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How can I get dates if I am not attractive enough for guys to ask me out or approach me in person?

Tagged as: Dating, Flirting, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 March 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 21 March 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I just witnessed a girl right in front of me getting cold approached and hit on by guy while I am never hit on and/or approached by men.

I am not intimidating because I notice guys cold approach women without sending signals to guys.

In fact, I've never had a guy approach me and ask for my phone number. Never asked out either.

But it happens right in front of my face to other women, never me. I even tried to put myself out there sometimes by going to some events but I still don’t attract guys and I am barely noticed by men even with makeup on.

I am 21 in college and I about to graduate soon with not a single guy at my college interested in me.

People say I have a babyface-but I am always out alone, so its not like people should think I am a too young to be approached or date (but I am pretty sure some young girls even get approached even though I don't).

And sometimes people say I have an innocence to myself or that I look like the type of girl not to say 'curse' words.

I don't dress 'sexy' or in anything 'sexually suggestive' but I try to dress in presentable and cute clothing. Part of this reason is because of how I was raised-my parents would never let me leave the house wearing revealing clothing. As a consequence, I don't feel comfortable wearing revealing clothing. I have tried it before and I was really self-conscious.

This leads me to think that I am not as attractive as I thought I was or I don't attract men because I don't wear revealing clothing (and I heard men are very 'sex' oriented). And even though I am 5'6 and weigh around 125 lbs, I still don't really attract men.

How can I get dates as a 21 year old girl if I am not attractive enough for guys to ask me out or approach me in person?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (21 March 2017):

chigirl agony auntDo the asking yourself. My guess? You are too pretty /look too good. That scares guys. They get nervous and terrified. They are dead sure you would decline, so they are more comfortable asking another girl who they think is more in their own league. Guys arent always confident just because they are supposed to do the asking. So try to find a guy you like, smile to him and say hi!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2017):

Well, you could ask guys out or approach the ones you're attracted to and start a conversation or learn to flirt.

I usually look right at a guy, make direct eye contact and smile at him then look away. This usually draws them in. If you see they are slowly moving closer then it worked. Might take more than one look. Also, confidence in yourself attracts.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2017):

Maybe you could try to start a conversation with a guy that you think is attractive when you are out, instead of waiting for them to come up to you.

No rule says that you have to wait for the guy to come to you. I bet you will find that many men also find you attractive if you let them know you are open & nice to talk to.

And trust me, not every girl, no matter if she looks nice, is getting "cold approached" as you put it. It is quite uncommon actually. Men don't like rejection, and this is often the end result of this type of encounter.

Best of luck.

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A female reader, angelvoice United Kingdom +, writes (20 March 2017):

angelvoice agony auntMy dear friend, I do sympathise with your situation.

To begin with, never display any clues that you are looking for someone. This can give an anxious appearance, which does not draw others. Also don't look at any men directly. If you start looking down or away, or are engaged talking to other girls, you'll stand a much better chance. Look happy and carefree!

Men may be interested in sex, but often people say that they like something left to the imagination. Otherwise you can look cheap, or even some sort of professional you know what!

Also the type of man drawn to your micro-mini or low-cut top is likely not to see the real you, just to want a one-night stand. I would advise you to stay with your current, natural dress sense.

The other point is that each person has their own type. It depends where you go on your nights out as to the type of men around there.

Sporty, type-A style men may, for example, have a preconception of the type, shape or shade of hair of their ideal girl. Intellectual types might go for the opposite - we can't know for sure.

But this is nothing to do with your actual appearance, which I am sure is unique and attractive. Just don't look too desperate, don't go to the wrong places at night, and you might just need a little bit of patience. You've plenty of time, Mr Right will pop up.

Hope this has been helpful,

All the best,


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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHow much do you socialize?

How much to you actually interact with guys on/off campus?

I really don't know how common it is for guys to walk up and ask a girl out, they have never interacted with, at LEAST smiled at and gotten a smile back or talked to. I think the guys who DO do that have a rejection rate that is pretty high, actually.

The thing is OP, it's NOT about dressing sexy. Nor is it about wearing makeup. It's about human interactions and maybe also how you "present" yourself. If you walk with your head down and don't make eye contact, people will presume that you don't WANT to be bothered.

IF you go to events with the SPECIFIC agenda of hoping to be asked out... you won't. If you go out to events to HAVE fun with friends you probably will have a MUCH bigger chance.

Someone who "tries" too hard might not know it but they are VERY obvious. And yes a woman in revealing clothes might get more attention because she is quite often seen as an easy "conquest". Not because she is GF-material or pretty.

I have found that when I was "off the market" and just out on the town with friends having fun, I got hit on a LOT more than when I was single and kind of looking for a partner.

And if you stand in a corner waiting for MEN to approach you, you are in for a wait. Be friendly, strike up small conversations with guys (if for no reason than to practice) - start by challenging yourself to say: "hello or HI, how are you?" to 5 guys a day. Don't have to carry on long conversations.

Joining clubs is another good way to met people, NOT for finding a partner but to expand your social circle.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017):

I agree with Andies thoughts. I also think confidence plays a huge part in it. If you don't feel attractive, it can be reflected on the outside too. It's hard to just say "be confident" especially if you feel insecure. I believe that you should love yourself first.

We live in a very "image orientated" society. Very shallow and vain. Sometimes it's hard to know where you fit. There is pressure to rush into relationships and so easy to hook up with guys with social media these days. And pressure to look a certain way.

Problem is it is hard to find more meaningful relationships and friendships these days which don't involve the internet or a quick fumble.

You do not have to rush into anything, enjoy your youth and trust me, the right person will come along. If a guy walked upto me trying it on and asking for my number etc I would know he's only after one thing.

Do you really want to have one night stands and a broken heart and maybe even risk pregnancies or stds. The right guy will go slowly with you, he will meet you instead of being a stranger just approaching for your number. He will date you and make you feel special. These guys who just hit on women in the street just want to skip all the dating and getting to know someone.

Save yourself, continue to be cute looking (I am babyfaced and my boyfriend of 8 years loves my cute looks and I have not aged like my friends, being baby faced is brilliant ) , continue with your life, always smile and I guarantee someone will come along when you least expect it

However If you are looking for casual flings, confidence is a huge thing. shop for some nice lingerie (you don't have to wear revealing clothes, you could feel sexier by wearing sexy underwear under your usual clothes) this makes me feel confident when I'm at work and can't wear revealing clothes. And I also wear heels to sexy up my walk :-) or even just wear a bit of lipstick. Anything that makes YOU feel confident. That will be reflected in the way you walk, talk and interact with people. Men love confident women , it is the best trait on a woman.

Good luck in whatever you choose , I hope I helped. You are beautiful and you need to believe in yourself :-)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017):

You have interpreted this situation as lack of attractiveness on your part but this is not true!

I think most guys see you as marriage material because you have standards and you come across as classy.

They would be correct about this and they instinctively know that they cannot offer enough correct behaviour to keep you interested for the future.

Dont feel bad about this.

You only need one partner/husband in life and to hell with all the rest of them!

Your life partner will be looking for someone giving out the signals that you give out!

They are not looking for someone with a history of sexual pickups or quick fumbles behind bushes.

Dont see yourself in a bad light.

You should be glad you dont have to shag general joe public.

Keep your self esteem high and wonder who is the the dream husband you have in the future.

But dont blame guys for knowing that they are incorrect for you because many guys have an immediate need to jump in feet first

I hear guys complain these days that many gals arent looking for marriage, so avoid the instant sex scene and get on with life.

You must learn to mentally vet guys and see why they wouldnt suit you instead of thinking you are unattractive or the message you are giving out will be confusing.

Also it is a shame to waste a decent person on just any old pick up so make sure you have a serious amount of non sexual contact before you get involved!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (19 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntWhy does a guy have to ask you out? Besides, people who meet in bars usually only want hook ups - not dating material.

Join a hobby or two. Most successful partners meet in places where they can have a proper conversation before deciding to date. Quality, not quantity.

Dressing provocatively isn't important. To each their own with dress sense, but those who dress like that are often only hit on for sexual things, rather than serious dating, regardless of which they want.

You're so young - the more desperate you become, the more off-putting you are. Trust me, most people can tell if someone is trying too hard or waiting around for attention.

Not being approached doesn't mean you're unattractive. It's unhealthy to attach your worth to men and whether you get hit on or not.

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