A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I recently was involved with a man at work however it hasn't worked out as I planned :-( . We never had sex , just hugs, kisses and loved each other's company. We have had an amazing time together and I really thought he cared about me. He used to tell me how much he loved me, how happy I make him, how excited he feels around me and how he would always love me. I fell hard for him... :-(I found out he had a partner after she called me, understandably angry making threats at me . I was devastated when I found out apparently she had seen some texts and he had to tell her everything. She won't leave him alone anymore and monitors his phone . She is often calling me harassing me though I've cut contact with him. We cut contact but im suffering badly with heartbreak and I spend some days at work very upset and go home and I'm pretty down all evening :-( . I haven't seen him in the office since we cut contact and I found out however I know I will see him next week. When I cut contact I told him that we should end it, his response was "I don't want to end it, I don't want to ditch you, let the dust settle for a bit" ... This has kept it open ended in his eyes. He says he is so unhappy at home but can't leave.It escalated further whereby his partner "found" a pair of knickers in his car. They certainly weren't mine as we never got that far so I am left thinking , did he have other girls on the go? He swore to me he didn't and that she has planted (tricked) and sent him a photo of them to "play a game" with him. I don't know what to think here...How do I cope next week seeing him at work? Act civil? Try and talk about it to clear the air? We have never argued luckily . I just don't understand how someone can tell you they love you and mean so much to you and it's just rubbish :-( I'm devastated as he told me we would have made an amazing couple . Why do people say things they don't truly mean without thinking about how it could damage someone else :-( ? How do I cope seeing him each day, potentially flirting with other ladies in the future ? Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2017): Original poster here. I have an update on this situation. So Monday I went in, just avoided him but ended up bumping into him. He emailed me asking me if everything was okay cause he cares about me. I had a quick chat with him but nothing else significant , just civil.
Then all of this week, nothing. Completely avoiding me, complete silent treatment. It's like I don't exist. Just sad that I can go from being so much to someone to being absolutely nothing. He's blocked me on everything (not like I was going to talk to him anyway) I just wanted to tell him it's over and to never use the "L" word if he doesn't mean it as it can hurt people. He won't even give me five minutes to tell him this!
I think I'm gonna stay a few months, see how I feel about the situation then but I think I'm going to leave my job and find something new. For some reason this has hurt me deeply as it was so intense and I feel like I can't recover from it. I know that I was naive and stupid now, I feel like a complete idiot for falling for it :-(
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (29 July 2017):
 Sweetheart, you haven't really lost anything. He was never yours to lose. He is a silver-tongued liar and a cheat. Talk is cheap. I always tell people to listen with one ear to what people say but watch with both eyes what they actually DO. He CAN leave his partner but CHOOSES not to because YOU do not mean enough to him for him to choose YOU. When you get upset about him, remember he chose HER. His reasons/excuses are irrelevant. If he truly loved you, he would have chosen YOU.
This is a reminder that you should never mix business with pleasure. Keep dating and work separate in future. Then, if things go wrong, you can go to work to escape the hurt. As it is, work just reminds you of the hurt. Learn your lesson and don't date colleagues in future.
This man's partner cannot contact you if you block her. If she turns up in person, then you need to tell her you will speak to the police about her behaviour. Regardless of the reason for her doing it (and I can fully understand how angry/hurt she must be), she has no right to continue harassing you if you have cut contact with her partner. Have you apologised to her? Perhaps that is all she needs?
The knickers in the car are irrelevant. It doesn't matter if they are a plant or your ex is knocking around with other women (why would you be surprised if he was?). He is part of your past. Learn your lesson and move on.
At work, hold your head high and act with dignity. Be polite, be professional, but don't be on your own with him. You never know if his partner is watching or having him followed or watched by a colleague. It was not your fault you fell for someone who was not free (although, if you work with him, perhaps a few discrete investigations may have been wise?). However, going forward, it WILL be your fault if, knowing he is in a relationship, you carry on seeing him.
Life sends us people to teach us lessons. Learn your lessons and move on, leaving him to his poor partner, who you have to feel sorry for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): Hi Wiseowl, thanks for your answer . I go through phases where I am fine, and I have my mature head on and when I think about him I instantly think about his partner. But then other days I am immature and act like a silly kid. I can't seem to get him off my head and I keep dreaming about him. I feel like a fool for falling for him and opening my heart up to him. It's a mistake I will never make again with someone. I told him at the beginning not to hurt me because I don't let people in easily. I must have just been a game to him , it just seemed real to me.I guess I'm lucky we didn't have sex. At least I can still have some dignity left :(. I am going to avoid him, just act professional and get on with it. And avoid social events. His partner will forever moniter him and make him pay , so I guess he will get his karma Thanks again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): Assuming he's an ex for sure from here on out, I suggest you handle it as professionally as possible. Be polite, but short, focus on work etc. He's probably worried about it coming between work responsibilities and not sure what to do either if he cares about his job at all. Just focus on doing a good job at work and if he flirts around or becomes an A-hole then you're seeing him for who he actually is, a loser and player, the feelings will die down on their own after that and you'll be glad you focused on yourself and your work rather then getting all mixed up in his hectic lifestyle. Just carry yourself like a professional and a lady.. his loss while he goes home to upset gf every day, you're a strong woman who simply don't do drama. If he tries to bring it up or talk to you just wish him the best and tell him your intentions to focus on work. If it gets out of hand talk to a trusted leader to see if a three-way meeting can be set up. Often they can do this without firing anyone or writing anyone up, just sit everyone down and make them agree to focus on work at work. Hopefully it don't get that bad. Good luck
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A
male
reader, judgedick +, writes (29 July 2017):
 Bonjour, First of all, you don't need to take that type harassment from this other woman, She is often calling you harassing even though you have cut off seeing this man,You did nothing wrong only fell in love with a man that told you he was single, So if she continues to make these phone calls to you I would go to the gendarmerie nationale, you will have to fill out a report, they will be able to see that she makes calls to you and they will tell her to stop, she will get a warning and if that is not enough to stop her you make a second complaint they will press charges,The world is full of all types of men, some are loyal and some are not, This man might be a seducer, The type that can tell you he loves you and make you believe it while looking into your eyes and once your back is turned he can say the same to the next girl with the same conviction, Another type man that can do this is the wife beater, he can beat his wife and the next day can go down on one knee claiming his love for her,try not think into why he said these nice things to you while he had another wife at home, he is just a selfish man that wanted the cherry on the cake,But I think this is the first time his partner/wife has found evidence of his unloyalty and she made up the story of finding the knickers in the car to see what you would say, You can imagine her world has turned up side down and he is telling her that he did not have sex with you, she does not believe him and made up this story to find out for herselfThis man thinks he can keep his head down now for a bit and later juggle two women at the same time, he wants you as his mistress, there is no such thing as he can't leave his wife if he wanted to he can, Next week you see him at work, you tell him clearly that you are finished with him for ever, that if it is not work related you don't want to even talk to him, Act civil and tell him you don't want him or his wife to ever harass you ever again,don't let him intimidate you at work hold you head up high be as civil as you can, be the lady that you are, the next week will be hard for you and important that you show him that it is over with you, Bon courage
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2017): You're a mature-woman who should pretty much know why people are the way they are. You're not that naive.
You've learned a very valuable lesson. Don't use your workplace as your dating-pool. There is always the possibility romantic-connections could go sour; and it's better when you don't have to see someone you ditched, or who ditched you, 40 hours a week. The very place you earn your food and bill money!!!
Now don't take this for being harsh. It's tough-love. I shoot from the hip. It's to un-tap that inner-strength that we all keep in reserve; that you've forgotten you have. You can only access it when you activate your maturity; and use your sense of logic. Your heart made a boo-boo, now listen to your common-sense. It will help clean up your mess.
I repeat myself frequently on DC; because I have to often respond to women about the same problems.
"Don't fall for the L-word!!!" It is used to loosen you up, to play you, and to keep you confused. Players all know that women want to be told they're loved. Even the smartest will fall for it, when they really like the guy. It has to be demonstrated first. Then the words will be backed-up by his actions. You should also know better than falling hard. Feelings should not be attached before you "know a guy very well." You were in la-la land. In-love with being in-love, like a love-struck teenage girl.
Know who you're falling for, and why. You have to see him through all his psychological and emotional phases. Sadness, anger, happiness, grief; and evaluate him according to his values and character. Just tossing everything aside; because you like him is desperate and needy. Not to mention, reckless! Then you fall and bump your head, but your heart hurts!
Hold your head-up. Maintain your dignity and poise in spite of all that has happened. Put on your professional-face at all times. Fake it, sister! Until it comes natural. It will all pass. Now you know just what kind of snake he is.
Most of all. Grow-up! You're no longer a schoolgirl, you're a full-grown intelligent woman. Don't fall to pieces and melt, because some guy says he loves you. Don't place all the blame on him for being a jerk; when you allowed yourself to be so gullible. We all make mistakes of the heart. So don't beat yourself up. That's how we learn. It can happen again, but you'll be better prepared.
Rest assured, he's got hell to pay at home. His karma is going to bite him in the ass. Hard!!! Don't gloat over anyone's misfortune, but his scorned-wife is no dummy. He's done it to her before. She's just looking for someone to lash-out at. Sorry, but you were the closest target!
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