| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: PLEASE HELP ME.I am at the END of my rope.I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years and I just CANNOT trust him no matter what. No matter what he says or does. I CANNOT trust him. I CANNOT DO IT. It is making me paranoid, jealous, insecure, unhappy, a shell of the person I once was. I have lost my self esteem, self respect... and feel unloved and not valuable enough for him. And for what? Because I LOVE HIM? I am not sure how I can love a man who I THINK is capable of fucking another woman while professing his love for me and promising me he is not interested in anyone else. Not now. Not ever. BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.I think he is CAPABLE of breaking my heart.I wish he was the man I thought he was. The man I want him to be. A GOOD MAN. I have tried and tried to believe in him. But I just can't do it. And I have tried for so long.I am so unhappy. I wish it could be a fairy tale like in the beginning but I just can't trust him.He blames me. Says it is all in my head. That I create situations and scenarios that don't exist.I told him lots of guys cheat. He says generally I am right. But he said he is not like the rest. And that he would never do it. WORDS.How can I ever be at PEACE?I am just not sure how I can get through this. It is destroying me from the inside out.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 OP, why "sabotage" what's already a disaster of a relationship when you can take back your personal power and self-worth and just leave? Be the one who says, "I want better than this. I can do better."
Is there a reason this guy has to be the one to leave you? You say you would want him to leave you before he cheats, and you are convinced he will cheat eventually, so why not exit this toxic relationship before that happens?
His cheating won't just have consequences for your relationship with him, it will also cause you additional emotional baggage and trust issues that you will carry with you into any other relationship you try to form. You could find yourself pushing away a new partner who hasn't cheated and never would over something this current guy did.
More importantly, don't you want a better life for yourself than the misery you describe? I don't understand why you'd wait on a known cheater to decide that for you. Happiness is out there, and every day you waste on someone who clearly isn't a good fit for you emotionally is just that... another day wasted. In his case, you could waste another ten years with him and still not feel secure in his life, because he was clearly able to throw away a ten-year relationship without guilt when something better came along.
How long are you willing to be unhappy over earth-moving sex?
Think about it.
Good luck, and best wishes for the strength to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): Youre conflicted because of your guilt!You knew he was married but carried on anyway.Now that the wife has booted him out you are devastated at the prospect that he could cheat on you!You like to believe that yours is the only sex that could sustain him!The princess of sex if you like, but you are worried you will be knocked off your pedestal by his next sexual conquest!You are caught between wanting to be a cut above all others and realising you are more or less the same, at least anatomically!In a way you could say that your "he might cheat on me " dramais compensation for your guilt!By previzsualising it and feeling the exquisit agony of the cheated on ,before it happens to you, you feel you are preempting the possibility of being cheated on because you have already felt the pain, which is why counselling would help you to find new ways of dealing aith old problems.I suspect you are too proud to seek counselling!You have invested all your self esteem intk your sex life and it might help you to discover other strengths in yourself.As to your partners ex, try to see her as far more assertive than you.Im sure you dont need to emulate her agony!It is unnecessary!Maybe she thought he was a selfish bit of joystick!Maybe she thought she'd ground him enough and she had places to go and people to meet!At least she booted him out!So dont assume all women are as emotional as you are!Dont assume you managed to catch the man of your dreams!Try being realistic!That means neither you ,nor he are perfect!Moreover you are not film characters yet even though there is great potential for an ironically managed rom com!Try to walk the middle path and to reach your destination without bruises and mishaps on the way!Counselling helps you to make that adjustment!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): Hi, it's the OP.Thank you everyone for trying to help me.Sydney, I absolutely could not do polygamy. I am very jealous and possessive so it would not work. It would truly make things worse. Just the other day I was talking to him about swingers. His friend used to run a swinger's club and I have always hated that he has kept that friendship. I guess I see it as guilty by association, and the company you keep saying something about you too. I do not like the idea of swinging and am not capable of that under any circumstance. But that's another story...What would bother me is the lying, yes... but mostly a man's ability to have sex with you for a long time, and I don't mean JUST sex, I mean the kind that makes the earth move, a deep connected sex, and then stick it to another woman and pretend like he loves you and you are special to him. We have an intimate connection. Neither of us has ever shared this with any other partner. I do not share my body with just anyone. I feel attached by sex. We have so much fun together, too. We are like minded. We laugh so much. We are silly together. We just click and connect and did from the very beginning. We have had our up's and down's but we have both compromised and understood each other's faults and imperfections and have made it work. I am now pulling away. He is fine with everything. He just hates my baggage and that I bring up these scenarios all the time and have these conversations which lead to the possibility of him cheating or having cheated or that he will cheat. I just cannot seem to find peace of mind. I have tried so hard. You have no idea. There is nothing more in the world that I want than to believe in him. But I am afraid. I am afraid of what he can do to me. I have begged and pleaded with him never to break my heart. To leave me first if he ever felt unsatisfied or unhappy. Not to cheat on me. It would destroy me. He goes on about how he would never break my heart or hurt me but he did it to another woman. I just cannot seem to get rid of that demon. Because I see him as selfish for doing what he did. And not thinking about how he hurt his past girlfriend to be with me. And I worry he will hurt me someday to be with someone else. If it suits his needs, he will do it and not think of me. Once he is tired of me or somebody new ignites a spark, I will be tossed away. Cheating is their way out. They cannot talk to you and have a mature conversation about their needs or what they think might be missing. Instead they go and dabble somewhere else as an escape. I worry my baggage and constant need for reassurance and accusations will drive him to another woman anyway. And maybe part of me is secretly pushing him away. Because it has become too hard for me. So, I am trying to sabotage this relationship.
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A
female
reader, SydneySidney +, writes (18 September 2016):
There is one option that *might* work for you. Or it might be horrible for you. You could give him permission to date other people, so long as he is honest about it and whatever other parameters you would need to feel comfortable with this. This is called polyamory and there are a lot of people who do this. It's not easy and it requires a lot of emotional work, but it also provides a lot of benefits.One huge benefit of polyamory is you can be 99.9% sure that you're not being cheated on, because cheating is now defined as *lying about* dating other people. And there's not much incentive to lie if you have permission to do it.So when you worry about him cheating on you, is it the sleeping with other people that bothers you or the lying about it? If it's just the lying, you might want to read up on polyamory.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 September 2016):
 You want something you can't have, an absolute guarantee that he won't turn around and cheat on you.
It's not going to happen. He can make ALL kind of promises to you (just like he undoubtedly did to his former partner of 10 years).
Words are WORTHLESS when not backed up with actions.
You KNOW what he (and yourself) are capable off. (cheating and being with a guy who IS in a relationship) and now that you have him all to yourself, you have found that you can't trust him. So what do you do? You punish him. You stalk him. You create all kind of drama in hopes that he will either prove you wrong or right.
Why not ACCEPT that when you START a relationship on such SHADY grounds trust are almost impossible between you two.
So instead of becoming this crazy, controlling, moody and manipulative person, END the relationship and LEARN from this.
Don't date guy who already have a partner. Date someone who is single and fully able to commit.
Or continue to be miserable and drive him away. Because you know he WILL leave at some point, no one wants all this accusations and drama in their lives long term.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2016): when it comes to passion and hating yourself or loving him or whatever you are on about 300% where everyone else is on about 75%.Common sense would tell you to invest less in him and more in yourself!We cant give you pity when you manipulate and control your problem.We give advice out of kindness for you and to help you find clarity!Figure out why his girlfriend ditched him and you took on her role!You might discover your own emotional thermometer is out of sync but you have the power to seek help that will adjust it!We dont do pity!So figure out why you need it!We want you to feel ok as much as possible!If you pick up an untrustworthy person to expose yourself to, then start to figure out how to remove yourself from his influence before you reach the end of your rope because the irony is that you are probably more capable thanyou realise.You are too malleable and therefore vulnerable!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2016):
 Oh indeed, so the guy was not married ? and he is living with you, not with the official partner ?
Uhmph. If I may be totally honest ... I am skeptical :). What most repeat posters do not realize , when they keep posting and telling us about themselves along the years, is that we have a narrative voice which is as unique, as distinctive, as personal, as our speaking or singing voice. Mannerisms, punctuation, favourite words, length of sentences...Well, there's still some room for confusions and misapprehensions, sure...but not that much,really.
Hemingway always writes like Hemingway, even when he does not want to .
Let's say, though, that you are not Hemingway ( the poster with your very same problem and a married guy living with his wife ) , but you are Norman Mailer ( a poster with the very same problem, but an umarried , live in guy ).
I think my advice still is reasinable.
As you will notice I did not call you rotten nor invoked fire and brimstone on you.
But, at the end of the day..... you are an adult, and a free agent, whom do you want you blame for your predicament ? Who's keeping you at gun point in a lousy situation ?
... What kind of help would you need from us ? What would you want us to say ?
Would you want suggestions on how to make 100% sure that your partner will always love you and only you ,forever and ever ? On how to turn a sly , self serving cheater, or ex cheater , into a crystal- clear , faithful, untemptable partner ?
A tall order. We don't do magic.
I think all you can do is, either to decide that this is a too shitty, unbearable way to live - and ergo give him the boot at once.
Or, au contraire , to decide that it IS bearable, insofar a ) you ARE bearing it, b ) you'll cross that bridge when you will reach there and c) even if he one day should cuckold you, -you will survive. There are much worse things happening to people .
Your choice. But do pick one.
Of course, there is also a third , and most intelligent choice , one that some Aunts mentioned already : accepting that this is not a love/ relationship issue but a mental health issue, and act according by seeking professional therapy, for as long as it takes- and as a single. But that would take a constance, a seriousness, a sincerity, a humility , a self awareness and a willingness to change, that I am afraid at the moment are way out of your reach.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2016): personally i think you are enjoying the agony!you put yourself in this situation and now you are crying for help!Your at the end of your rope because you have run out of romantic ideas and the rest of your life must be pretty stagnant too!Let me think of a happy ending for your distorted love life.It could go like this:You wake up one day and you say to yourself:"Why am i tormenting myself like this?Well it must be the orgasms!Other people have orgasms so why does it effect me like this?"Then you figure out that if needs be you can get by without orgasms or you have one or two alone with a fantasy that isnt about him and you!Youd better hurry up because you are an inch from being on the game..in fact i wonder if you are already on the game!Are you having sex with other men for money?Maybe the happy ending you need is literally counselling and a support group! Or you tell this pimping man "I dont need you! There is a better person in me!I dont need friends like you either!"
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 September 2016):
Of course you cannot trust him !- because he is married and still living with his wife.
That tells you two things : -that he is quite capable of cheating and deceiving when it suits his interest,
- and that his proclaimed " love " for you is in practice conditional and limited, because it 's a kind of love which is not nearly strong enough to make him leave his wife and commit officially to you.
There's never any iron clad guarantee that your partner will never betray you ; some times things change, people change, feelings change, and what was unthinkable 20 or 10 or 5 years ago...it is happening today. But, of course ,it's a matter of probability and someone who has already cheated in the past ( in fact, he is still cheating today, as long as he is married ) is a riskier bet than someone who never did.
In this light, you are right : you CANNOT trust him , not totally at least. His past and his current actions dent his trustworthiness.
So what you can do about your state of worry, anguish , jealousy and all-around mental pain ?
I'd say, either one of two things :
- Quit. Leave him. End the relationship. What's the point of any relationship, if it has to poison your life to this extent and make you so totally miserable ?
- Or, the opposite approach. Accept the possibility of being twotimed as a distinct possibility, - and live happily, or as happily that you can, regardless.
I mean, I do not want to sound too apocaliptic, but... it is a fact that everything is impermanent and can be taken away from us in a heartbeat. Health, riches, our house, our loved ones... even our survival. An act of God, a freak accident, a stroke of bad luck , ... our life can be turned asunder any moment.
Yet, I do not know many people who would give up walking , or crossing an intersection, because it is POSSIBLE that they are mowed down by a drunk drower.
Or, there is unluckily a lot of adults who get cancer, but it would not be of any help if we spent our childhood and youth thinking all day " Oh God, what am I gonna do if later on I get cancer ? "
If it happens, it happens. You'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there. You 'll play with the cards you'll be dealt with. You'll come up with a plan and a strategy, IF it happens and when it happens.
You won't stop it from happening just by FEARING it's going to happen.
In your case , and sorry to sound cynical, but...it's true : probably even if it happens you won't have to suffer .He is a good deceiver, he is good at covering his tracks, at living a double life. So , hypothetically, he might also have his little walks on the wild side, and make sure that you could not find out. What you don't know cannot hurt you. Probably you would not know and you would not be hurt.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2016):
 Hi.
I know you’ve posted here many times about this boyfriend, and your worries about his “fidelity.” I put that term in quotes because your boyfriend is actually married.
I also know you were so over the moon when you got together that you ignored that he’s a married man. The ups and downs were happening way back then.
You’re experiencing cognitive dissonance.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: you need to see a professional counselor about this. You are in a situation of your own choice that is making you unhappy, distressed to the point you use the words “ paranoid, jealous, insecure, unhappy, a shell of the person I once was”
Get PROFESSIONAL help.
Call your doctor.
OR CALL A MENTAL HEALTH HELPLINE FOR A REFERRAL.
Take a positive action to resolve your cognitive dissonace.
HAVING SEX WITH THIS MAN WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM. It’s a temporary balm on an unsustainable situation.
GET PROFESSIONAL HELP as soon as possible. You’ve been building toward this crisis for some time now.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (16 September 2016):
 I'm not going to give you advice for this relationship because that's short-sighted and futile. You need to be single for several months and seek professional help to deal with your paranoia.
Whether he's cheated or not, you haven't said anything about proof or him giving you a reason to not trust him. OP, please break up with him and see a therapist for a while.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2016): first of all I would like to know if he had done something that make you feel like that right now. I ask you is because I am having the same issues with my current bf. I am 2.5 years with him and he had done hurtful things to me, most of all are lies, I blame myself to still believe on him and forgive him no one but several times. I went to therapy and it shows me that I am a victim of a narcissist who manipulates me and uses. I became paranoid like you, I followed him, I used a GPS on his car, I checked his phone bill and nothing has stopped him to do whatever he wants to do, so I decided to take a break away from him. We do not talk each other, only about some financial stuff that we both are on it thats all the contact we had made in this time. Is hard is really hard because I dont know if this is love or is just because he made me feel like he is the one and he wont let me and I am nothing without him still he talks to other woman at work, still he sign up on dating sites, still he would say he goes to see guy friends when all he does is going out with a new conquer...It is very hard situation I am hoping you can go to therapy and start to work in yourself. We need to rescue our own self. I wish you the best.XOXOXOX
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (16 September 2016):
It's not possible to be sure that someone will never cheat on you. All you can do is take what you know about that person, and what you learn as time goes on, and make an educated guess as to whether or not that person is worth placing your trust in.
If they love you, are generally honest with you AND others and you aren't aware of any cheating in their past, that's about as "safe" a partner as you can find.
If they already lie to you about other things, red flag - obviously.
If you see them routinely lying to other people with words OR omissions, red flag, because the same mechanism that lets them feel justified in lying to others can easily be adapted to include you. I'm not talking white, "of course that haircut looks good on you lies," but significant ones that will cost others time or money or more importantly cause them heartache.
Perhaps most importantly, if you know they have been unfaithful to you or to someone else in the past, huge red flag. Because you know that at the very least they are capable, in the "right" wrong circumstances, of feeling that infidelity is the best or most desired course of action (vs. ending their current relationship first or choosing to remain faithful to their committed partner even when other options are available).
ALSO, since an unfaithful partner is not likely to come out and advertise himself as such, and since cheaters who've had some past practice tend to get very good at hiding things, the importance of trusting your gut cannot be underestimated. Your post doesn't include any specifics as to the behavior that is causing you such distress, but something your partner does or is doing is clearly "off" to you. Unless this level of worry has been a common denominator in your past relationships (in which case, you might benefit from speaking to a professional to help you work through any trust issues), to me that's the biggest red flag of all.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 September 2016):
What has he done that has you convinced he can't be trusted?
Anything?
If he hasn't done anything, there is nothing he can say or do to convince you. You will be better off single.
If he HAS done something to break your trust, was a deal-breaker? And if so, why did you stay?
Why be in a relationship that makes you feel THIS bad? I don't get it.
Obviously loving him makes no difference.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2016): It's the OP.My boyfriend was in a relationship (NOT MARRIED) when I met him.He carried on with me for about a year. ONE WHOLE YEAR I was his secret. He hid me from his girlfriend whom he lived with for 10 years and from everybody else in his life.His girlfriend found out by seeing a few texts he did not delete. He got careless. He always deleted texts. So, she left him. She did not give him a chance to explain. She moved out and that was that.He came begging me to stay with him because by that time, I was getting tired of being in that position. He even said he saw a future for us. And about 3 months ago, we moved into our own place together.But the demons are haunting me. Day and night. Night and day. I question his whereabouts. I micro manage his life. I follow him sometimes. I read into his moods. What he does. Does not do. What he says. Does not say. And it all points to him cheating. I will always think that. I will not believe him. Not a word. He can say he will never fuck around but I KNOW he is already capable. Past actions predict future actions. He will probably cheat on me and trade me in at some point and I cannot keep going by putting myself in this position. To be a sitting duck. Giving him my ALL. I mean ALL and then him throwing me away like a piece of shit even after I was LOYAL to him and gave him my VERY BEST. Blew him away in the bedroom and always took care of him sexually. Took care of him when he was sick. Helped him with his business. Stayed up til 4 in the morning listening to his problems. I don't think I can get any enjoyment out of this relationship always worried and being a nervous wreak. I find I am distancing myself from him. Yes, you need to have faith in a person but how the hell can you ever have faith in a CHEATER????????????? One who is capable of LYING, DECEIVING, and keeping his EMOTIONS in check???? What kind of a guy can keep his emotions so guarded? It is always ALL or NOTHING with him. He goes from loving me to hating me. And then it repeats.Sure, you can go ahead and blame me.It is my fault too and I guess I deserve it.Either way, it is still the worst thing I have ever gone through.Just please don't go on about what a rotten human being I am. Trust me, I already KNOW and I punish myself everyday. More so than you know. Especially by remaining with this kind of a person.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (16 September 2016):
Is this guy still married to someone else?
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (16 September 2016):
 It sounds to me like you've gotten emotionally invested, and that vulnerability has kicked fears and insecurities into an unhealthily high gear. It is not your boyfriend's job to prove himself to you over and over again, to jump through trust hoops. To do this to the other person is to put them through unfair trials, especially if all they get in return is more disbelief and anger from you. It is your job to keep your fears in reasonable check. I think everyone has a little fear in relationships--fear of getting hurt, of not being good enough, or of their partner not being committed enough, something!--but it is important to examine those fears and review how much they are stemming from something real, or they are stemming from our brains, anxieties, ourselves.
Everyone is capable of breaking our hearts. The "point" of love is to try to take a leap of faith and suspend disbelief that this will happen this time. Or to just embrace the unknown and enjoy the ride of companionship, even with the understanding that it may end. It will be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you just determine the outcome already and say "well this guy is going to hurt me." It's like if you were a gardener and before putting the seed in the ground, said, well, this flower is going to die. Yeah, probably! But either you enjoy the process of nurturing it in the meantime, or your attitude will make something end before it ever begins.
I think you would benefit from getting a therapist to help reframe and moderate your thoughts around your boyfriend, which sound like they may have become obsessive. Even if your thoughts are not grounded in reality, they obviously have real consequences and CAN drive you crazy and CAN be the undoing of a relationship, as they can push away your partner. Like I said, it's important to keep those thoughts in check, and it sounds like you've lost control on how to do that, or maybe you don't have the tools to do it. Which is okay, we all need a tuneup sometimes. Getting a counselor will also help you not put all this on the relationship. It should help dissipate the anxiety you feel, so you won't confront him about every single perceived slight or wrong or transgression he's committed.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 September 2016):
 Blimey! I think everyone is capable of breaking someone else's heart but if you carry on telling this poor guy he will break yours, it will turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy and he will eventually get fed up and think, "Hey, I am being accused of it, so I may as well do it."
Why not concentrate on making your relationship as strong as possible, your time together as enjoyable and special as possible, and then you may start to see that YOU are special too and he will realize how lucky he is to have you and see no point in looking for someone else.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 September 2016):
 You say you want him to be a good man, but you don't mention why you don't trust him, we cannot give you a lot of advice until you share with us what he has done wrong for you not to trust him?
If he has cheated and he has admitted it then I can see your point, I would never be able to trust someone after that either.
But if you just think that he has and you have no proof well then that's a whole different story.
Please give us more details.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (16 September 2016):
 Do you know that he has cheated on you? Have you collected evidence? What has brought you to this place?
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