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How can I find a guy? I have this huge fear of being alone and not married

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, Friends, Health, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 June 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 5 June 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I wanted to come here and ask if anyone has any advice on how to get over this fear - for the last 12 years - I'm 31 - I have a huge fear on being alone- not being married

It's driven me into the arms of men that are verbally abusive and men that just take me for granted

- the last one didn't even bother to end it in person- I hate being alone- and this attract these people- on top of that now that I'm getting older I fear being some even more - nothing matter but this and it's so sad - it's taken over my life.

I fantasize about finding someone and about finally getting this man that I've lost

Sight of reality. I don't know why I put my worth on a title.

Or marriage, but I've been brainwashed by my parents and friends - I am in therapy now and what my therapist has said was not to go and date - it's been a year now that I have not met any man but I'm still anxious.

I know if I go online and force things that won't work - because it didn't t the last time -

I've lost hope I feel like I'm stuck - I can't stand myself this way- does anyone have any ideas on how I can stop this madness - my world has always revolved around men and it's so hard to find one that when I do find someone - I drop everything for the guy. -

I just want to be happy and calm - if anyone has any advice please let me know

View related questions: want to be happy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017):

A search for someone in urgency and desperation will only bring you bad results.

You can get married and still feel lonely and rejected. Marriage doesn't guarantee happiness; nor will it necessarily cure your feeling of loneliness. Do you ever read these posts from married-people?

Have you talked to friends or family who have divorced? Talk to a divorcee, and they will fill you in on some reality. I mean someone level-headed, not some bitter cynic full of woe and laden with trust issues. You'll scream!

"Happy and calm" starts at home. Happiness has to be home-grown; then you'll have some to offer when you find someone good who wants to be with you. No one is responsible for making you happy. Half the time, you don't know what makes you happy, it can change day by day; or even by the hour. You won't always be happy, no matter who you have and how much you've got. That's human-nature. Never grateful, always wanting more; and then when they get it, they're still not happy. Others hate life, because it's not perfect and they don't want to deal with reality. Appreciate joy as long as it lasts. Period!

The pursuit of your happiness in in your own hands. You have to learn to be your own best friend. I always tell OP's that being single is not living in solitary-confinement. If you don't get out and be visible by keeping an active-life; you're hidden away and nobody knows where or who you are. You have to socialize, participate, and contribute something good to society. That's how you earn rewards and blessings. Not wait for everything to drop into your lap. How entitled and self-important that kind of thinking is?!! It's the general consensus! " I want, and I should have!" What did you do to get it? Even better...to deserve it?!!

Women seem more guilty of this, than us men. Every date does not get one-step closer to a relationship. You can't over-think and worry about what he's feeling, and make the mistake of falling for him before you know him! That is 90% of the reason why so many romantic-connections fail, or never get anywhere. Wanting too much, too soon. Attribute it to desperation and a chronic-case of neediness. Nothing makes a man more antsy around a woman. Same is true in the gay-community. Over-anxious and needy gay-men, are scary too!

Enjoy life for what it is, and it will change your outlook.

You got a string a losers; because you grabbed the first thing that was male, and had a heartbeat. You were on a man-hunt and a mission;while racing the clock.

Turned-out to be a mess didn't it?

Give your mind a rest. Stop pressuring yourself and creating a bunch junk all-up in your skull. Destiny sets a time and place for events to begin and end in your life. Things come together when when the right formula has been found to make it happen.

Take a lone-vacation to someplace warm, sunny, and exotic. Embrace your freedom and independence. Stop assuming marriage will cure your ills and make you whole. It's not a remedy to suffering. It's a pathway to love and building a family. All the good stuff is supposed to be loaded and ready for distribution when you meet your match. Not waiting for him to bring it.

You must be whole first, have your own act together; and you don't know if you're mommy-material, until you actually become one. Not just because you can have a child! Then it's on-the-job training. Kids don't come with manuals. Each is as different as snowflakes. Just like their fathers.

"When will I snag me a man, when will I get married, I want kids...now, now, now!!!" Love doesn't happen on demand. It requires you to do self-improvement, take care of yourself, then when it's your time; someone comes out of nowhere and the chemistry ignites. You can't rush it, you can't predict it. It just...happens!!!

My parents taught me that a married-couple are equals. Each one is required to bring something to the other equally valuable to exchange for love. It makes for a better match, and the trust is better established. If it's not balanced, the scale tilts. It will never work. One should balance the other, and it lasts longer; because you're offering as much as you take. Got it?

If you're a needy mess, you'll only burden someone with your frailties, faults, and insecurities. Being single is when we go through our basic-training and preparation to be the best we can be. Downtime after a breakup is time for a makeover, renovation, and to place yourself under repair. You pull your sh*t together, and you're ready and deserving. Not when you're all whiny and desperate.

Make your freedom worth something. Go to plays, attend concerts, go to local parades. Attend the church picnic, or go to the local fairs. Dress-up and head out with your girlfriends just to show-off your good-looks and build your confidence. Concentrate on you, and you'll stop pining and longing for what isn't available to you at the moment.

If you aren't living life to the fullest now; you'll be like dead-weight on somebody else. A good man who has a lot to give, deserves as much back. Too many women want a lot, but are they even prepared to to give equal in exchange? Would they even recognize a good man if they saw one? Most have; but he was too dull or not as intriguing as the bad-boys!

Enjoy your life. It's a gift, not a burden. You can lose it, it's too short, and there are many who'd love to trade theirs for yours!

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (5 June 2017):

Denizen agony auntUntil you find the right man to marry try friendship. Get out to social clubs, evening classes, volunteer groups and make some friends.

There are lovely people out there and they know other lovely people. Get involved with different pursuits - more than one. You may well find someone you like while filling your lonely time with interesting occupations.

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