A
female
age
30-35,
*urting32
writes:Okay, here it goes.. I've offten wondered.. am I wrong?.. IS all of this my fault?.. Am I bringing all this on myself?..Am I just emotional?.. I keep doubting myself.. and now I wonder..am I broken?.. I've had just the worst relationship with my mom. When I was born.. she had an abusive boyfriend..and that was the main reason ..she said.. I was sent to live with my Grandma and Grandpa. Dont get me wrong.. I loved ever second I was with them.. but I always felt somewhat out of place.. kinda of a loner..because I didnt live with my mom.. I of course..like many young kids.. thought.. she didnt want me... there was something wrong with me.. you know.... all that fun stuff. I always wanted to see her.. but never felt that comfortable when I did. It was like I was trying to reach out to her.. but ..she didnt seem to try. She would come and pick me up.. take me back to her apartment for a night..she never really cuddled with me or held me like I was hers.. it was like she was uncomfortable too. My Grandma has always loved me.. been comfortable with me.. cared for me when I was sick.. and I love her so much for that.. but I love my mom.. and I want her in my life so terribly. But like I had mentioned the comfortability thing.. thats how she acted with me.. then she met a guy.. took no intrest in making sure I was included in her wedding.. it almost felt as though I was a burden.. and I was very young... she pushed me away at her wedding.. got upset when I wanted to be by her..got a house with him.. tried for a baby..and while she was pregnant.. she told me about my "real" dad..said he didnt want me..and signed off all rights to me.. and then.. i was told by my grandma she didnt even want to hold me..but yet.. she was planning to start a family.. and then my sister came..I was very jealous.. I was made to look like the bad guy..I felt just awful. Skipping forward.. through the years.. its been the same old.. I try to tell her how much it hurts me to not feel wanted by her.. to feel like I belong..cared for deeply.. loved.. as much as I love my son..more then anything.. I felt the most powerful connection.. it made me wonder.. why.. why doesnt she show me that.. but yet she tries to take credit for parties the family with through or presents she gives me.. or tries to make things look good..but at the same time.. i swear I cant do anything right.. shes constantly attacking me or putting me down.. or it feels like shes in competition with me..she was 17 when she had me.. so yes.. shes young.. and Im in my 20s..She hates the man I'm with.. says he isnt worth anything.. although.. this man.. holds me when I cry.. protects me.. supports me..listens when break..tries with me.. he has his faults.. but I do too.. and I dont condemn him..When I try to talk to her.. about all of this.. how I feel.. whats happend to me over the years.. in the life I didnt choose for me.. she did..and left there.. even after she started her family when she was ready..she just walks away.. or she puts me down.. or yells at me.. or says im freaking out ..and i need to check myself.. or i need to stop attacking her.. or living in the past.. my question is..How do I talk to her?.. how do I have that relationship?..Am I wrong ?.. Is there something wrong with how I feel?.. Am I broken?..I know this might be a hard one.. but anything.. someone to just talk to me.. give me some insight in a situation thats so hard for me.. would be just wonderful.
View related questions:
jealous, puts me down, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hurting32 +, writes (30 April 2010):
hurting32 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all.. so very much.. its very refreshing to hear som einsight other then my own thoughts. I honestly hadnt seen it from many other ways other then hers and my own... I agree.. My grandmother is so very inprtant to me.. and such a good mother.. and I think I may have hurt her over the yaesr chasing my mother ratherthen appreciating who was righ tin front of me ..hold me.. This site is the best thing Ive found.. EVER!..:).. Thank you.. for taking time out of ur day to help me..
Hurting32
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (30 April 2010):
 I'd like to add that many women your age, but without your family history, have very similar troubles getting along with their mothers. Oldest daughters often feel that nothing they do is good enough for mom's standards. Parents often condemn your picks for partners. Fighting and just not "getting along" are pretty common.
You have a unique separation / attachment problem that is compounding it. I'm not sure that the usual time will resolve this answer will actually work for you. I will say this. One of the most responsible adults I know was raised by his grandmother. He is a wonderful and talented person. He is doing pretty well in life despite being left behind by his parents.
The title to this topic is a guide to the answer you need. You have to build a new relationship with your mother. All young women do. You are now an adult not a child. So your relationship should be as friends and equals. Sharing advice and tips. Not instructions and commands. This advice is not just for you, but for all young women going out on their own. Women need relations with other women to be happy and thrive. Your relatives are a great place to start. I know it sounds weird to hang out with women 20 or 40 years older than you, but they have valuable experience that can help you. And don't worry there will be many ways you can help them. Even if it is just helping with their computers.
**soapbox** Seniors seem to think now that they should live in special communities with no young people or children. I think this is very unnatural and not good for them or the community. I really value my neighbors, both the retired ones and the newly weds.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (30 April 2010):
 You have to let it go, hun. It's a pain in the a** and even harder to do, but you have to... she wasn't your mother. She was your donor. I had two of them. A male and a female donor but I never had parents.YOU, on the other hand, are lucky. YOU had a mother but she was called 'grandma.' You're not broken. Your donor was.Accept that she was never your mother. She gave birth to you but that was all. Be grateful for your grandma. It's a long painful road to accept it, I understand. I was there.It took my mother 73 years to figure out it wasn't OK to be like she is. But I have moved on. I care for her as a person but she is not my mother. I care for her the way I care for you or anyone else I meet. A human being.Once you get to where I am, you can heal yourself easier. You are not broken and nothing is wrong with you. You're obviously lovable, you have a wonderful guy with you. So it's not you, it was her. It was always her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): i have a similar relationship with my father - he's never really been there for me though i have known him all my life, our entire relationship feels forced and i'm the one that's pushing. He claims to have stayed distant cos he knows i'm taken care of and doesn't have to worry but yet doesn't realise what pain i have had to endure when i compare my relationship with him to the relationships he has with my younger siblings from a partner after my mum. In a sense, sometimes i think it would be easier to have never known him. He has not been the biggest part of my life and if i put on weight, he makes comments about losing it ... hello, i'll eat what the heck i want and if i have a fat ass then so be it, its my ass. I feel he does not have a right to critise when he isn't doing a damn thing to really help or support me. It used to get me down, i used to want to have the relationship other girls had with their daddies and it would upset me cos we didn't ... but i figured something out, its not my fault that things are like they are and i sure as hell am not gonna be made to feel sad over things i cannot change ... its his loss, not mine ... if he wants to say the odd hello here and there then that is fine, but i'm not gonna chase when he doesn't want to be chased, i am better off without that stress. I tried and it was all in vain, if he wants me then he sure better come get me cos i ain't trying again ... i've given up and i don't regret giving up.
...............................
A
female
reader, ElectricSheep +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Your mom was young when she had you. She wasn't mature enough to understand that once you have a baby you're supposed to take care of it, not just physically but emotionally too. When I see 17 year olds today, most of them would not be willing to give up their care-free lifestyle; your mother didn't want to either. I guess because you were staying with your grandparents she didn't feel the need to connect with you ("someone is already taking care of her").
All women are not born knowing how to be mothers. I say it's great that you had your grandparents! There was someone who showed you love, supported you, and took care of you. Nothing is wrong with you, by the way. I say forgive your mother (for your own sake) so you can move on without anger/confusing holding you back. If your mother chooses to not understand or not reciprocate in this relationship, then that's her choice. You are your own person. What you do or how you feel doesn't have to depend on someone else.
...............................
A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (30 April 2010):
I am not sure you can talk to her. From what you have said I fear she cannot get over the fact you were a mistake. She must feel lkie a complete s--t much of the time as she has excluded you from her life - fir so many reasons which you nor I can know about. She may not e sure of the reasons herself?
You can only deal with 'now', keep in touch with her but from afar. She is the last one to tell you about your b/f. I guess you wish you had a magic spell that would make it OK. This may not ever happen and the person that is hurting here is you! Am I not correct?
Do what you can but do not let her hurt you anymore, you must tell her that, until she can come to terms with the mistakes of her life she cannot help you resolve yours toward her.
Just get on with your life and do not spend time wondering or wishing what might have been or could be in the future, it may not ever happen. Keep in touch and when she has a go - tell her how you feel?
The important person in this is 'you', we cannot change others how ever hard we try?
...............................
|
