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How can I end my feelings of regret

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 June 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 14 June 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi aunts. I was in a relationship for six months which he ended two months ago now. I fell in love, we both did and shared a special connection. However he ended it after we had a problem between us that kept surfacing in that I am very tactile and he is not. He felt criticized by me at times due to this and said he felt awful as he wasn't good enough for me and wasn't enough for me.

I am still in so much pain from this, and I am trying to work out why I'm so hung up still two months on as it was only six months, but we had such strong feelings, which I still have, and I feel heartbroken still.

Surely I should start to feel better by now? I just feel it's blind=sided me and the stuffing has been knocked out of me. I really trusted that we had a future together and I'm devastated, and keep coming back to the fact I'm two months on from the break up and still stuck.

We parted nicely. Should I contact him and tell him how I feel? I did this shortly after our split but he was adamant we wouldn't work even though he loves me. Why do I feel so bad still?

View related questions: fell in love, heartbroken

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 June 2017):

CassieMosswing made a good point. People breakup for a number of reasons; and they don't always give them all. They don't have to; if they want out, let them go.

You are a mature woman. At your age, you have the benefit of experience from your previous relationships. Observation of how others conduct theirs, is also the opportunity to learn; without having to go through what they have gone through.

My opinion is, you fell too hard for such a brief amount of time.

I think a high percentage of your feelings is desperation, loneliness, and the fear your options are too limited. You clung to the man so tight, that he felt smothered.

On top of that, he wasn't looking for what you were looking for in a relationship. You may have come across as insecure and needy. You describe it as "tactile."

Tactility has degrees. Holding, clutching, snuggling, hugging, and caressing on the normal end of the spectrum. Clinging, clawing, pawing, and being conjoined at the hip on the extreme end of the spectrum.

Most men do not like being clung-on to like lint! With affection comes how we also express our insecurities. People also read our emotions through how we touch them; physically and psychologically. I am sure he broke-up for more than one reason. You know that.

Only one is really enough. Would giving you a grocery list of reasons make you feel any better? It would hurt your feelings even more. I got dumped and was told I was too good for him. Time proved he told me the truth. my new man confirmed it.

The fact you can't let go of a short-lived relationship and fell so deeply; says something about you. He picked-up on it.

He wasn't in it as deep as you were. Though he was very fond of you, he didn't love you. He may have said it, because it was what you wanted to hear. If someone keeps saying it, they are prodding you to echo the same sentiments. You might even blurt it out in a fit of passion. Oops!!!

You didn't really believe him, but you held-on for dear-life. That scared him; because he was not truly honest with you, and had to bail! He wanted to make you feel good, and he may have only wanted sex.

He might have started-out feeling very fond of you, or even desperate in his own right. The difference is; he came to his senses at some point. It was not the fantasy-relationship you hoped it to be, and he couldn't pretend.

Whether he gave you all the reasons or not; he still wanted to breakup. That's enough. You have to deal with that.

Shake-off all the uncertainty and stand-up to the rejection. You're a dignified and strong woman. You know these things do happen; but we have to face them with strength, dignity, and defiance. They neither define who we are or set our limitations. He wasn't the right guy for YOU! That's that!

He doesn't own you, and he does not have power or control over your feelings. You fear loneliness and it's making you behave with desperation.

You want a relationship so bad that you were afraid he would dump you; and your neediness made it happen through self-fulfilling prophecy. Going in, you worried about what could possibly go wrong. Fear and insecurity made you cling to him. Pawing at him, begging for him to respond the way you felt he should. If he loved you. It was not in his nature. Maybe too much for any man! Check yourself!

I too am a tactile-person. I am affectionate; but I know what degree is enough. Give in measured-dosages. There are appropriate times and situations that call for more comfort and open displays. It can't be full-force at all times. No one can handle that. Not even you! If you're rational and reasonable.

People who don't respond to, or return, your affection are totally incompatible. However; you may also be going overboard. Until it feels weird and off-putting.

With no exceptions. If they don't like it, why bother?

It takes time to get-over rejection and to comeback to ourselves. Rejection destroys the ego. It beats you down. That is most of the pain you're feeling right not. Don't worry, you'll recover from it.

You're a little humiliated, taken aback, and even insulted.

"Who the hell does he think he is?" Well, his loss! Some guys love women full of love and affection. He apparently isn't one of us. "Thumbs in ears and stick out your tongue!"

Own some responsibility for the breakup; but do not take the blame. You're not his type, which means he's not yours either. That goes two-ways!

Meaning there was something that didn't work between you; and one of you realized it before it was too late.

It may not make you feel better, but you have to learn how not to throw yourself in too hard, or too fast. Stay on the same page. Men take longer to establish our true feelings. We're less emotional.

Pay attention to red-flags, and let go of your old baggage. What other men may have done to you in the past is not his burden to carry. Each man is an individual, and responsible for his own actions and deeds. He is to be judged on his own merits. Clinging shows desperation, not love.

If he felt smothered by your affections; he was not as into you, as you were into him. That doesn't necessarily mean you were trying too hard; nor that he wasn't trying hard enough. It just wasn't meant to be, and the incompatibility in your personalities overruled any feelings you have.

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A female reader, CassieMosswing United Kingdom +, writes (13 June 2017):

CassieMosswing agony aunt I think breaking up over that is just an excuse. People break up over big things, not small things. Let him go and find yourself an honest man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017):

He doesnt love you but he was being polite and it sounded good at the time!

He didnt realise you would hang onto the idea of him but thought you would move on quickly!

He was clear about thinking it wouldnt work out so he doesnt expect to have to continually justify it.

There must be an ideal guy for you who will see off all other contestants by being there for you and not ending it so keep looking for someone special who is dreaming of heaven on earth with a tactile woman!

I hope it is a loving kind of tactile you employ and not a hitting kind.

Hitting kind of people tend not to last long tho there are some men who profess to find it exciting but in general tactile aggressive ladies will not keep a man!

Tactile loving ladies are highly sought after in mens dreams!

You just need to match up in reality!

He was honest that you wouldnt work out so maybe you are used to dishonest men or people in general as you seem to doubt he meant it!

I am sure he meant it! So let him go and find the guy who craves your physical affection.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (13 June 2017):

judgedick agony auntIt takes time to get back to where you should be, when you love someone and they don't love you the same way.

You gave your all he was not into it the same way and he does not want to build the same thing at this time.

Some men put their job and rising up on their level on more importance than others.

If you can get out more with some friends and give your self the time to just simply be happy with where you are at this moment, then the right man for you will come along when you least expect it

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (12 June 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWas this the only reason that he gave you for breaking up? If so, then he's not being truthful. There has to be something deeper which he's not telling you.

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