A
female
age
16-17,
anonymous
writes:Ever since my ex boyf of about 2 years dumped me (about 3 months ago) I've had almost no motivation for life. Don't get me wrong- I'm not seriously depressed and suicidal or anything and promise myself I never will be- but I have been leading a very non-productive life lately and its definitely getting me down.I've found that after loosing him I have SO MUCH free time. Ive also found that in a way Ive 'wasted' alot of my life with him. While I was with him I never really went out much but would just go to his- I never really pursued my dreams/goals/ambitions (- and there are A LOT of them). It was like I had him so they didnt matter too much- but now that Ive lost him I realise that he was my everything and all that and now I have nothing.Its past the initial mourning stage- I've finally gotten past him. I know I don't have any romantic feelings for him anymore. But I'm finding it hard to sort of get out there and puruse those dreams and all that again. My friends have been great but theres only so much they can do- what I need really has to come from ME I know but I dont know how to get that 'drive' out. :(I'm not desperate for a new boyf, yet I am.Been to a few parties- nothing much has come of them. There was a guy I liked, and I made a compulsive text move and told him I liked him. He said thanks, you're pretty cool too. We didnt talk much after that. Which was pretty crushing. I also started getting more friendly with an old crush who had been strongly pursuing me while I was with the ex and I'd always had to turn him down though I liked him. Now that I'm single he seems to have gotten over his intense crush- he just wants to be friends and this hurts me though I dont think he doesnt know it. I can be pretty good at hiding these feelings sometimes.Sometimes I feel like most of my emotions have been sort of dulled and numbed over as a result of being dumped and all the other things. Like I said I know I dont like my ex romantically anymore (we're friends now) but I know Im still hurting from being dumped and of course the crash back to reality realising that all those 'perfect memories' werent meant to be and all that- and then the recent rejections Ive had to deal with. Before them Id never been rejected before- it was always having to do the rejecting rather than being rejected. And then I find myself crying at sad movies/music/books I'd never even felt that much about before. And then I always know how to put on a happy mask for my friends who mostly believe Im fine. I have talked about this to one or two of them. I will actually be happy sometimes. But then I find myself slipping into a lazy, numbed, doing nothing sort of routine and going nowhere with my life. And i cant shake the annoying feeling of feeling desperate for a boyf.How can I get my life/motivation back?And how can I get a new bf?
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male
reader, Code Warrior  + ♥, writes (31 August 2009):
 Thanks for the compliment and the update! I am glad I could help you!
You are a strong young lady and you are doing the right things to get back into the game - a game I am confident you will win! Getting support from friends and family is crucial for success!
One last thing, as you pursue your hopes and dreams, you are likely to find that some will fade and be replaced by others. Don't beat yourself up when that happens. Life is a journey, not a race. It is OK to change your mind about this or that. Just make sure that you understand the reason why you are changing your mind. If you do that, then you will be a step ahead of everyone else.
God bless and be good.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I just say thank you SOO MUCH everyone especially Code Warrior for your answers You dont know just how much they are appreciated :)
I actually teared while I read your answer Code Warrior. That's how emotionally not right (or right) I am I guess.
I don't really beat myself over about it but then I sorta do. I think Ive been giving myself too much along time. I think I keep focusing on how Im not going anywhere atm even though I have all these plans/goals/talents (tbh) and what a loser I am since Im not doing anything about them rather than actually doing them. For some reason I just find it so hard to get onto things or like I set myself too unachieveable goals and then dont even attempt them at all.
Ive decided to get myself geared to be more organised. Im starting a calendar and sort of like a computer diary thing where I can write down all the things I want to do and record my progress and stuff. Ive also told friends/fam about me so they can help me.
Its sad about the bf thing. I want to get out and get involved with things and make my life more productive and just let the bf come to me kinda thing but like at night it always comes back to me wishing I had someone to think about and care for me in that way and love me in that way. Although I dont miss my ex bf too much I know I miss the feeling of having someone to tell everything and share things and be my comfort and when they hug me its better than a friend hug.
The rejection thing is annoying because I was just building my 'selfesteem' and motivation again. And Id been told he probably liked me too. Its weird though because its like while Id been with my bf Id forgotten how to try. But then I tried with this new guy and it didnt work and that left me feeling sad of course and lost and demotivated. Im not too sad about it now- I think- but its like Im not expecting anything of myself now which leads me to not really trying at anything and then getting nothing done and going nowhere. :(
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A
female
reader, UnfinishedSymphony  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Have a duvet day, keep repeating the phrase you only live once, watch a soppy romance film...relax....and get out there and paint the town red! always think positive, try to hang out with those who think the same.....in time, these little things will make a big difference.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): Well seeing as you're a teenager like myself, we tend to feel like we need a boy friend. One, most of our friends have boyfriends and it seems unfair that we don't and we want to have one too. Two, we look for someone we can share things with and make memories with. Well trust me, I've been there and know how you feel. Maybe you just miss the memories you had with your old boyfriend? And that's it. Not him or anything else, just the memories. Well if that's the case, forget it. Literally. Girl you WILL find someone else 10x better, trust me. And like you said, you've noticed that you have more time for yourself. And frankly, that's what should be your main focus right now. YOU. No one else. No boys. And instead of living your teens years in search of a guy, DON'T. Just let him come to you. Focus on school, friends, and you, while you have the chance. There is some one out there, so don't dwell on your past boyfriends cause there IS always someone better who will cross your path. I hope I helped and gave you the answer you were looking for. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (31 August 2009):
You have already taken the most important step: taken stock of your life with him and learned the mistake you made - you gave up your hopes and dreams. You should not give up your hopes and dreams for any person. Anyone who requires this of you should not be a part of your life. The only exception to this is children. Children demand and deserve your total devotion. In the case of children, you make a conscious choice to postpone your hopes and dreams, or find a way to pursue them in a way that is not detrimental to their needs. Their needs must always come first, yours second.I realize that you do not have children, but I felt that it was important to say that. You have also learned a valuable lesson - you have faced rejection for the first time and know how it feels. This knowledge will allow you to empathize with the plight of the rejected. However, don't let this knowledge make you afraid to reject someone in the future. Let it guide you to a softer touch and let it teach you to be more tolerant of being rejected yourself. You will find it much harder to reject someone now and this insight will let you know the difficulty being faced by someone who is rejecting you. That insight will allow you to help them reject you in a softer way and let them know that you still care about them despite the rejection. As far as your feelings of laziness go, it is understandable. A major part of your life has been taken away and you are mourning the loss. Don't beat yourself up over it. Your feelings are what they are and I believe it is OK to experience them. Time heals all wounds and you have already seen evidence of that in the disappearance of your romantic feelings for your ex. You will be reminded of the good times from time to time as events, sights, sounds, tastes, and smells will trigger memories of your time with him and make you sad. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and cry if you are moved to it. It does not mean that you are having a relapse. It is normal and will ease over time. You feel desperate for a boyfriend because of the comfort you had with your ex and you hope against hope that having a boyfriend will restore that comfort and bring happiness back. It won't. Again, don't beat yourself up about it. Just learn to accept that this feeling will pop up from time to time and give yourself a break. Don't worry about a new boyfriend. Relationships tend to start when you are not paying attention to having one. The pursuit of your hopes and dreams will make you attractive and approachable to others because you will have passion and vigor in their pursuit. You will likely meet someone who shares your interest as you work toward your goals and before you even realize - it will happen. You should take a step toward your hopes and dreams. Set as your goal for each day to make at least one decision to do something about them - even if it is small. For example, google something and get some information about it. You don't have to jump right in the water, it is OK to dip your toes first. The important thing is to develop the habit of doing at least one thing each day toward your hopes and dreams. And, as usual, don't beat yourself up if you fail to do something on a given day or even go a week. I count thinking about your hopes and dreams as doing something, so you can count it too.You are on the right track and I feel for you deeply, but I promise you that it will get better and you will be successful. Just promise me that you will believe it too.God Bless you and be good.
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