A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend seems to have a lot of repressed aggression. Every now and then it bubbles over. It can manifest in swearing, I mean real atypical cursing, and sometimes taking things out on inanimate objects like her sat nav being thrown across the car.Most of the time I can deal with this. However I feel a similar anger being generated in me. Sometimes I have yelled back. This is not typical of me. I come from a family that rarely raised its voice to one another.While her anger isn't at a stage to require counselling, I would like better ways to deal with it so it doesn't build up inside me. Your suggestions will be valued. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): Just the fact that her anger has raised enough concern that it made you seek advice from DC is a red-flag! She has reached a stage of verbal-abuse and violence.
Things flung into the air in anger will hit something, or someone!
The lady needs anger-management counseling, dear sir! I guess you're wondering how to tell her without her going-off on an angry tirade? Right?
You're not supposed to deal with her tantrums. She is!!!
How does she hold-down a job with such a temper?
You're an easy-going gentleman who would love to find some low-key way to suggest that she seek help to gain self-control and tame her rages; but there is no pleasant way to tell someone who has a short fuse and swears like a sailor.
Don't be provoked into yelling back. The best way a man can diffuse a heated situation with a woman is to remove himself. Leave the room, excuse yourself to the restroom, or step outside for cool air. Don't have a shouting-match with a woman, sir. That's violent/aggressive-behavior, and it could escalate into something much worse; especially if she is given to throwing things. It's only a matter of time before what she throws finds you as the target.
Hopefully she doesn't show-out in public and make a total spectacle of herself. Be that the case, tell her straight on, that you want her to get some help. If she is going through her menopausal-stage of life, she may need hormone-therapy to settle her down. Sometimes menopause completely changes even the most poised and subdued lady into an entirely different person.
Yelling, cursing, and throwing isn't typical of a woman going through menopause; but it is certainly behavior that requires professional evaluation and/or counseling.
She should also see her primary-care physician. I know of someone who had a primary intrinsic brain tumor (glioma) that caused similar behavior. Almost psychotic. That's a bit extreme, but she should also rule-out medical maladies.
I'm sorry, but if she refuses any suggestion to seek help; you'll have to offer her an ultimatum.
She must get help, or you must leave her. You're at a mature stage of life where this will start to affect your own health. It will cause undue stress and raise your blood-pressure. This can't wait. She needs to seek the counseling ASAP! She's a threat to herself and others around her. My fear is she might do you physical harm.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (26 July 2017):
 Sometimes when I read here I assume that the poster is in their 20's dealing with maturity issues. Then I see that in this case we are in the same age range. At your age you have seen a lot. You know how to keep yourself safe. You aren't easily lured into a dangerous situation.
This one has snuck up on you. You have just realized the precariousness of your situation. The truth is you know what you must do, but you are reluctant to break a relationship that was looking promising.
In case you (or another reader) have forgotten here are the priorities in an abusive situation. 1) secure the physical safety of Children and innocents. 2) secure your own physical safety. 3) Secure the safety of assets, money and property. 4)secure the safety of the abuser.
You are starting at 5 instead of 1. You can't help if you are dead.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 July 2017):
 Actually, if she's throwing property, her anger *is* at a stage to require counseling. Anger issues are a lot like illness. It progresses if it's left untreated, and like cancer, getting it at an advanced stage means that there's irreparable damage that can't be undone. My own aunt grew up with rage issues, and she was ultimately convicted of stabbing her live-in boyfriend to death with a kitchen knife in a drunken rage-filled episode. She was convicted of second-degree murder.
After the incident, she did go through some intensive therapy both as an inmate and then on the outside (She was sentenced to 15 years and served 8).
She says the same thing all the time -- she wishes she had gone to counseling before going that far.
Unchecked rage is always progressive. She's bottling it up because something isn't being dealt with, and you can NOT be her therapist. You will be the object of her rage more and more. That is no way to live.
You need to tell her to deal with this early, like early stage cancer, before she causes permanent damage to herself and others. If she's throwing a SAT NAV across the car, she's not paying attention to the road. What if in that rage, she were to hit another car carrying a woman and her baby?? Then it's too late.
If she starts getting abusive towards you as it is starting to look like, you need to get away. As I said -- do NOT be her therapist and hope that love conquers all. My aunt's boyfriend is dead because of that mindset.
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