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How can I calm my anxiety at the thought of losing him? Plus I need a guide on dating an introvert, please?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 April 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 April 2015)
A age 22-25, * writes:

I think i need a guide for dating an introvert...

I am a very social, loving and very caring person. When in a relationship i always put the other person first, and always like to keep in contact, and do lots of thinga with them.

Yet my boyfriend of 5 months is an introvert, something i'm not quite used to, i want to make it work...but am just feeling down at the moment.

For the past 3 odd weeks my boyfriend has been off with me, quieter and blunter. Whenever i'd ask what was wrong, itd be met with complete silence. Which isnt the easiest to deal with.

Finally last night when i saw him, i was met with no words, not even a hello.

We sat tthere for 20 minutes with no speech. I was devastated as i was waiting for him to say he doesnt want to be with me anymore.

After 40 mins past, i just asked if we were OK. He said we were, but i pursued because being met with silence isnt the nicest thing. And finally...he opened up.

He said he was immensely stressed about work and moving house (i dont live with him, and wont be in the near future). He said how he feels he has not had time to hiself for a long time which is what he needs, because he works a 5 day job which is very intense, then he sees me over the weekends, and his friends in the evenings some days.

I was shocked he felt this way, i started crying so much thinking he was dumping me, and he tried to explain thats its not me.

Its just he is so stressed. I asked him continously whether we were breaking up...which he hesitated and said no. And proceeded to say im not losing him.

So i guess thats positive. I told him i feared he is only staying with me to keep me happy, i said i dont want him doing that...because my ex used me for 3 months of our relationship by staying with me to keep me happy, and used me for sex.

I told my now boyfriend im not saying he is my ex but i want to know for my own sanity.

He said he wants to be with me...

Im so scared right now, im scared im losing him and its fault.

Help, how can i calm down my anxiety over not hearing from him as much. I just dont understand how someone would rather be alone, than spend time with their friends and girlfriend.

(Not trying to sound selfish...just would like to understand)

View related questions: my ex

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A male reader, SensitiveBloke United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2015):

SensitiveBloke agony auntHe sounds like a strange person. Who would not even greet his girlfriend and then sit in silence for 20 mins?

He's obviously not ready for a relationship at the moment. He can't give you what you need. What exactly does he put into this relationship?

I think you should back off from him and this relationship as it's going nowhere.

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A female reader, LiveAnnLearn Serbia +, writes (30 April 2015):

LiveAnnLearn agony auntMy close friend is an introvert and it makes sense to me what your boyfriend said, that he just needs space and time to himself, that seems to me like a reasonable request coming from someone who is like that.

I don't know was he, as the other replies suggest, just trying to break up with you, but there's definitely a possibility that he simply needs space, and as hard as it is for us who are extroverted to understand that, it is just the way they are.

Imagining being in a relationship with someone like that, I would try to give him exactly what he wants: don't call him first, don't show emotions, don't force anything, act like one would with a scared cat lol in a way that you don't initiate stuff but you do respond encouragingly to anything he does 1st. See how that goes for a while and if he seems to be enjoying it and it's not good enough for you, then move on knowing you gave your best for it to work.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (29 April 2015):

chigirl agony auntWell, generally speaking introverts need to be alone in order to charge their batteries. But that doesn't give anyone an excuse to be a jerk, if you ask me. Not even saying hi to you? That's him being a jerk, and has nothing to do with being introvert. Introverts aren't autistic, we know manners and have social antennas just like everyone else.

That being said, he could probably take care of himself better, instead of just draining himself and not ever taking a break to rest up. This is on HIM though. He needs to make sure he gets his time off to charge his batteries, rather than take it out on you and your relationship. He needs to speak up when it's time for him to be alone.

Also, you shouldn't have to sit and wait for him. Agree on a set time when you will talk, for example you will call each other before bedtime each day. That way, if he needs a day to himself, you will still get to speak to him.

Im introvert, yet I like to see my boyfriend every day because I relax in his company. But it could just be that he doesn't know you well enough yet to totally relax around you, and so he uses a lot of energy to just be polite. I know if I am very tired I dislike going to places where I have to talk to people, because I'd just rather not talk. But there's a big difference between pulling back a bit, and completely ignore someone... 20-40 minutes without talking? Yeah, that's got nothing to do with being introvert, that's just him being weird.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2015):

I dated an introvert guy for four years. He found people "draining" and once said while we were having a lovely walk in some beautiful woods that he needed a lot of space to be on his own and found being with someone and coping with work difficult. I started crying as I couldn't see how this would work. Us at our best and he was telling me he needed space. We only saw each other at week ends!

At the time I felt like he had pulled the rug from under me. He was confused by my tears and said he just found his work stressful and talking all the time stressful.

This really is hard to deal with. I had accepted his introvert ways and not wanting to go out and limited lifestyle and here he was telling me that he needed a lot of time alone.

It sounds like he finds it difficult to express himself. I would back off and give him some space. The more you ask from him the more stressed he will get.If this relationship ends believe me you will look back and see how difficult it was being with him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2015):

I would have taken those actions and words as someone not wanting to be with me anymore and wimping out on saying it to my face, nothing really to do with being an introvert. In any case why would you want to be with someone who obviously doesn't want to spend time or talk to you? If you are going to have to deal with being alone more why not actually be alone and also be free to find someone properly interested in you?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 April 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntRemember the "Seinfeld" episode that exposed this: " he tried to explain thats its not me..."

This phrase is a fractured attempt to lighten the blow of dumping someone.....

It's time for you to move on.....

Good luck...

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (29 April 2015):

BrownWolf agony aunt

"He said how he feels he has not had time to himself for a long time which is what he needs"

What does that comment mean to you?? Does that sound like someone who wants a long term relationship??

I know it's hard for women to feel rejected, and you will do almost anything to fix that feeling...however, reality is reality.

If you wish to get hurt, then keep going after this. If not...accept it and move on.

This answer I am giving you is exactly the opposite to what you want to hear. Because you came here expecting other to say "Stick around and see where it goes." Or do this or that to make things better.

I have seen too many women try to rescue the wounded puppy, only to get bitten in the heart later.

Support a man like this who is your husband...not a man who you "hope" will like you back.

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