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How can I control my feelings about my Bf masturbating, alone, when I'm not there?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 August 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 20 August 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Somebody please tell me what is wrong with me. I cannot cope with my bf masturbating when I'm not here.

I am paranoid about it. We only have sexual encounters once a week as it is.

Aside from everything else when I know he's done it I get so upset and irrational. It cannot be a normal reaction.

How can I control my feelings and just accept it being second best??

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (20 August 2016):

eddie85 agony auntI hate to break it to you: but guys masturbate -- a lot.

Even happily married guys or even sexually satisfied men, masturbate. It can help us sleep, feel relaxed or just a way to relieve some tension.

Yes, guys think about other women about masturbating. I am sure you don't always fantasize about your mate at all times either.

I think you have to come to realize that your boyfriend is human, a male and completely normal. So long as he isn't cheating on you and his masturbating doesn't diminish your sex life, then I think you are worrying about something that isn't really a problem. Even if you could "control" him, he's going to do it behind your back. So, please, for your sake and your relationship's sake, let it go...

Eddie

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016):

Masturbating is meant to be done alone and in private. It can be shared if you have that kind of intimacy and comfort around each other. I think your boyfriend prefers pleasuring himself to intercourse.

Sometimes relationships run their course. The intimacy is no longer there, but people just stay together. You can blame porn, but sometimes sex gets boring and routine.

It's no one's fault. Some people are unimaginative and repetitive. They can't think of ways to spice things up.

They get too used to each other, and the spark fizzles out.

If there's always angry tension in the air, there's no room for romance. Unless there's passion and love to heat it up.

Seems something is missing for you two.

When a relationship is full of distrust and insecurities; it's hard to connect in affectionate and physical ways. Too much complaining and criticism is a turnoff for men. It's difficult to become aroused and rise to the occasion for someone always pissed or annoyed with you.

Perhaps it's time to dump him. You're not happy.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (19 August 2016):

Caring Aunty A agony auntOnce a week maybe average for some, but I would think it boring and an unacceptable sex-life in the 26-29 age brackets.

Your BF is selfish and ignorant, probably distracted by porn for years and doesn't care to understand that his jerking off has damaged your intimacy as a couple.

Your paranoia or perhaps fear is he has ignored your needs to such a point over the years that porn is more interesting than you. Yet you let him get away with it by thinking ALL men do it – watch porn, masturbate, ignore their partners…? A decent loving respectful guy does not behave this excessive; their GF can give him a hand job and still feel desired?

What’s normal and rational is to want intimacy with your partner… yet after he’s jerked off, it’s like he’s robbed you of your fun, pleasure and betrayed a closeness… especially if he’s jerked off thinking and getting aroused by another rather than you. Thus you’re feeling like 2nd best and because of his actions it’s developed a distance between you, not closeness.

Personally it’s not about you controlling your feelings as you want what’s normal; someone who desires you and is aroused by you, over some BF who prefers to give himself a quick hand shake and neglects you.

Never accept being 2nd place/best. Be as irrational as he is as your closeness as a couple is ZILCH! Start turning this relationship around to where it should be if you intend on staying with someone who makes you 2nd. best.

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (18 August 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you want more sex then tell him that, but it is his choice if he wants to touch his body or not, you cannot control him. My guess is that it was your post about the porn as well when you are upstairs. You really need to talk to him.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (18 August 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntWhy do you feel second best to it if you're not even there?

Having sex once a week is probably fairly average, so maybe try to initiate it once more every other week and see how it goes.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 August 2016):

Honeypie agony auntACCEPT -His dick, he can do what he wants with it (and his hand) when you are not home. It's not like he is cheating on your with another person, he is SELF-PLEASING while you are not there.

Just like YOU can masturbate whenever you feel like it and he isn't around.

Now if he RATHER masturbate than have sex with you, I think it's a problem that needs to be discussed, but him jerking off while YOU are not there? I don't see what's wrong in that.

Maybe you need to figure out WHY you think it's wrong of him to do. To deal with the root of it.

Is it that he is looking at porn (and therefore other women) or is it that he self-pleasure without you?

Maybe compare it to him going to the movies alone, or a nice dinner alone. Why can't he do that without you? See it's a little irrational to get mad/upset? His LIFE don't "pause" while you are not there. He should have to sit at home with blue balls WAITING for you to engage in pleasure/ self-pleasure.

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