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How can I gain my husband's trust back?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2010) 8 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. We have been married for a year and a few months. I would never cheat on him, but I made a wrong choice. After I found out that he was talking with another girl and was hiding it from me, I went to see an old friend to let know how I just wanted to be friends with him and hope he would be friends with my husband. I thought I could handle it on my own, but I was wrong. It hurt my husband that I went behind his back and did that. But he also went behind my back. I told my husband that I know he would never cheat on me and he love's me very much as well care's for me very much. I trust him. It's just that he thinks I cheated on him, which I didn't. I would never do that. Now, my husband can't trust me.

I've been telling him everyday that I love him and I miss him and I wish he would come back home. We just got a house together, and we are suppose to be moving in this weekend. Now he's not sure if he wants to. He tells me he can't look at me the same way.

How can I gain my husband's trust back?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010):

you have hurt your husband tremendously. maybe you wanted to hurt him for hurting you. you say you did nto cheat. why would you go to another man, in the guise of friendship? maybe if you stopped playing games you can salvage your marriage. marriage is not a game and trying to hook up with another man is a sure way of killing a marriage.

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A male reader, werther Sweden +, writes (30 July 2010):

he moved out because you talked to a guy?

it´s such an overreaction that there has to be something there.........

he is using this time for something,

he thinks it was a big step to get a house also?

make clear boundaries, what do you need from him in a countiued relationship?...

if you have had or want to have male friends thats ok.....

if you want to fuck them, then you need to have that talk to him, but that doesn´t seem to bee the issue..

how is the sex? for him / you?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010):

You went and saw a man in person. He only talked online from what you say.

I'm not saying he's right or anything, but I can see why he is so mistrustful. He has reason to think your straying went a huge notch farther than his did.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (30 July 2010):

Miamine agony auntPot and Kettle, both look black to me... next time he brings up your male friend, remind him of his woman friend and tell him that what's good for him is good for you...

Don't let this guy bully you, he was wrong, and you got even and he dosen't like it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

I wouldn't try hard to get him to come back at all. Only tell him that he's having problems with commitment and a settled life together, so he's using what you did to throw all that away, especially the obvious, "the house". I completely agree with quiet-echo in that he's freeing himself to do more with this girl that HE FIRST went behind your back with. You only copied his gesture to try to make him see how wrong it is to go behind one's back.

The fact that he initially went behind your back to talk to this other girl showed that he "really did" have feelings for her, no matter what your reason was for why you later did the same thing. Therefore, he has no right to accuse you of having feelings for someone else when he was the first one to go behind your back. What he did was emotional cheating, and it hurt you when you found out, so he knows that's why you reacted how you did. He shouldn't expect anything less than a reaction from you, and what you did was a reaction to his initial action. Every action has a reaction, and he'll have to suck it up as to what reaction you decided to have. How could he expect a better one, unless he feels somehow more empowered or important than you, that he can't have the same treatment as something to learn from.

If you can find a quick tenant to pay rent and live with you, possibly someone you know and trust, do that until he changes his mind about you. I wouldn't let someone who doesn't trust me live with me, so for now, that's a blessing he's not moving in as it stands, until he comes to see who the real instigator was, and accepts the fact that he's emotionally cheated on you.

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A female reader, loraemoon United Kingdom +, writes (29 July 2010):

loraemoon agony aunttotally agree with you dirtball, dont feel bad or let him make you feel you have cheated him when clearly you havent

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (29 July 2010):

dirtball agony auntDouble standard red flag waiving high and mighty here. It's ok for him to talk to a woman in secret, but it's not ok for you to talk to a man. It sounds like he's projecting his guilt onto you. You need to stop kissing his lying ass so much. Tell him flat out that you didn't cheat, and that your 7 years together should show that you've been loyal and he should be able to tell if you're lying. Punishing to this degree over this is crazy. If he thinks you've cheated, then you have every right to believe the same about him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

You are not the only one you should focus regaining your spouse trust HE SHOULD TOO!!! He was talking a woman behind your back...you didn't to anything different that what he did. You both were wrong, you both were dishonest, you both committed act that could have led to cheating physcially and you both need to give each other a sincere apology and work on trust.

Don't allow your husband to have you running and doing jump and jacks trying to regain his trust when did the EXTACT THING YOU DID. He is playing mind games with you and I have seen men do this...they do wrong, the girlfriend will do wrong as an attempt to "get back" at them, and then the guy with his bruised ego either ends the relationship or stays and uses what the girlfriend did to him as an excuse to cheat in the future. IT'S CALLED GAME, GAME AND MORE GAME and your husband is a complete and utter a-hole for doing this.

Don't stress yourself out trying to keep him or prove anything to him. Act like you care just as much as he does..dont' overreact, don't bend over backwards, put just as much as he is putting into regaining trust. Be strong and don't allow this guy to manipluate you because, that is extactly what he is doing. He thought he could do things behind your back and get away with it and even if you did find out, you thought you were too naive or so in love with him that you wouldn't dare think of revenge, but when you proved him wrong, oh how the mighty fell..his ego was bruised. He needs to get over himself and in the future revenge is not the way to go...if everytime you and your husband are having issues are you going to run off with some other guy or start talking to one behind his back? That is not a healthy way of handling relationships or marriages. Sit down and talk about it and if that doesn't work, then move on.

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