A
male
age
30-35,
*nk
writes:Hey there,I need help regarding a pattern I have seen while I'm dating anyone really. I just get attached very quickly and too deeply to the point where I'm waiting for their texts, meeting them, calls and thinking about how to please them in general. I am not desperate but I have a tendency to think ahead in future which I know is very immature at my age but I don't seem to get over it. I just want to know the person quickly which seems too eager at times and results in problems which always are sorted when the person knows me well enough. I know I am not desperate for sex so please don't tell me that could be the cause.I have lots of female friends and this never happened when I was getting to know them over time. This pattern stops me from concentrating on work, hobbies or anything really and the best solution always had been breakup or let go if the girl plays even slightest mind games. I just hate mind games and when girls aren't even playing, I just assume it, I don't know.I had stable relationships in past lasting years and in that everything was normal. I think it is the chase and being uncertain about if the girl likes me or not, or if things are working well is what really gets me. I'm completely normal the moment I am in relationship.What to do really and how to be COOL about dating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2015): You should stop over-thinking and never lie to people. Telling someone you take drugs is a deal-breaker. If you're lying and offering women false-information about yourself to impress them; they are wise to lose interest.
You can't possibly believe drug use is any indication of good character? Well, no wonder they lose interest. You just lost several points for lying. Deceit is a major deal-breaker.
A
male
reader, Hnk +, writes (19 January 2015):
Hnk is verified as being by the original poster of the question Great advice both of you.
@WiseOwl
Thank you for the deep insight. It is really helpful. Read it a few times ,it's great.
Now the girl I'm dating is nice but I sort of messed up by lying to her (that I take drugs/I have tattoos which I don't and I assumed she knew because she asked me before)
After that, I feel the enthusiasm from her side dwindling. Not trying to know me or ask me any questions really but if I do ask her anything , she's open about it. Lately though, she's not as lively to see me or talk over the social network, but she always does reply taking her time which she did before as well but not that much.
Give it time or have I messed it up beyond repair ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): You are still under 25, and that puts you in an age-bracket where immediate-gratification is typical. Give it to me, give it to me now!!! I want it yesterday!
You have little time to waste on mind-games, and you need to know right-away if there is any point in being with someone. You need someone to care for so badly; you're letting your heart get ahead of your sense of logic. You urgently want a girlfriend, and you're weary of searching. Been there and done that. Only, I'm gay; so replace the gender-reference. I've also dated women; so I still know what I'm talking about. So read on.
Your behavior is more normal than you think. You sense urgency; because you are the type of guy who has a romantic side and you aim to please. Your good attributes have been under-appreciated, and your search has born you no fruit.
You get excited at the first opportunity, and you hope your dreams will be fulfilled when you meet someone nice and things are going well. This happens to most of us, my young friend. You messed up the last time, so you over-think things. So in the process of trying to get it right this time, you make an even bigger mess of it. You have to pull back on the throttle buddy-boy! Easy does it!
You fail to realize there are naturally going to be some females who are only meant to be in your life but for a brief moment. It isn't always your fault that they go as quickly as they arrive. Prematurely, you kick them to the curb; because they don't fall in-love at first-sight. Like you do. That's what's called "being in-love with being in-love". You have an unrealistic perspective on what love is, and how you get it. It's a slow process, and the need for instant-gratification will spoil it.
You are the romantic-type; so your desire to please women is such a powerful instinct, you go completely overboard. They don't appreciate you, my friend; only because it's too much. Even a little creepy. I like guys with your spirit. They make great boyfriends, dads, and good husbands. The good thing is, they trip over themselves a lot as they develop their skills in dating. That's beneficial, because it is part of the learning process in preparation for your future. You are very young, and you don't realize it quite yet. You simply lack experience and you have a few rough edges. There is a diamond beneath it all.
Guys like you are a great-catch. Most women and men aren't ready for guys like you and me; so early in this phase of your evolutionary-development into man-hood and maturity. Young women your age are still a work in progress, just as you are. So they don't quite yet know what's good for them, until they've had a good dose of what's not!
Then there will be people who are more in-sync with your personality. Your eagerness overrides your judgment, and your heart makes your behavior erratic and boyish. You rejoice in the fact you've found someone nice after long periods of loneliness and despair. During these down-times and gaps between romances; you should have been studying your past failures, and tweaking your approach in the way you handle relationships.
You crave attention and you need approval. By the time you find someone, you're starved for attention. You pile far too much on, and way too quickly. The results are often not what you've expected. Quick-attachment is brought on by loneliness and losses you've experienced in the past.
You claim you have lots of female-friends. Perhaps, but they don't mean as much to you as they should. They are there for your convenience. You need them when your loneliness becomes unbearable. They're taken as a supplement when you get deficient of mothering and attention. When they have their own relationships to attend to they get tired of your pestering. So you get a little desperate and go out on a mission to find yourself a real girlfriend.
Otherwise, out of sight out of mind. When you need a chaperone to a movie, don't want to eat alone; or just want to hear a female-voice, that's their main purpose.
You'll discount or rebuff much of what I've said, my advice tends to creep-up on people. So I'm used to the initial reaction to my blunt approach. Sometimes it takes a little thought and reflection to see the point. To provoke thought is my motive. What's not digestible for you, is food for thought for others who read my words.
Your eagerness is youthful-excitement and gladness loneliness has ended. Maybe just a touch of desperation.
It is good to show enthusiasm, and allow women to see you truly appreciate their company.
You must learn to slow your pace. That comes with maturity and self-discipline. You don't lack self-confidence, you don't whine about low self-esteem, or insecurity. You can look back on good and stable relationships. That's a big-fat plus! Just look back in retrospect, and consider what you did then; that you're not doing now. Introspect, and reflect on your strong points and your weak points.
Do tone-down your enthusiasm to a dull-roar.
The best way to slow down is to be conscious of the fact that courtship is a period of mutual-evaluation. You are looking for those traits in a woman that are best suited to your own personality. Checking-off the boxes for those positive-personality traits in her character that fit your desired criteria. At the same-time, you should be consciously/deliberately putting forth the best of yourself. Offering her the benefit of your continuing efforts and hard-work at self-improvement (which should always be in progress), maturity, and the most positive aspects of manhood.
Remind yourself that you are human and will always makes mistakes. Use what you've learned from your failures.
Don't punish yourself if you get something wrong; sometimes it's not entirely your fault. It was just the wrong girl.
Keep polishing and honing what works for you, and don't let haste and desperation get the better of you. Have patience with the women you date, you have to allow them time to decide how much they like you. Unless you see red-flags or deal-breakers upfront, don't dismiss potentially good prospects; just because they don't "fall in-love" instantly. If they do, you've got a fruitcake on your hands. I'm not calling you that, I'm just sayin'! You get a pass, because you're cognizant of your eagerness, and had the good-sense to reach out for advice. You're a great guy and on the right track.
You care enough to look for opinion and advice. That puts you high-up on the list of what women should be looking for in a man. In a couple of years or less, you'll be looking back and laughing at yourself. You'll find it was just a matter of time, effort, and experience.
There's a lucky-woman out there preparing herself for you.
I just hope you don't rush up on her before you're entirely ready and better prepared.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): Hey so I'm a guy who talks to a lot of girls. Sometimes relationships come by really easy and sometimes love to hear what you say. Just seems too easy sometimes. But I finally found a girl who makes me feel like she's playing with me in a sense. She's definitely "better" than the rest. It makes me feel insecure I start thinking about her a lot and she already told me to take it slow and not fall to quick. If the girls hot she gets a lot of attention. It's up to you to be confident and don't not care about her but you have to realize it's not about you. A man cares about others and she has to feel that. She doesn't want dogs chasing her. She wants that alpha dog. Good luck
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