A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy online and we talked for a few weeks before having our first date today at a coffee shop. We had a lot in common and he said very sweet things to me, which made me think he liked me. He knew that I was a virgin and that I had never gotten past making out with a guy, and I also told him I had no problem making out on a first date if I really liked the person. As long as it stayed classy. He said he would try to contain himself, but that he is really touchy feely. After having our coffee and talking and joking around like we have been doing online, we went out to his car in the parking lot so we could be a little louder without disturbing the other people who were int here studying. He started kissing me, which I didn't mind as I had wanted a kiss, because I really like this guy. He had hinted that he was going to kiss me anyway. We started making out and he asked if he could grab my boob, and I was nervous, because I had never done that with anyone. He grabbed my boob, then slipped his hand under my bra and pulled my bra back so he could see my boobs. I flinched a little, and he asked if I was uncomfortable and I said yes, as I didn't want him taking me for a slut, and he kept telling me he he didn't. He kept doing it, even though it was very obvious that I didn't want it, but he kept assuring me that he only wanted to help me be more comfortable with those sexual things and get it out of the way ont he first date to try and build my confidence a little. He even said he would wait to have sex until we were more serious and understood that I am just new to all of this and he thinks I am adorable and smart and sweet. He even asked if I wanted kids in the future... and he wants to have a second date. He held my hand in the car and didn't try having sex, he just grabbed too much. I told him I want to take it slow. My mother and brother told me he was probably just really excited and lost control a little bit, and that I was right to tell him when I was uncomfortable. I feel like a slut for allowing him to touch me, and now I am confused because he seems serious about me, butthe touching makes it seem like he wants sex.
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boobs, bra , confidence, kissing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): So OP what have you decided to do about the situation?
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 July 2015):
 or Honeypie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2015):
 Good grief! GROW the heck up. It isn't about feminism (though it' a shame you don't grasp THAT concept either)
And thanks Cindy for trying to explain the "slut" point. I figured it was pretty clear myself....
So OP call yourself a slut all you want and feel liberated!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 July 2015):
Never ever mess with CindyCares when it comes to language...she'll blow you right out of the water.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 July 2015):
 No, OP- that's not a matter of feminism but of using English properly. " Slut " does NOT mean " a woman who has multiple partners ". Take out any English dictionary and you'll see that it means:
a slovenly woman, a slattern, a trollop.
a prostitute , a whore
a loose, disreputable woman.
a dirty, messy ( includig sexually dirty ) woman.
All the different definitions have anyway a strong, intentional offensive and derogatory connotation.
Even in informal street parliance, or slang, - slut does not just mean " a woman who has multiple partners " ( which ,after all , it's not necessarily a negative, or an insult ! ). It is instead used to signify not just simply... a free spirit, as your multiple partner woman could be,... but someone who is EXCEEDINGLY, disgustingly promiscuous . There's always an aggressive, demeaning , never just descriptive ,intention behind the use of this word.
Therefore, if you see fit to call yourself a slut.... suit yourself , I guess.
But if you want to use this word referred to other women,more or less sexually active and liberated.... you should ask THEM first !, they might have strong objections .
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (16 July 2015):
 He has shown you very little respect. He's pushing for more and more physical contact with little regard to your feelings.
I think you should end things with him right away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, thank you for your response, but please do not push your feminist, anti-slut to me. The term means a woman who has multiple partners, therefore, I will use it if I se fit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): Do not go on a second date!!!
This guy has no respect for you and what if he take it too far, you tell him to stop but he has already got his hands down your knickers? It is easy to do to someone's naive and I know this because it has happened to me. Then I was forced to have sex against my will. And I was the most naive person you'll meet.
Do not trust a man like this!!! "Excited" my ass. This guy just wants to get his dick wet and what better than a virgin to gloat about to all his asshole friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Hi. He was wrong to grope you, and even more so when you made it clear you didn't feel comfortable. He was band out of order, and I cant see this guy is for you hun, in regard to your values and beliefs. If you had told him you were a virgin, even more shame on him here. There's no rush, and there's plenty of decent guys out there- don't allow yourself to feel pressured into sexual activity of any sort, the right man won't put you in such a position x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 July 2015):
First off, drop the term slut. Don't use it for yourself or any other woman ever again.
Second of all, HE took advantage of you inexperience and you curiosity. YOU told him you were uncomfortable and HE didn't stop! That is a red flag. HE should have stopped. "Being "excited" is NO EXCUSE.
I have to say, you are a very naive young lady, who NEED to start being a bit more smart before something goes really really wrong, and you end up in a situation you CAN NOT handle.
Take no nonsense Aidan's advice. DROP this guy. And NEXT time you talk to someone online DO NOT mention your virginity, it's like "fish chum" for sharks like this and other guys who just want a "I took someone's virginity notch". BE a little more guarded.
And groping and kissing is NOT classy on a first date, no matter how much you have "talked" online first.
Save that for a later date, like the 4th or 5th - or EVEN better SAVE it for when you two become EXCLUSIVE GF/BF.
Talking about having kids means nothing. It doesn't mean he is serious. It just means that he is throwing out a line to see if you bite. It's like a guy who talks marriage or love, because he knows those subject can result in dropped panties.
THE guy is a dud. I'd skip him and try again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): He wouldn't stop when he was groping your boobs and you felt uncomfortable- he's only in it for the sex.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 July 2015):
 This - which you wrote - contains all the necessary details:
"...I am confused because he seems serious about me, butthe touching makes it seem like he wants sex...."
My interpretation: Yes, he is serious about you.... serious about getting you to put out.... All that fluff - contained in thse well-chosen words he said - are meant to help you justify letting down our guards... DON'T! (let them down)... this guy wants one thing, only...
Keep lookin'....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 July 2015):
 He is NOT serious. A man who is serious about you would not take you to his car to make out.
He would not cop a feel on a first date.
there is NO way to make out on a first date and keep it classy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Sounds like he knows all the right things to say, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him... He should have stopped when you told him you were uncomfortable - any man who respects a woman would have done so. I'm so sorry to hear he turned out to be a bit of an arse :( From what you've said it sounds like he would push you into doing things you weren't ready for, so tread with caution! Good luck ma dear :) x
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 July 2015):
So, to be clear, you told him you were uncomfortable with something, but he kept doing it, because it’s for him to decide when and how your confidence should be built up? How utterly noble of him! What he in fact did was to show a total disregard for your boundaries. You made it clear you didn’t like something, and he kept doing it. This wasn’t him helping you out, it was him doing what he wanted, however it felt for you. Does he want sex? Yes. The question is whether he’s just after sex or he cares about you. Well, this went way too far for a first date. You might be beating yourself up about it, but even if you should probably not have gone as far as making out on the first date, remember that you told him you weren’t comfortable with it and he carried on. This was his mistake, not yours. This suggests to me that he cares much more about the sex he can get, than about you as a person and your feelings. I certainly don’t think he’s expecting to have to wait too long.
If I were you, I’d take this incident as a big warning and not pursue this any further. Also, don’t make yourself seem attractive to the types who just want sex. No making out, no grabbing anything, for a good few dates. If he just wants sex, he’ll get bored and go elsewhere quickly enough.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): I wouldn't go on a second date. You told him you were uncomfortable and flinched. He should have stopped. That shows a complete disregard for you and how you feel. You're right, trust your instinct as he probably just wants sex. No one should leave you feeling ashamed, and using the excuse he was helping you be more comfortable with sexual things...you were happy to kiss but he took it too far. I wouldn't trust this man.
A guy talking about kids on a first date too is weird. I don't know the guy obviously but to me it sounds like he thinks he knows all the things to say to make out like he is interested in the long term. But it was probably bullshit.
I really wouldn't rush yourself into meeting someone, and online you can meet so many complete and utter fakes and idiots. Don't let someone be with you because they want to be the one to take your virginity, to some men this is just something to brag about with the lads.
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