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How can I get him to give our relationship another chance?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 June 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 June 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am reposting this in hopes for a males perspective and honest advice!

There were a few incidents in the beginning of our relationship where he flirted with others in my presence. On facebook there are pics of him and others, some are recent and others are from his vacation while we were together (i saw these pics in his cam when he got back and was upset). he says i should trust him. He claims the pics mean nothing and he has never cheated even when we'd break up there was never anyone else. we are often on and off again.

A quick confession: last time we tried to fix this it ended horribly. I went through his phone when he left the room. yes, i went behind his back and checked his phone. There were several back and forth flirting text msgs. When he came back he could see i was upset, my demeanor changed, i didn't want to discuss it because i was fuming and wanted to calm down. he insisted we talk it out. so I told him what i did he was upset that i breached his privacy. called me crazy and psycho. I kept saying people who have nothing to hide hide nothing. It was a heated argument. He tried to hug me to calm me down I was drunk and on meds (bad combo bad mistake!) I slapped him several times because I thought he had been lying all this time. Not to mention how angry and betrayed I felt. Im not making excuses as I know my behaviour was uncalled for (i have never been violent or hit anyone ever!). I apologized profusely. what i was really upset about was his omission! He left after that incident I called and text all night and next day to apologize for what i did. He was too upset and angry to care or hear me out. By the end of the week he text to ask if he is that bad of a bf and why we couldn't have a decent relationship. we talked late that night and when he mentioned what I did I guess as a defense mechanism I mentioned his previous mistakes too. This angered him (I am often guilty of bringing up the past). needless to say that convo didn't end well. no communication for about a month. he says i have been violent and abusive and he doesn't want to be with me or see me. Not even for the sake of closure.

There is not a doubt in my mind that he loves me. We are both busy with careers and education. We are in our late 20s too old to be doing this to each other. When things are good between us they are great. He’s been my rock and my best friend. I have been depressed and he’s helped me. He is the only one that believes in me and supports me. Aside from what is mentioned here I feel we are good together. I want us to try to understand each other and slowly over come our probs to build a lasting relationship. I want us to really try again and grow up! I wish we could start over or that we’d meet now. How can I fix this and get us to communicate again?

View related questions: best friend, depressed, drunk, facebook, flirt, text, violent

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010):

I think he will come back given a bit of time and space between you. I too once slapped, punched and kicked my boyfriend in a drunken rage and although he dumped me he eventually came back. Keep away from him for a while, don't text or ring . just let him be. People really do calm down after a while and begin to miss what they had and they do remember the good things and a more positive side. Keep yourself busy until then and do physical exercise as this will make you look good for when he comes back and will also make you feel happier.

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (15 June 2010):

dirtball agony auntWith relationships I try to live by a simple rule; Never date someone more than once. If we date and break-up, that's it. The reason I made this rule is because of having a couple relationships where I was constantly giving her "one more chance." One more chance is BS, plain and simple. The same things that drove you apart the first time will do it again. You aren't meant to be together. Your energy would be better spent learning to deal with your insecurities that caused you to do the things that drove you apart.

It is up to you to change. Only change if YOU want to for YOURSELF. Trying to change for others is temporary. You have to really want it for yourself, deep down, in order to make a real meaningful change happen.

Good luck, if you ask me, it's time to move on.

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A male reader, dyeruz United Kingdom +, writes (15 June 2010):

Drunkedness and meds are no excuse for violence, he's seen another side of you and is now thinking how can he commit himself to someone for the rest of his life when she's capable of this? Unless you do a complete U-turn and change your life, you'll never win his trust back. People say they are willing to change and some do truly believe it and do take steps to act on it, unfortunately there is no quick remedy and in times of stress we revert back to said behaviour. Good luck with your quest, hope things will get sorted out.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (15 June 2010):

I just don't think he's going to come back. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I just don't think he will. If he was here asking for advice, I'd have advise him not to go back because of the violence and distrust. The pictures on facebook were his own thing, and I don't believe that he's cheated. I also think that as a couple you should be allowed to have privacy. I don't agree and never will agree that each partner should have each others passwords and pins to phones. You are allowed a degree of privacy so you can have conversations with friends about other things. If he was cheating, or if any man is cheating, it comes out anyway. But there is just so little trust here, and so much has happened that it won't work.

Right now, you would do so much better to just spend time alone working on yourself. If you are depressed, then that will work its way into any relationship. If you're a person who can't let things go, then you will always bring up the past. He's certainly not the only one who believes in you. I believe that you can get through this, and I'm sure others will on this site and in your own life. But I'm afraid I just don't see him coming back.

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