A
female
age
,
*issis C
writes:I am 70 and have been a widow for 8 years, a married man has been very kind, but recently bought me a rose plant, took me to lunch, and a couple of other visits. He is ok as a friend, the places we have visited are not of interest to his wife, but an interest he and I share. Now I am feeling anxious, and don't want to get caught up in something. I feel now that I owe him for the lunch and the present (not asked for). How do I behave, I find it hard to lie and say I'm too busy to go to xyz. Even if he wasn't married I wouldn't want a relationship with him. Nothing untoward has been said, but I am feeling uncomfortable. How can I cool this and not offend him?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Really you don't need to make excuses though! If you want to potter in your garden alone then tell him thanks but no thanks you are enjoying your own company.
A
female
reader, Missis C +, writes (3 April 2017):
Missis C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you aunt honesty for your answer, it is simple, i know. I think he may feel sorry for me, and he is trying to be a good friend. This Saturday he invited me to his house to have coffee with him and his wife. I have been before, but this time I did have my family visiting so I had a good excuse. I just need to manufacture meetings with my other friends, but I have a lazy streak, and would rather stay at home and potter in the garden etc. I have to be careful about using my garden as an excuse, as he wants to come and help me with the garden.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (3 April 2017):
If you keep on making excuses he will hopefully take the hint. If he makes you feel uncomfortable then just be polite and tell him know each time he offers to take you somewhere. He should then take the hint.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 March 2017):
 OP, good for you!
And remember you really DO NOT owe him an explanation for living your life. Or even for canceling a ride.
You can do it, he'll hopefully catch on and back off.
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A
female
reader, Missis C +, writes (24 March 2017):
Missis C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie, you have given me a bit of resolve. Initially I sort of agreed he could pick me up for an exhibition that we had both been invited to, but after chewing it over for a couple of days, I plucked up courage and rang him to say that I would make my own way there, there was a bit of silence from him as though asking me why, so I told him I was going to pop in to see my sister who lives nearby. I am so silly, I had actually arranged it with my sister first, so that I wouldn't be telling lies. Wednesdays are going to be my busy day, and I really might have to find something to do on a Monday. Don't know when I am going to get my housework done! :-D Really I feel I should explain to him about the problem, but that might be a bit too awkward for us both.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2017):
Not wanting to talk someone isn't being mean OP :) And he IS a grown man, he can handle it.
Neither is saying No, thanks to gifts or someone wanting to pay for you. IT IS OK to say, it's kind of you to want to pay, but I can take care of myself. He might also BE old fashioned thinking a man should ALWAYS pay. Doesn't mean that you HAVE to accept that gesture.
I know it's hard to do things the feels it goes against how you were raised. I was also raised to be polite and avoid confrontations, but I learned that saying NO or No, thanks is not really a confrontation it's just me standing up for me. You can do it. And saying no/no thanks is NOT being mean either or rude. It's just declining an offer. Picture him selling hoovers door to door and you don't want a new one... Saying no would not be so hard then, would it?
I see with him being a part of the same group as you it can be hard to avoid him, but maybe not hard to avoid being ALONE with him?
You can do it. You shouldn't have this hanging over you. You should be able to enjoy your art groups and your life. If that means you starting to say no/no thanks - so be it.!
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A
female
reader, Missis C +, writes (22 March 2017):
Missis C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh Honeypie, this is part of the problem. We both belong to the same group, and I organise the trips. He has been very kind in suggesting places, and taking me out to have a look at them. It has been very helpful, but one day we were out and he asked me if I needed to get back quickly, I stupidly said 'no' so he pulled into a hotel and bought me lunch, and he paid. I would have rather paid for my own meal, but at least I paid a generous tip, but this was when alarm bells started ringing in my head. On another day, he brought me this climber rose. It worries me. I belong to several art groups, but have been a bit lazy about the Wednesday one, because it starts early, making it difficult as I have to walk my dog first. I must make my Wednesday art group, which he doesn't belong to, my priority. Wednesday pm is his favoured day for going out. He normally rings me on the Tuesday lunchtime or evening, to arrange a Wednesday outing, so I shouldn't answer him. But this makes me feel mean. What just is the matter with me? Why can't I allow myself to be mean?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2017):
OP, have you thought of looking into a local group? One that little trips with people who enjoys art like you? It doesn't HAVE to be a senior group but you might find some kindred spirits you DO want to go sketching with, who makes YOU feel comfortable.
I DO think we all have a "gut instinct" for a reason. And that we SHOULD listen to it.
He might not be a "bad" man or have "bad" intentions but he MAKES you feel uncomfortable. So trust that and find a way to let go of this "friendship" that you don't seem to want or need. While I get that you don't want him to FEEL offended, YOU should be your OWN first priority. So if he gets offended.. well, not really your problem.
You do you!
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A
female
reader, Missis C +, writes (22 March 2017):
Missis C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Honeypie and Youcannotbeserious. You are both 5 stars, I take your advice and must stiffen my resolve, and not get myself sucked into a situation that I don't want. I have this feeling of danger for a reason, it is there to protect me.
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A
female
reader, Missis C +, writes (22 March 2017):
Missis C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe and I are artists, his wife is not an artist, I am certain that she wouldn't like to go out sketching or looking at exhibitions. My late husband would have been very bored going out sketching with me, I might have been able to drag him to an exhibition once in a while, but his love was tennis, chess or cleaning his car. I do know that I have GOT to say "no" to this man, otherwise I can be accused of leading him on, but it is feels so difficult for me. Goes against my whole fibre, making me feel sick and fearful, and giving him the impression that i am rude, ungrateful. He has never suggested anything untoward. Women were brought up to be compliant, so I feel such a great conflict within me. I would much prefer to go out with any of my female friends, but they are never keen, or actually don't like sketching outside or else have poorly legs etc. I do feel as though I am being groomed though, I certainly know that I don't have any romantic feelings for him, so know I must boost my courage, and act in my own interests and not just think of being kind and polite.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (22 March 2017):
I'm not sure why you feel you owe him anything, just because he took you out to lunch or bought you a rose bush. It sounds like the sort of thing friends would do for each other.
Although you say nothing untoward has happened, you obviously feel uncomfortable with the situation and feel his agenda may be different to yours.
I would suggest, next time he suggests an outing, saying something along the lines of "You have been so kind but I really can't keep putting on you and taking up your valuable time. You have your own things to do."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2017):
How can you cool it and not offend?
First off, you have a RIGHT to say no or no, thanks when offered something. Especially if it makes you feel indebted.
Second of all, SUGGEST that his wife comes along next time he suggests anything or suggest he TAKES his wife instead. IT will nip ANY intentions in the bud.
It's OK for you to say no thanks to doing XYZ with him. YOU do not owe him a reason as to WHY you say no thanks. Just simply say:" No thanks I'm not interested in doing/seeing XYZ".
The more CLEAR you are about your own intentions the easier it will be to let this friendship or whatever it is run out in the sand.
Taking you out to lunch doesn't mean you now OWE him SQUAT, dear OP. HE CHOSE to take you out. He can't claim that NOW you owe him attention or to spend more time. Remember that.
If you are not good with being confrontational and don't want to tell him that you really rather he leave you alone - I suggest you just become SUPER unavailable.
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