A
female
age
30-35,
*ovelesslady
writes:Please help me aunts and uncles. I'm stuck in love with an absolute monster who stepped out on me at the beginning of the year, and has been gone since. We were so great together, we planned for a baby, we had it all. Fast forward, I move in with him. I find out he's "talking" to other women, sending dirty pictures, and even kissed one of them. I get so upset I just walk away from the arguement, cause it happened every day. He began headbutting, choking me, etc. All the time. Telling me he'd rearrange my face so no one else would want me. I ended up losing the baby, but not before I found out he was cheating on me with some pregnant woman. Now fast forward to now. Why do i make so many excuses in my mind for how he acted? Why do i feel like if I had just done simple things he asked, that maybe he wouldnt have cheated or abuse me? And how is it possible for me to be stuck in love with such a monster?Someone please spill me some wise words, anything to help me begin to see the light. Thank you all so much. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): How do you mean you are stuck inlove with a monster who strangles you, headbutts you and cheats on you?
What on earth is there to even like in this man?
Your psyche has converted your terror of him into a more manageable emotion and for some reason it has hit upon love.
That poor damaged mind of yours has totally forgotton what niceness is.
Girls dress up in fashionable clothes etc because they hope to meet someone nice that they canlove.
They are not lookking for someone who chokes and strangle ,but the police are generally interested in putting that type away before they do more damage to anyone, so run away from this man and stay away from all men until you have a sane and rational perspective on what love is and what love is not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): he doesnt love you if he's abusing and cheating on you. don't let yourself not feeling love the way he did to you. try to go away as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (11 October 2015):
That wasn't love. That was unhealthy, addicted behaviour.
You feel withdrawal and emptiness in your life, that's why you think of him. Don't give in to those thoughts, take the chance for life to turn out better.
Fill the emptiness with support of loved ones, new life projects, good moments. This hole in your life.. he's not the right person to fill it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 October 2015):
 I think you love the illusion you call love. Abusers seem to love passionately and possessively. It made you hang onto the good side of him and believe it's your fault when that side of him left. People have love addictions also get stuck in situations like these. You can see how people with substance abuse would desperately get their next quick fix knowing how bad it is for their health and how it hurts their family but they ignore reason. They are in denial and don't think they have a problem. With love it is the same thing. Abusers have to be really charming and they are very talented at spreading their seeds everywhere. It's like they are able to stick you or other women with venom, keeping you stuck in a web. Getting women pregnant is a way to chain them and being physically aggressive is a way to enforce submission. This has nothing to do with love at all. More like love bombing followed by withdrawal as punishments. The cycle continues until you go to hospital or he goes to jail.
You will see the light when you totally remove yourself from him. Get a restraining order, arrange a different place to live, get any kind of therapy, visit your friends so you can get your focus off your ex.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (11 October 2015):
 People in your situation always believe it was their fault. You are lucky to have escaped the relationship. What you now have to take on board is that you were probably like that before you met him, and in fact accepted him because he fulfilled his role, and allowed you to perform the victim's part.
You need to start taking responsibility for this; for what your part in it was.
When you were in the relationship you mistakenly accepted the responsibility for the way he behaved towards you. Your mistakes in this way in the past led to him fulfilling your expectations.
Now it's time to accept your part in it, and become strong. Do not look to play the victim in a relationship. And don't seek out a man who will make you one - ever again.
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