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How can I convince her to wait until I'm ready for marriage and children?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 December 2014) 36 Answers - (Newest, 31 December 2014)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi aunts and uncles. I'm looking for some impartial advice and my girlfriend uses this site a lot so thought I'd give it a try.

We have been together for 5 years, I am 27 and she is 29, and recently she has been putting a lot of pressure on me to commit to marriage and children. I'm not ready for any of those things and I've explained to her that I want those things one day but not any time soon.

She won't let it go and keeps asking for a rough timeline, but I honestly don't know. I said maybe when I'm around 32, but then she started asking what I am waiting for and said she's not willing to wait that long. She told me tonight she wants these things in the next couple of years max, and if I won't give her that then she's going to find someone else who will! She's also mentioning her biological clock a lot but I know lots of people in their mid to late thirties who are having children so she'll still have time.

I love her and don't want us to break up, but she's pushing for answers to questions I can't answer and it seems I have to fit with her timescale or she'll walk. I feel I'm being blackmailed into doing exactly what she wants or I'll lose her. How can I convince her I'm just not ready?

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A female reader, Midnight Shadow United Kingdom +, writes (31 December 2014):

Midnight Shadow agony auntI, personally, think the order should be moving in together (not buying a place together yet), maybe after a year or so of reality hitting, getting married (even if it's just for legal security because you love each other immensely but marriage was never majorly meaningful to either of you), six months or so after marriage, looking for and buying/renting your own place together, and lastly having children after nine months or so of settling in.

Obviously, that's only my opinion and it's not going to appeal to everybody, but I think that sort of plan makes the most sense.

Since she is 29, she does have quite a bit to worry about. When my cousin was born 12 years ago, my aunt was given tests because she was 36 and tgey worried a little about the health of the baby. You have to be in the right position to support a family but, if you want more than one child, you really want to start trying in your early 30s (as a woman). Your girlfriend is nearly at that age, which is why she wants to know if you'll commit.

Are you really not ready for marriage? Or are you not ready for marriage with her? If you showed her that you want to marry her but would like to live together for 6 months or so before getting engaged, just to make sure everything is still great (maybe throw in something about saving up?), then I think shed feel more commitment coming from you.

The problem here is that you're either too incompatible to be together any more, or you won't give her the commitment she wants for now: marriage.

I hope you can figure this out for the best; don't compromise if you don't feel ready; but you'll have to let her find someone who loves her enough and is ready enough that they will commit to her within the next couple of years.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (30 December 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntYou've been together for 5 years and you are still unsure if you are compatible?

Definitely end it. If you don't know by now, you aren't.

Let her go.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (29 December 2014):

How did the conversation turn out, OP?

As for her, demanding to know your timetable on marriage and kids as a requisite for moving in seems a little extreme. That information is useless anyway if you turn out not be compatible. It's usually when you find you're compatible that stuff like that comes up.

Wish you the best OP. And despite everything we've said, if you're not feeling marriage or children, don't do it. Just don't keep her dangling.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014):

I know it's ridiculous that we don't live together yet! I did ask her to move in once before but she said she wouldn't move in because I didn't have answers to when we would get married and have kids. But I can't tell her that until I know we are compatible. So it's been a bit of a catch 22 situation. I'm hopeful that our chat tomorrow will convince her to give it a try.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014):

I was with my ex for 8 years, pretty much exact same situation. He couldn't make his mind up, someday but I'm not ready... Someday but I'm not ready... Blablabla. It crushed me, broke my heart and I started to resent him, be passive aggressive. It was even morning after pills and talk of abortion ifthere was a scare.

So, when he was 32, and I was 28 - I walked away. He proposed to me that day but yes, the damage was done. Wasn't good enough for him while we were together... I'm still angry at him for being such a coward.

I'm nearly 31 now and I love my current boyfriend! I know he will propose when ready and wirhout having to wait forevery, and we are going start trying for baby within the year. He's in no rush at all, but he respects me.

My ex is alone and miserable. And I feel sorry for him which is horrible thing to feel for anyone, he has a lot of anger and hate.

Just an insight into what happens after five years when you have your problem!

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (27 December 2014):

Okay wow I did not see that coming. Having not lived together definitely complicates the situation, because like Honeypie said, living together is when you find out if you're really compatible. If I may ask, why haven't you two moved in together yet? The answer to that question would clear up a lot about the relationship.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014):

Thanks Honeypie. I know you are right and I feel bad for saying it, but she had just told me if I wasn't ready to commit by now then she'd have no choice but to find someone else who is. I think it's out of line to talk like that as it's manipulative so I snapped. And I don't see how I'm an ass for wanting to see if we get on living together first. Surely it would be worse to break an engagement or marriage because we couldn't live together?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntYou have been together for 5 years and NEVER lived together? I have to say for me living together is the "litmus test" to see if two people really WORK as a couple.

But not all people think like that.

It sounds like the two of you are on different pages and different books entirely.

She FEELS that 5 YEARS (which is a LONG time) is enough proof that you two work well together. That YOU two will make a great couple and parents. SHE can SEE you as her kids dad. My bet is, she has know this for a long time ,waiting for YOU to feel the same. YOU on the other hand have been HAPPY with the status quo.

If you can't see yourself married and with kids with her in the next 2-3 years, end it.

Turning things on her, with the whole, well go find a guy who is ready, was a low blow. I feel it was a knee jerk reaction to being PUT on the spot, still not a nice move.

ASK yourself WHY do you think you are not ready. What exactly are you waiting for?

And if the answer is, I just don't WANT that now, END it.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (26 December 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYou write: "...it's just that I think we need to move in and see how we get on before we take the next step...."

What an ASS!!! After 5 years, YOU want to give her yet ANOTHER of YOUR tests to see if SHE can meet YOUR expectations?????

If she were my sister, I'd offer to come over and beat you on the head and shoulders, and say to you: "Don't bug my Sister any more,.... because she's figured out that YOU,

Sir, are a jerk, and she doesn't want to see you again, spend any time with you, again.... or even know that you exist in this Universe...."

Good luck....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014):

Thanks everyone. I spoke to her again and told her that I think the fact we don't even live together yet is one of the reasons why I'm not ready to get married. She doesn't believe moving in together is a true commitment and she turned me down before for that reason, but seems to be warning to discussing this with me and we are going to meet tomorrow to see if I can convince her to give it a try. As I've explained to her, it's not that I don't want marriage and children, it's just that I think we need to move in and see how we get on before we take the next step. Thanks again for all your help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014):

I'm in my 20s and my parents are now going through a divorce after decades of being miserable together. All because my father didn't feel ready when I came along. He resents my mother and treats her awfully. I despise him.

OP. Forget what she wants for a second.

What do you want? In what order? When? Why? What would you regret not doing for life? Answer these questions, honestly , to yourself. Then explain to her what you really want. Maybe your future plans converge. Great! Maybe not, in which case let her go.

Everyone is right that she's speaking like a sensible lady with a good head on her shoulders. I have no doubt she would make a great wife for a lucky man.

Honestly in her shoes I would actually break up with you today. Right know for the following reasons.

1. After 5 years, you've seen the best and worst of her. There are no tricks left up her sleeve that will suddenly compel you to put a ring on it. If you are not ready by now, will you ever be ready?

2. Your response to her communicating her needs is to tell her to find another man. OP, there's no room for this kind of language in a relationship. I hope you apologised and learned from it.

3. It took 23 strangers to convince of something your best friend has been trying to make you see. You didn't listen to the love of your life but you listen to us when it's her you love. Ask yourself why you don't hold her opinion or needs in high esteem.

4. You've gone from 5 years to offering 3 years. But why? Both are equally random. You are still dragging your feet. Why?

I had a similar discussion with my then boyfriend, now fiancé. I told him what I would like and asked him what he would like too. He had no clue. He said more or less what you said. I said I understood that he needed more time to reflect about he wanted. I then let him know that if after x amount of time he felt the same then we'd have to go our separate ways since we're obviously not on the same page. A couple of months later he proposed.

Today he's a very happy man :-) In real terms nothing has changed about our relationship. He just had this fear that he'd lose freedom or become boring or miss out on opportunities or something. When he actually sat down and thought it through, the trap he imagined marriage to be was all in his head.

Good luck OP. Listen to your heart.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (26 December 2014):

OP, you have to ask yourself: what do you expect to happen in those 3 years? How is that time going to make you feel more ready for commitment if the past 5 years couldn't do that? What exactly are you waiting for? You have to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with her too. She deserves that much.

Look, the reason why she's behaving this way is because you can't offer her clarity. You say 5 years. Then you say she'd better find some other guy. Then you backpedal and say 3 years. That's not really assuring. She needs to know if you're prepared for full commitment, because if you're not, then sorry to say it, but then she's just wasting time with you.

You have to start doing some serious thinking about what you want your future to look like. What would a concrete, specific 5 year future timeline look like? No vague stuff like "oh well, maybe some day". Specificity. And be realistic. Once you figure out your dreams and wishes for the future, you can look at hers and see if you two can make it work so you're both happy. If you're not compatible, you should let her know.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (25 December 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYou and she have been an item for FIVE YEARS??? ... and you're still playing that "...I'm not sure when I'll be ready for marriage.." guy line????

Count your lucky stars that she's waited this long.... and count those stars again if she doesn't dump your sorry, non-committal, non-adult bottom in the very near future...

Note to the lady (since she's likely to see this, according to submitter): Decide for yourself if you even want to continue another WEEK with Mr "I'll let you know if I ever decide to get married". Then, put the ultimatum on him.... Say, "Hunchy Bunchy... this isn't about my "biological clock" at all.... it's about YOUR having ME available for all the pleasantries of being married.... but YOU not having to MAKE THE REQUISITE COMMITTMENT. Soooo, H-B, you have 5 days to agree that we are going to get married - real soon - or I am taking my lady parts and moving on."

You may recall that many of us Aunts and Uncles are reluctant to suggest ultimatums.... since the issuer may not want to endure the consequeces if the ultimatum is not met. In your case,.... YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE (if he "calls" the untimatum) DO YOU?????

Good luck....

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom +, writes (25 December 2014):

'I had a think about it today and decided to offer her everything she has asked for and she's still not sure.'

'You're totally right, that's why I didn't tell her I would have a baby now I said I'd have one in 3 years as a compromise.'

Although compromise is good, you are still not offering her everything she wants. You have reduced your timescale, but you are still asking her to wait another 3 years for you which is probably more favourable to her, but still not ideal. OP I think you need to ask yourself what you are waiting for (more in terms of marriage than kids as they are a bigger commitment). I would be incredibly hurt if someone I'd been with for that length of time couldn't tell me that they had definitive plans for our future and felt so pressured by the suggestion of it.

I'm not saying that you are wrong nor should you do anything you really don't want to do, but I think you are going to have to find some way to prove to her that you do really want to commit. Because your first reaction of 'no way not any time soon' is probably stuck in her mind and she's struggling to see how you can have changed it so quickly. If you can prove to her that you really want this and are not doing this only because you feel forced, then I think you can work this out. That is, of course, provided that is the case?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2014):

If I was waiting for my husband to be emotionally ready to have kids we would never have our daughter. Some men assume a position of being forever teenager and wait for them to be emotionally ready for a child is a total waste of time.

My husband (not boyfriend) gave me a million reasons why we should wait : I am too young, he is too young, we still need to travel, we don't have perfect jobs, he wants to move to a different state, we have no help , because there will be no grandparents around and so on.

I MADE him make me a baby. I said either a child or I am looking for a different husband.

Then when our daughter was born, he was head over hills with her. He was an excellent father and still is. There was never a no for his baby. We ended up having only one to my regret. But there were all kind of struggles through our life, it was our mutual desision.

While you are not a dry wasteland at 31, but at 35 you have a very good chance to become one sadly. And this is what the op's situation with his girlfriend is leading to. Ask any gynecologist, any will tell you: have your first child before 35. While plenty of women have children after 35 and at 40, there are plenty who don't. Birth defects are much more possible after 35, and this is what is not fare to a child.

It's not fair to a woman to make her wait forever. If a man not ready, and speaks about another 5 years of waiting, if it was me I would just let him go. I totally agree with the fact that men usually are older in a relationship for a reason: they are not the ones loosing their fertility, and usually they are the ones who want longer play time.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2014):

Thanks Celtic Tiger. You're totally right, that's why I didn't tell her I would have a baby now I said I'd have one in 3 years as a compromise. She just kept saying she doesn't know if the damage has been done and she's hurt that I can't offer her any more commitment after such a long time.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (25 December 2014):

celtic_tiger agony auntJust wanted to add, as I saw you are 27 and she is 29

This is one of the pitfalls of dating an older woman (even by only a few years).

Traditionally, men have usually (totally stereotyping here, so don't yell at me!) been the older party in romantic, sexual and married relationships. There are probably good reasons for this.

One being the child bearing and fertile years.

Another being emotional maturity - women mature at a younger age than men.

It could be that you would be better off dating someone younger than you, who has the time to wait for you to become ready to be a husband and a parent, at the same time as her.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (25 December 2014):

celtic_tiger agony auntOP, I think everyone here is focussing on the fact that SHE wants kids, biological clock etc, your timescale.

But no one has mentioned the CHILD in all this.

IF you two were to get married and have a child NOW, something you were not ready for, and who potentially you resented, who would lose out? The Child.

It is not fair to bring a new person into the world if it is not 100% wanted by both parents. My Mum (who is a teacher) has taught so many children, with parents who really didn't want them, don't have time for them, or are not mature enough to cope with being a parent. And it is always the child who suffers.

I do not believe that anyone should be forced, co-erced, or emotionally bullied into it. It is a massive decision, and involves TWO people who both have to be on the same page, emotionally, physically and financially.

Money plays and important part. Can you afford a baby? Do you have a house? Would she get maternity leave?

If you are not ready, then that is totally ok.

If she wants one NOW - that is totally ok too.

It just means that you are not compatible as a couple.

Either one of you has to compromise, you give in, have a baby now and resent her/it - she gives in you wait 5 years and then she resents you/things are difficult(or not) - or you both compromise, wait 2 years, get married and see what happens?

Or you go your separate ways.

Personally, if I was in your shoes and a BF was emotionally blackmailing me to have a baby, I wouldn't be happy. It should be a joint decision, brought about by a mutual love. Not demands or ultimatums.

As a side note - there are plenty of women who are early 30s still waiting to have kids, for many reasons.

I am 31, single, no children. I have friends who are my age, married, no kids yet. Her eggs are not going to dry up overnight. Some women struggle to conceive at any age, and yes, aging doesn't help the process, but it doesn't mean we all turn into barren wastelands as soon as we hit 31.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (24 December 2014):

Thanks again for the follow up!

Well, I think she's just very surprised. I mean, a short while ago you basically told her to find another guy to have kids with and now you're doing a total 180 and offering yourself up on a silver plate. I'd be wary too. You have to really want this. You have to be 100% here for this. I think that's what she's afraid of: that you're giving in because she wants you to, but not because you want this as well. Be happy that she isn't immediately popping the champagne so to speak, because she's probably concerned that she's steamrolled you into this.

Now, if your offer is genuinely the result of you sitting down and doing some serious thinking and finding out that she's it for you and that she's the one you want to marry and have a family with, then I'd have a serious face-to-face conversation with her in which you explain how you got to this decision. She wants the marriage and kids, but she only wants it if you want it as well. That's how it would be for me, so that's how I'm interpreting her behavior.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

Thanks everyone. I had a think about it today and decided to offer her everything she has asked for and she's still not sure. She said she doesn't believe I could have changed my mind so easily and she doesn't want to commit to someone who doesn't really want it. What does she want from me?!

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (24 December 2014):

Thanks for the follow up OP. Well, I gotta say that was a bad way of handling things, on the phone, no less. Look, for her it's not just about marriage and raising kids. I mean, being a woman, I'd only want to do that with the person I love. So it is very much about you.

You however, don't really seem to have given the future much thought. And as a man, it's easy to lean back and take your time, because it's not like you're the one who has to get pregnant and carry the kid to full term. But women can't just sit around until they hit forty and then just get a healthy kid. Sure, some can, but for a lot this is not how it works.

To be honest, physically and fertilitywise, the ideal age for a woman to get a kid is probably around 26. So you can't really blame her for wanting some certainty. Marriage and having a family are one of her priorities and she needs to know if you're up for that. And if you're being wishy washy about it and telling her to wait until you're 32 (which would put her at 35, which is going to be a risky age to try and have kids) there's a good chance that by then you won't be 'ready' either and then she's lost her chance at what she wants most while you can just basically find yourself a younger model to have kids with.

Look, I get that having kids is daunting. I don't think anyone is ever truly ready for them. Your life as you know it is over when you have kids. On the other hand, you get a lot of happiness in return. Decide for yourself if you ever see yourself having them and then be honest with her. Like I said, you have all the time in the world, but she doesn't. It wasn't handy of her to just BAM bring it up, but she is nearing 30 so it's logical her biological clock would start ticking at one point

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A female reader, deirdre Ireland +, writes (24 December 2014):

I think this is the same person asking the question that Peppe has mentioned. Anyway 5 years is long enough to know what he/she wants, it is time to set a timeframe (a shorter one than another 5 years) or else move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

Of course you don't have to go along if you are not ready, but how sure are you that you will be ready at 32?

I actually remember your girlfriend's question very well a while ago.

If you are not sure now what is the guarantee that you will be at 32? When you are 32, she is 34. Bu the time you guys get married and she gets pregnant it's past 35. At 35 fertility slows down. I personally know few women who waited and waited and then marrying at 35 could never have any children. Then men left them because they started wanting children and married much younger women and had families with them.

You don't HAVE to go along, but she also doesn't have to wait for you to be ready.

Also if you see it from her point of view: I live with a guy for 5 years, we know each other so well now, I know he is the one, I know I want to have his children and be his wife but he is not sure, because heis not ready.

She is probably wondering WHY you are not ready. What else you want to do before you get married? What is that that you can't do with her? Are you planning to have more crazy wild sexual experiences? If yes, then don't marry her. Hopefully it's not the case, then what is stopping you? I think she has all these questions in her mind, and honestly they are very legitimate.

Though yes children is a lot of work, but it's also very rewarding. Ask anyone men or women if they ever regretted having kids, and none will say yes.

I don't think she is blackmailing you. She is honestly telling you how she feels and she WILL walk away if she doesn't get what she wants, rightfully so.

But of course you don't have to go along if you are not ready.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

SoVeryConfused I think we might have broken up already. We had a fight last night where I told her if she wanted to have babies with someone else then she should go and find him and I hung up on her. Bad I know, but it just seems like she is more worried about the marriage and children than being with me. I really don't want to split up with her, but at the same time I can't deal with this amount of pressure either. It's all come out of nowhere.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (24 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI'm so sorry. After the holidays I think it's best that you two go your separate ways.

She wants to get married and make babies and after 5 years if you are not ready, then you are not ready and that's ok.

It's her choice to leave you if you are not ready and to be honest I DON'T BLAME HER.

My son and his fiancee are getting married next year and she just turned 27 and she is also having that biological clock explosion. Personally I think having babies at a younger age is better for the mom it's easier for energy and recovery and even getting pregnant.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

I feel your predicament, difference is i just did it. Minus the marriage, but we are engaged, and i really don't see us getting married or lasting forever either for my own reasons. I knew back then it was a bad idea and i know it now, i love my kids and wouldn't change a thing for their sake. Ramble ramble

To the point, i was told kids or were done and ended up in an abusive relationship. If you don't feel you can commit by now maybe it just isn't meant to be, do you see yourself spending your life with her? Whats holding you back, think about this as well. The longer you wait for kids, the older you are when they are teenagers. Im younger than you by a few years with a 3 yr old and a 6mo infant, and i have a hard time with energy levels. Imagine doing teenagers when your 50-60. So she has a point, but don't just do it in fear of her either, better to find out your lives dont quite meet eye to eye now then 10-20 years from now.

If your not ready, your not ready

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A female reader, SeaGreen Canada +, writes (24 December 2014):

SeaGreen agony auntI don't blame your girlfriend at all for wanting an answer to her timeline. Having children close to 40 is generally a bad idea due to the risks involved having children that old and trying to take care of them is harder because the body no longer has the advantage of being young.

If you really aren't ready it's only fair to end things. She doesn't have all the time in the world like you and 5 years is a lot to dedicate it to someone who doesn't want to get serious or have a family.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (24 December 2014):

chigirl agony auntYou dont have to convince anyone you are not ready, it is evident. But you got to realize that your and her timephrame is different. Shes got one. You dont. This means you are incompatible. If it was a matter of you and her having different timelines, you could negotiate on what time to do things. But youve got to timeline at all. If you ask her to wait, then ypu are asking the same of her, as when she asks you for answers right now. Not all people want, or can, wait until they approach 40 with having children. Especially not if you want more than one kid. Or if you want to live to see any grandchildren. Its a personal choice, and she has her right to not want to wait for you, same as you have a right not to have children if you are not ready.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

At 29 I will be thinking about children, wait too long and you risk not being able to have any, the risk of birth complications increases or you could have to go through really tough times with IVF etc... So while you so complacently think "she'll have time" you actually have no idea, neither does she, so it's quite selfish to think she'll be fine waiting and if you have no intention of having a family with her then let her go now.

She has spent 5 years with you and deserves to know that you actually want a future with her. Why 32?! That's such a random age to pick out of your head that you will be ready for children, if you know you want them one day then you should be happy for it to happen. What difference does it make to you whether you have a child next year or in 4 years, when the woman you love actually needs to start thinking about it now because she is a few years older and she could lose her fertility. Can you not try and see it from her view, and that potentially staying with you without any commitment could reduce her chances of being a mum.

You have to have a serious think about where your relationship is heading and whether you can commit to having a child with her, or in fact you don't want her to be the mother of your children so you let her go. Because she can't allow too many more years to pass before conceiving could become difficult.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

Heyy there, sorry to be so blunt. Five years is a very long time for her to wait before bringing this issue up to you.... If that was me I would be really hurt that after such a long time you still had no idea what time you want to take the next step, and that after investing so much of my life to someone, I would have to wait another 5 years for them to commit... that's ten years! Also what you said about her biological clock is completely untrue, a good friend of mine is only 32 and can no longer have children.... They have been trying for about 2 years now.

I think most women in your girlfriends situation would feel the same, I know I would. I've been with my boyfriend just over 4 years and we are buyong a house... we want to have children when we are about 26/27. What if she wait med another 5 years and couldn't have children? What if she waited another 3 years but then you guys broke up... by the time she finds a long term relationship with another man she loves she may no longer be fertile, or at the very least would have to rush things. You are asking her to take a massive risk here for your own selfish reasons, when really I think you should have told her this many years ago.

sorry to say but I think she is better off without you.... and maybe you would be happier single? As you don't sound ready to commit

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

So I just have to go along with her timescales even though I'm not ready? It can't just be all one sided. I've been with her for 5 years so obviously I love her and am committed to her but I'm not ready to be a Dad. A baby is a big deal and isn't something you can just hand back.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

Honestly, how do you define marriage?

A lot of people tend to define marriage as 'the end of an era', yet it's not true if you have a real connection with your partner, ESPECIALLY when you've been together for so long.

I know a lot of people who have got married a lot younger than you, who waited many years after marriage for kids, settling in one area, etc. I honestly think it's normal for a woman to want stability and for her guy to show her he's not going to just change his mind 5 years down the line.

So you honestly need to discuss with her, what is marriage? Does it mean the second the ink is dry buying a house in a nice neighbourhood, having kids, settling down? Or does it mean furthering your commitment to one another?

Perhaps I'm wrong, I just suspect you just feel smothered by the 'idea' of commitment (ie. the end of fun in any way, shape or form, forever).

I got married young, we travelled the world together, had a pretty crazy life, then decided to settle down, later had kids, so marriage was never a tie for me.

Also I have to agree that women's biological clocks are all different, with most women wanting the freedom to have more than one without time being a constraint.

Good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

I think after 5 years you should know if she's the one for you. You say you love her and don't want to lose her, so why not commit to her?

If you proposed tomorrow, you're probably looking at 12-18 months before a wedding. After that there's no guarantee that she'd fall pregnant straight after you start trying. In other words, if you started to do all the things she wanted to now, it's probably going to be her mid thirties before she has a child.

From her perspective, time is running short. If she splits from you, she's then got to find someone else and get to know them. There's a year or two to get back to where she is now.

Why won't you commit to her? It sounds like you're happy with the status quo and would rather just keep going as you are. Unfortunately that's not what she wants anymore and you need to decided if she means enough to you to go along with her plans.

You need to give this a lot of thought, rather than just 'I'm not ready' or 'I don't know'. Do you have valid reasons, like you want to go to Uni or run your own business? Do you have a timescale in mind? If you just aren't ready then you need to be honest with her and let her go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014):

You aren't ready to commit yet so it may be time to take a break. There is no way you will convince her to wait 5 more years for you to decide if you really want a life and a family with her, she would be really dumb to that imo. After 5 years you should know and it is unfair to expect her to wait 5 more years.

By 35 a womans fertility decreases a lot, there is no way to tell if she will still be able to have children by that time and it's more risky. If she really wants a family she needs to start planning it soon and it would be really horrible if she missed out on that while waiting for you to make up your mind. She may be able to have children later and many women do but there is no guarantee.

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A male reader, C.Y. Coe United States +, writes (24 December 2014):

Honestly, what ARE you waiting for?

You've been with her for five years. Is this a monogamous relationship or have you had an open one? Are you living together or just seeing each other on the weekend?

There is no reason that making the commitment should change anything. The more like a marriage you have your relationship, the easier it is to do.

It's natural to be nervous. But, if you're not going to have sex with anyone else, then you're there. The piece of paper shouldn't change a thing.

Kids are scary, but they can be fun. It's easier when they're your own kids rather than some other guy's.

She's right about her biological clock. She has until her mid 30s to early 40s, and the later she waits the more risky it is. You can go longer, but you want to be young enough to be able to keep up with them. If she really wants kids, let her know if this is your plan. If not, let her find someone else. Then, you look for someone younger if you're after kids when you're 40.

I'll be honest, I'm older. I've been married and know what it was. It's work. A lot of work. Give and take both ways. But, if you're not ready, and she is, you have a problem. One of you will resent the other for making you do this. Either she will have problems with you for not letting her have kids or you will for her making you settle down. You have to be on the same page. Now, after my wife died, I'm ready to find someone and settle down to a life. And, this means I have to go younger. A woman my age, other than already having her kids already, is too old.

Sit down and talk to her. Be honest and set your plans. If you don't want to do this in two years, let her know. But, let me say this. You may want to think on this. My time with my wife was over too soon. I worked and didn't pay attention to the time. Yeah, we got married and had a great time. But, time moves. Suddenly, I had a problem and it put me in the hospital. Then, when I recovered, she was diagnosed with cancer. They said she had years to go, but she died in six months.

If you love this girl, settle down and marry her. Do it now, before something changes and it's gone before you know it.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (24 December 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI think that after investing five years into a relationship your girlfriend deserves to know if you have long term plans with her or not.

As for your claim that she will have time to have children, unless you are a trained doctor you have nothing to base your arrogant statement on, while there are women who continue to bar children into their 40s there are just as many who cease being fertile in their 20s and 30s.

Five years is a long time to sit on the pot, either shit or get off.

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