how he actually feels when you sent bizarre facebook messages essentially telling him you were a cheater and were dumping him? Your behavior showed him that you were unstable, a drama queen and capable of being very hurtful.
He owes you no explanations.
Accept that you behaved badly, resolve not to do that to the next boyfriend or to anyone, for that matter and move on. The good news is that you can start fresh with a painful life lesson learned.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 April 2014):
 I wouldn't talk to you either, IF I were him.
Making up elaborate and hurtful lies (I think the HONEST truth would have served you 100% better) in order to break up doesn't help anyone move on or make the break up any easier. It also makes no sense to claim such a disrespectful action (cheating) to break up with someone.
And then for you to break up over Facebook?
I don't blame him one bit.
How do you "Get him" to talk to you again? I don't really think you can. Because I don't really think he will believe that you didn't cheat. He has lost faith and trust you and, and there is no easy way to gain that back.
Are you sure you would actually like to hear how he feels about you?
If the roles were reversed and he DID the same thing to you, how would you feel? Would you WANT anything to do with him? Would you believe that he never cheated?
If you NEED to talk to him I would suggest you CALL him, and IF he decides to LISTEN to you, ask to met up and talk in person. But the truth is, you can't MAKE him want to talk to you again.
Do NOT conduct relationship "business" over Facebook.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (11 April 2014):
 Now, you see this is where your going to have to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine you were in love with someone, then one day they messaged you via facebook (not to your face), telling you they had been cheating on you. Now imagine if after you'd gone through all that hurt and sadness, finding out they hadn't actually cheated on you, and had just said it so they didn't have to actually explain why they didn't want to be with you. Would you want to talk to that person again? Because I can tell you that many people wouldn't want to, and in this case even though you've realized you've made a mistake, (good on you) I think that trying to contact this guy again is simply just going to mess him around. People are not toys, you can't get rid of them and then when you miss them decide to pick them back up, and why should he have to talk to you about how he feels towards you? When you finished it with him you weren't brave enough to even tell him what you thought of him. Also you have to look at how this all looks from his point of view. If someone popped up telling you that they hadn't actually cheated, would you believe them straight away? If you have already told him that, then what says hes going to believe you when you actually tell him the truth. I know we all make mistakes in this life, but sometimes we need to know when to call it quits, I think after you have put him through this you should probably not try to put him through anymore again, but if you are really passionate about this person then you can try and explain yourself and see what he has to say about it, maybe do it face to face instead of via social networking, however I am not promising you that his response will be a good one. Good Luck x
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