A
male
age
41-50,
*agle3089
writes:I confessed that I cheated on my wife, but she wont forgive me. I've read a few web pages. I understand that in order for it to work, she must be willing to try too. This is not possible for her now. She wont talk to me. Please help me think of how to create a situation where she has to speak to me even if to insult me. Lol I'm sorry but she wont talk to me. Its eating her inside and me too. I havent heard her voice speaking to me, only to our kids. Im sure they suspect something is going on but she would hate me if I tell our children that she's mad at me or i messed up. Making her more angry is the least i want. Before i cheated, she was just too sweet and good to be true. Bless her heart. One of the web pages said that if i got her love once, i could make her fall in love with me again. From zero. Hard to do without communication. I dread the time she would talk to me but only to ask me leave the house and file for divorce. I could never try too hard. I need to convince myself im doing all i can do to get my family back. I'm not violent, i dont get easily mad, neither does she until now. She was cheated on before. She didnt deserve this again. And im very regretful. I need to get her to talk to me again without involving our children. She would hate me if i do and i never would anyway.
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male
reader, eagle3089 +, writes (5 September 2014):
eagle3089 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice and I am doing my best to redeem myself. Thanks a lot again for taking the time to post on this question, it is much appreciated. I'll post a follow up if I get any progress.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): Behave in-front of the children. You deserve what you're getting. Being a married family-man; you not only violated your vows; but you destroyed her trust. Rebuilding trust is as difficult as rolling a boulder up a hill. You try and try, and the boulder just doesn't budge. You might get it to slide or roll a little at a time; but it doesn't get any easier for the effort and energy it takes to move it. This is a sign she is not going to make that easy for you.
People make a lot of money writing books, or counseling couples trying to mend marriages. The results may vary, and it all depends on the victim's "willingness" to forgive. Sometimes you just can't. You want to, but you just can't.
You didn't weigh the pros and cons of compromising her trust; before you went and had sex with another woman. You destroyed your whole family for a few minutes of pleasure; and just don't seem to care about the impact it would have on your family and marriage. Easy forgiveness usually makes it all the easier for you to do it again. That's the problem.
You also cheated on your kids. They trust that you would love them and their mother enough to keep the family intact. Short of hitting you upside your head with an iron skillet, not speaking to you is the most powerful way she knows to punish you. The truth is, she is just so hurt she is at a loss for words. Her passive-aggressive response is as powerful as her fist. She doesn't want to rage at you, the children will hear. Things will fly out of control.
Silence is deadly.
Sir, you will have to wait and see. You have to be good to your children and continue being a good husband without receiving her affection; until she can break-though her wall of silence and offer you the words you deserve to hear.
Exactly what do you want her to say? Why are her feelings toward you so important after the fact?
Take your punishment. Pray maybe she will forgive you. That doesn't mean she should not and will not divorce you. Knowing she has been hurt this way before; how on earth do you feel you deserve to keep her? Things have their way of turning around sometimes. Forces more powerful than ourselves sometimes grant us another chance to change and redeem ourselves. That doesn't mean you'll get back all you've thrown away, but you may find peace and redemption.
You will always have your children to share between you.
That doesn't mean she has to remain your wife to do that.
She deserves better. She is a good woman. Faithful and a good mother.
You can start making it up to her by being a good father to your children. Continue to respect her feelings and give her the space she needs. She is in shock, and terrific pain. It's hard for her not to speak to you. She wants to.
It's hard not to go ballistic and just scream and claw your face. To look at you, and to share the very space you stand on. Imagine her anger and disgust. Try to understand how she feels. You owe her that.
It is my opinion she will forgive you someday. She does love you. That is why what you did, hurts so much.
What cheaters fail to realize is that you're showing your trusting partner that your love is not strong enough to resist temptation. That's what you promised with your vows.
Even as a boyfriend or girlfriend, faithfulness counts; because it is proof just how much that person actually means to you. We are all capable of making mistakes; but cheating is deliberate. Therefore; forgiveness should just be handed to you without serious consequences. You're not a boyfriend; you're a husband and a father.
There is no certainty that forgiveness will change you. It certainly will not undo what you've done. I think her decision to leave you would be an adequate and justified action to allow her room to start forgiving you. She and your children didn't mean enough to you to resist another woman. Your forgiveness is the humane and decent thing to do; because you are the father of her children. They love you too. It doesn't follow that forgiveness has to come with remaining married to you. What your dick wants means too much to you.
I hope she will forgive you. So you both can continue to be good parents. Remain a family. I hope you've learned the error of your ways and realize what a huge mistake you've made by destroying her trust; which is the very glue holding your family together. You've broken her heart completely. It seems you're more concerned about your own feelings. How you can make yourself feel better. Like what you've done to hurt, her isn't that much of a big deal. You just said it's hard to do without the communication. Not how profoundly sorry you are for destroying your family.
Thinking of her and the children first, they deserve having their whole family together. You can't create situations to get your wife back. That is a life-decision left in her hands; and she must do what's best for her and the kids.
Keeping a cheating husband around? How is that good for her and the children? If you can figure that out, you will come up with a way to get your wife back.
Do everything you can. Marriage-counseling, begging, and praying. Stay out of her way. Do things for her without her asking. You will eventually have to talk to your children. They deserve to know what's going on. Hiding the truth and acting weird in-front of them is immature and unfair. Take your punishment like a man. Ask and pray for her forgiveness everyday; even if she doesn't speak a word to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): To 'win' her back you have to win her respect and that is going to be tough. Can you improve yourself in other ways - demonstrate that you are a better person - so that from afar she can perhaps fall in love again? Trust is so difficult to get back but I have a friend whose husband cheated and they went on to have another baby - they worked hard to see it through. You have nothing to lose but crowding her and pressurising her will not work. If you stay the same and just say "I won't cheat on you again" it is not believable. If you show your integrity in a million other ways (improve your health and wellbeing, actively support a good cause, commit positive time to your children and family or friends are just examples) and that you have turned your life around and you are doing it because you want a better life and with her in it then she might, just might see a way forward. Be supportive of her and help her in practical ways if she will let you but do not make a move on her. Show her the respect now that you failed to do before.
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