A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been trying online dating and have been chatting with a nice man and we plan to meet . He seems a bit low within himself , we were chatting today about general stuff and he seems a bit depressed about his weight he told me 2 years ago he lost 5 stone but has put it all back on which would make him on the large side ( hes also 6 foot 3 ) this doesnt bother me at all. I feel hes delaying meeting because of his size and low self esteem . I dont want to just state the obvious to him and say your weight doesnt bother me he seems to yearn for a few things from his past like being slimmer and his look he had . i dont want to come across all mean by saying grow up you cant have the past back its gone , what can i say to him in general chat to give him a boost ? ive said nice stuff like how i like tall men and that he suits his facial hair , im wanting a variety of positive things to say without coming across as a therapist does anyone have any ideas ? thanks
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female
reader, malvern +, writes (13 September 2016):
 I've done all this online dating thing and all I can say is this - If they haven't met you after about three emails then GIVE UP ! They are wasting your time, believe me I know ! He could be sitting in a room on his own with his wife downstairs watching the television. He certainly sounds like he's stalling for time. Also, is this what you want? A man who moans about his weight before you've even met him? He hardly sounds like a bundle of fun does he? Search for somebody else. I met my partner online. We met after two days of emails and we've been together seven years now. He said to me at the time 'What's the point in keep writing to each other, you may as well meet and THEN decide if it's worth continuing'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2016): I think he needs to work on his issues before he starts dating.
It's not up to you to go out rescuing people you've never met and found on the internet; unless you take that on as a profession. That is not the purpose of online-dating sites. You really need to find yourself a nice guy with good character and a healthy self-esteem. It's good to be compassionate and show empathy, but you're heading down a path that isn't conducive to starting a healthy and happy romance.
Too often women get themselves tied-up with men with mental health issues or untreated mental disorders; thinking they can rescue them from their demons. More often, they become victims of their own poor judgement. It's best to be friendly and distant, and let this gentleman come to terms with his health issues. Depression requires medical attention. He should see his doctor.
If he is avoiding you, then let him be. There may be other issues you don't know about, and you may be placing yourself at risk. You know he struggles with his self-esteem and weight; you don't know what other issues he may have that he didn't share. See this as a red-flag. Pressing him to see you may be very unwise. On top of the fact he's a very big man.
I think you should err on the side of caution and wish him well. Don't press him to meet you, don't get desperate for company and make foolish moves. You've never met him and you already know he has problems. Find yourself someone healthy and of strong character, and enjoy a functional relationship. Women nursemaiding broken men write us everyday asking for help and how to get out of the mess they've gotten themselves into. Make a wise choice while you can.
You don't need a relationship built on pity.
Relationships should be built on trust and mutual-love. It should be healthy, functional, and safe from the very start. Not taken on as your personal project to build a man into what he should already be before he decides to date people. Wasting your precious time time trying to make him love himself, which is the primary issue here.
If he doesn't love himself, he won't have the ability to love you. Suggest he seek some counseling and consider a weight-loss program. Maybe sometime in the future when he's better, you can pickup where you left-off. He's on the same planet as you are, and knows there's help if he needs it.
I suggest you wish him well and go about your business.
Suggest he write DC himself. Perhaps he'll find help and comfort here.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 September 2016):
 Tell him about a diet he can stick to with lots of veggies and beans. Get a cookbook like macrobiotic, paleo, or anything you like and suggest that you would cook a meal together. You can also suggest a dance class and ask him to join.
If that doesn't work, he needs to be real with himself. Does he go online looking for sympathy or does he really want to date?
His weight doesn't bother you but his attitude certainly does. If he's depressed then he's certainly not ready for dating. Maybe he just broke up and he spent his time eating pizza and ben and jerry's, and beer in front of the TV. A lot of people go online for rebounds and he sounds like one of them.
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