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How can I get him to be more interested in ME and not keep looking at porn all the time?

Tagged as: Faded love, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 February 2007) 8 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2007)
A female United States age 30-35, *ustang2g7 writes:

Hi I have been married for 1.7 years we are both 22 and we have a beautiful daughter who is 14 months and we have been together for 2.6 years now I love my husband sooo much and I know he loves me but the thing is he looks at porn online he promised to stop when i caught him after he promised me he lied to me then said he didn't think he was lieing that is the first time he ever lied now when ever we go out he always looks at other girls.

I told him I just don't feel right him doing that because it makes me think their more attractive then me. I mean when I try to talk to him he always changes the subject. What can I do to try to be more attractive or anything to get him to stop and talk to me. Thanks

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007):

After 20 years of marriage you find that most men will never stop looking at the opposite sex. A man could have the most attractive woman in the world next to him and still feel the need to look at other woman or porn. The best thing to do in this situation is to allow him freely to do it, even participate and you will find that it will help. You should never feel that you are any less than what you are, forbidding him or fighting with him will not help it will only make him keep doing it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007):

OMG I cant believe the complete ignorance of the last responder....if he really didnt care about the bodies dont you think porn would have more realistic looking women...are you completely ignorant???? What about the fact that he is contributing to the exploitation of women who were (most of them anyway) sexually abused as kids.....You women who condone porn are worse than the men that use it...You should know better

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007):

it is absolutely normal for men to look at porn. me and my boyfriend have been yogether for 3 years now and i know he looked at it before me and still does. we have a fantastic sex life and he shows me how much he loves me still. i too used to feel how you do about it and felt that i wasnt as attractive and that was the reason he watched it. however i spoke to him about it and he told me it wasnt the people that he liked so much as the act itself. it is most probably the same case with your partner. he most probably imagines u in the movie. In order to overcome the problem i embraced it. we now watch soft porn together, whilst masterbating each other. it really is fantastic. i even put it on myself whilst he was going down on me. it's fine once you embrace it but i do remember how i used to feel. it used to get me very down and made me feel extremely conscious. just ask him to be a bit more selfless and think about how u are feeling. it is normal for men to watch and enjoy porn. good luck xxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007):

Its not you,its him, my bf is the same, i think men look at porn out of bordem and selfishness.

when my bf has a hobbie or is busy, he wont look at porn at all and I get more sex, but if he is bord and im not around, he will look at it alot and I wont get any sex. but the fact he lied to you about it is not good, he is willing to take a chance on hurting you and the relationship just for porn, if it ment nothing to him then it would not be a problem for him to not look at it anymore, but it is. give him the choice, you or the porn, if he says porn then leave, if he says you but does not keep his word then leave.

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A female reader, Xxxjls1987xxx United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2007):

I have the same problem with my current boyfriend I've come to realise that he is obsessed by porn as well. i don't understand it myself why they can't resist it and just not do it if it makes you feel uncomfortable. i think to be honest all blokes are the same where porn is concerned and its somethin that us women are just going to have to put up with. just do what I do and think wel I'd rather them look than touch. i think porn and men are just things we'll never quite understand.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2007):

I look at porn sometimes but I still find my wife to be the most attractive person I know. Bottom line, men and women need to have variety, otherwise they will tend to stop enjoying the person their with out of bordom. Best way to increase his desire to be with you is to allow him to look at the stuff and play into his fantasy. Ask him questions about it while he is focused on you sexually. Tempt him with steamy questions and indicate you might want to indulge him in them. He might want a threesome or other stuff you may or may not want. You don't have to do anything you don't want, but if lets say, its a threesome you might want to whisper in her ear as you are having sex for him to imagine a girl/or guy doing things to you and how hot it would be. He'll have the time of his life and you should to. This is called playing with each other. If he can't trust you enough to open up to you about his deepest fantasies out of fear of rejection, then how close will you two ever become?

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A male reader, honeyross United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2007):

honeyross agony auntPornography often starts as a way to fuel fantasy, and can then become an addiction. Unless the addiction becomes out of control, it is usually not considered too much of a threat to a relationship (sometimes porn can actually save a relationship).

His looking at other women is an extension (and habit) of his viewing of women on his computer as objects. It doesn't necessarily mean he's gone off you.

As uncomfortable as it may seem, perhaps you could write down fantasies or other sexual acts that you'd be comfortable acting out or experimenting with. You could show parts of this list to your husband and then try out new games etc. It's important, though, that you both enjoy and feel comfortable with the new approach to sex.

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A female reader, Girlie_girl!! United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2007):

It's not about you being unattractive, so i'd suggest that u don't need to chnage at all. it's just a man thing, its nothing personal, and doesn't even mean that he fancies them. men tend to mastuabte more than women and often like visual stimuation to do it. Try not to worry, it's really not a big deal. If you really just can not accept it thought then perhaps tell him this, but it may lead to him doing it behind your back beacuse the chance are- hel'' have done it sunce he was 12! You could trying watching it with him and getting involved.... but thats up to you! GG x

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