A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months and she's just starting to show a different side of her. She snaps, and gets bossy and overbearing sometimes. I'm a really polite and tactful person, so I try to speak to her very respectfully. So it really offends and upsets me when she speaks to me like that. Rather than be polite, things just seem to bust out of her lips with no regard for how they are perceived. When this happens, I get my feelings hurt, and have a tendency to shut down as a result. When I've calmed down, I try to express to her how she's spoken to me makes me feel. Then she gets upset and angry and tells me that all I do is put her down. I have no clue how to approach this situation. I've noticed this as a pattern with her mother and sister, as well. She treats them the exact same way. Maybe even worse. And I see how they react to her. They have just learned to humor her and just over look it. But I can't be with someone who makes me feel that way. I can't just overlook it. I find myself often times just sitting in silence because I don't know how to be myself when she gets like that. Or worrying that every little thing I do is going to be snapped at. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I do care about her. I'm just starting to worry that we can never work together. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (25 August 2012):
 A sensitive girl*, my apologies.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (25 August 2012):
It sounds as if you are a sensitive guy on top of her being far too rude, that's a recipe for disaster. There isn't anything you can do to change this if you have already brought it up to her how it makes you feel and nothing changes. There's nothing else to do. Having to be silent out of fear of being yelled at is borderline abusive relationship behavior. Get out and don't look back. Find a girl who is sweet and polite as you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): You need to get out of this relationship now. She will only get worse. She does not care how you feel she is living in her own world. Her true colors are showing. Her family only tolerate and humor her because parent and sibling relationships offer a buffer zone that they can retreat behind. Intimate relationships don't. That's why you need to get out.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (24 August 2012):
 I can start off by telling you what NOT to do. Stop trying to explain to her how her conduct makes you feel.
1. It makes you look weak
2. It gives her an opportunity to play the victim
3. She already knows how it effects you which is why she's doing it
4. It gives her a chance to read you and know how much more she can dole out
She only behaves this way with people she is very secure with. People she trusts not to retaliate or abandon her. My suggestion is to keep her on her toes and if there is no improvement, and I mean a drastic improvement, not some half hearted, short term effort, then leave her.
A well timed stoney silence is often the most effective way to create that uncertainty. That and speaking quietly and using few words to express yourself.
You can recognize by now when she is entering one of those moods. Cut her off at the pass by warning her that if she raises her voice once or becomes abusive in any way, you're leaving. Do not repeat the warning, even if she claims not to have heard. Do not explain anything. Do not not get sucked into any kind of discussion about it. If she doesn't heed the warning then follow through on the threat, without another word. Do not call her the next day, or the day after. In fact don't call her at all. Let her call you.
The other benefit to this approach is it takes the pressure off you to sort your thoughts and find the words to express them in the middle of a tirade. That pressure to respond is what's causing you to shut down. You're overloading.
Adopt a zero tolerance policy. Do not make allowances for her bad day, her period, her headache or anything else. And don't be too quick or lavish in rewarding her for good behaviour. She isn't doing anything rare or spectacular. No one else gets special bonuses for behaving properly. Why should she?
As long as she thinks you'll stay with her no matter what she'll have you over a barrel. No one should ever be allowed to get that comfortable as it encourages expoitation. We tend to treat with greater care that which can be taken away from us.
Even if this situation improves, you may decide walking away is best. You've seen how she's treated you and her own family. All of you adults who can stand up to her. I know you're not talking marriage yet, but the longer you're together the greater the chance of an unplanned pregnancy. I don't think you want to spend the next 15 years having to rush home from work to protect your children from their mother. Or constantly apologising to others for her attrocious behaviour.
Hope that helps.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (24 August 2012):
 It sounds like this is her personality, since her family members are so accustomed to this behavior. Get out sooner than later, since it clearly presents a problem for you. After all, you want a harmonious relationship, not a crazy bitch, right?! There's nothing you can do to change someone's personality... If you want to stay with her, you better just get used to her abusive behavior, but life is too short if you ask me! Cut your losses and move on.
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