A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend advices me to be emotionally strong because of my past reactions to many situations.and whenever i have a problem that I share with him (about any difficulty outside our relationship or a problem I have related to him) ..he begins to talk as though he knows better. The worst part is that he would compare me with other girls and tell me that I should learn to be strong like them!I'm not a cry baby or emotional nut to others. In fact ,my friends believe me to be quite cool and unperturbed, have a good sense of humour etc.However I agree that I am emotionally weak within and being close to him I often show that side of me to him, but I have been this way since my childhood..right until my earliest memories,I HAVE been a soft hearted person who finds it hard to say 'no',and timid to pursue someone who says a no, get hurt easy if I know someone has the intention of hurting me when they say it, I've never fought with anyone, but have cried alone in my room. I'm always afraid to compete, I can never boast about myself and find it very embarrassing when anyone compliments me. As a result I lose out on being benefited through being clever and I get extremely nervous ,go red and my hands and legs involuntarily shiver like a school kid when I'm in a fearful situation ..if I had done any mistake and someone caught me, in front of audience ,or when a test result is out. Recently a thief came to my window and I froze there shivering for like 5 minutes even after he was gone seeing my presence!I can't sleep without making things normal after an argument/fight with my guy and I can't sleep well if I had been rude to someone or think that they are hurt because of me. I'm not afraid of practical stuff like doing adventure sports risking my life ,animals or insects(except spider). And I quite carry myself confidently,although within I don't feel so!My mother is very very emotionally balanced ,but her and my bf's upbringing had been rough and tough. Both ask me to be more strong(they don't even know each other) , aggressive and competitive. So that my potential is fully used! My mom says its because I don't have a sibling. My bf says its because my life has been easy. But my dad supports me the way I am.(he's also like me emotionally but confident) Now through the course of life I have learnt to deal with myself being this way. I have cultivated certain things like saying a no when necessary and standing up for myself when needed. However,I am weak dealing with my emotions/attachment I wish I could change it but no matter how much I portray to be calm ,if I am hurt I feel a hurricane in my heart and feel shrunk inside. In my childhood I had been bullied (I was also a fat kid). Until 12 I was also bad at academics (due to emotional stuff) so was also looked down upon ,targeted by teachers and scolded and made to feel guilty by my parents, but as I grew I lost weight and brought out my true intelligence in academic performance by hard work. I always have wonderful happy friends since pre-teen though. I am even poetic and a little philosophical by nature.My bf is elder to me by just 3 yrs but seen way more than me and he says this won't work for me in the future.What should I do with myself. Maybe I am not developed /grown up enough due to my protective upbringing? How do I motivate myself to be more competitive, independent, strong and bold. How do i stop being such a soft squishy ball!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): so basically what it boils down to is: you are a certain way. But it's other people like your bf and your mom who are telling you this is not a good way to be, and that you should change to be more like them, to think and feel more like them. And you have accepted that they are correct so you're asking how to be more like them.I think there's two ways to approach this. First is that you don't need to apologize for who you are. Your bf and mom should learn to accept you as you are and not try go change you even though they may genuinely feel that it's better if you change. Your bf for example, if he had such a huge problem with your personality, he could find a different partner who is more like him if that's what he wants. rather than trying to change you into a different person. Your mom should realize that you have a right to be yourself and not a clone of her. So under this approach, you shouldn't try to change just to suit other people. Stay who you are and whenever they try to lecture you or criticize you, tell them that they are the ones who have a problem.OK, second way to look at this. Maybe they are right. Maybe it really isn't good for you to be the way you are right now. certainly being very timid and a nervous wreck easily, is a tortuous way to live and really limits your ability to live life fully. And for your bf or whoever will be your partner, it can be difficult having a partner (or a spouse) who can't function in a lot of situations and needs them to do extra work. I'm going to assume now that they are correct about you because if they don't even know each other and they both are telling you the same thing, chances are they are on to something. But ultimately, the same thing applies as the first approach which is that you shouldn't change yourself just to suit someone else. You should only try to change if you sincerely believe that it's in your best interest and that you want to change. See, I have a friend who has a biological based anxiety disorder. We also worked together for many years. I saw first hand, as did everyone else around us, how she literally coudlnt' function in many every day situations that didn't faze most people. She would easily fall apart emotionally and when she did, things got difficult for the other people around her because at work, other colleagues would have to step in to do her job because she was falling apart and an emotional wreck and thus and unable to do it herself. Now in her personal relationships, as friends, it was just very painful for me to see her like this. For many years I tried to tell her she should change to become "stronger" or less anxious and why. Practically everyone who knew her also would tell her the same. Just like your bf and mom are telling you. because seriously everyone agrees that her behavior and attitudes were not normal and were really hindering her life, and in many cases also negatively impacting other people. But she was adamant that she's "just fine" the way she is. So eventually I stopped trying to change her even though I still believed it would be better for her if she could change. Eventually, and I mean after many years, she slowly came to realize that she had a problem that was making her life difficult and making other people's lives around her difficult. She only came to this realization when she repeatedly suffered the consequences of her "problem" and this took many years to accumulate. For example she had a hard time holding down a job because she would fall apart emotionally so easily that she couldn't get work done, and no one wanted to work with her. she suffered many months-long and even years-long bouts of unemployment and the hardships that brought. When she did have a job, she suffered daily torturous emotions and negative interpersonal reactions as people lost patience with her. It only was after many years of her being this way and accumulating so many negative experiences that finally did she come to the conclusion for herself that maybe she should change. it wasn't because everyone was telling her to do it. And so she then began to seek the help she needed (therapy and medication). I was so happy because once she sought help, she did change - not drastically, but noticeably. And she reported feeling genuinely better in general. The thing is. Your loved ones may be correct that you're not living life to the fullest or being "normal" in many situations because you're hindered by emotional weakness. But why should it be their business when it's YOUR life? If you choose to live this way, that should be your right and they should learn to accept that (especially your bf if he wants to be in a relationship with you). if they can't accept you the way you are, then the relationships should change to accommodate what they can accept. Now if your attitudes and behaviors are negatively impacting them a lot then they do have a right to ask you to change some things. For example if you often need your bf to go out of his way for you, at his expense, or do things for you that you should be able to do yourself but can't then that's not good for the relationship. But in the end, attempts to change won't be successful unless it's self-motivated. Trying to change yourself just to make someone else happy, is not likely to work. But trying to change yourself because you want to reap the benefits of changing, is more likely to lead to personal growth.so the answer to "how can you become emotionally stronger?" I guess the first thing is to think about whether you truly want to change yourself, or if you only want to change to make someone else happy. Decide for yourself if you even believe you should be doing anything different.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 November 2011):
 You sound pretty normal to me. The one with expectations seems to be your boyfriend?
To break down your question into manageable chunks:
"My boyfriend advices me to be emotionally strong because of my past reactions to many situations.and whenever i have a problem that I share with him (about any difficulty outside our relationship or a problem I have related to him) ..he begins to talk as though he knows better. The worst part is that he would compare me with other girls and tell me that I should learn to be strong like them!" Um, I hate to deflate him or his masculinity, but this is what many men do. They try to solve problems, even if they don't know much about it. They are expected to know everything and be able to fix everything. So he's stuck in the rut of being the know-it-all. I found it was best to tell my boyfriend when I just wanted to let my feelings out and that I didn't need "help" from him in solving the problem. "Just listen and hold me" was the standard line.
If he's comparing you to other girls all the time, well then, tell him to stop. "Darling, please stop comparing me to other girls you know. I am an individual and unique and honestly, I stop listening when you compare me to Sally or Sue or Sandra. What they do has nothing to do with me. Thanks, I appreciate your loving patience!"
"I HAVE been a soft hearted person who finds it hard to say 'no',and timid to pursue someone who says a no, get hurt easy if I know someone has the intention of hurting me when they say it, I've never fought with anyone, but have cried alone in my room." So you hate confrontation or obvious competition. Again, normal. As you get older you may find it easier to state your position and not be afraid of criticism. For now, just know that when you say "no" it's for a good reason. You don't owe anyone a "yes" all the time, that is unrealistic.
Being shy is common, being uncomfortable in the spotlight is VERY common. You will learn to feel better in this situation when you know that you are in command of your facts and know more than your audience. Again, this comes with time and experience and maturity.
Facing a burglar and being frozen? NORMAL!!! This is commonly what happens after such a situation; the adrenaline jolts into your system and then leaves you feeling completely immobile. NORMAL!
From the rest you have written and your question I'd say you are really pretty normal and just have a bit of a critical boyfriend. I'd try to shrug off most of his 'suggestions' and rest easy in the confident feeling of knowing you will gain more strength and poise with each passing year, especially as you are comfortable many situations.
You'll be fine.
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