A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My twin brother had learning disabilities, but i loved him regardless. We were always together and i never excluded him from anything.He died last year after a fit from which he just never recovered. Worst day of my life because i was holding him and trying to relax him. I had done this so many times in the past it never occurred to me that this would be the last. He died in hospital but he died in my arms. A teacher asked me if i was okay but then changed the subject. i want to talk to Mum but i am scared i will hurt mum. I miss my brother so much that i feel like vomiting which is not good. how do i approach my Mum *** Mod note: this was posted in the U.K. for those aunts who wish to provide pertinent links *** Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): Your flag denotes a very small French territory and island and I do not expect that there is much in the way of grief counselling in your area. But Grief is indeed a very pervading and tough thing to get through. Your mother is also no doubt suffering the grief of losing one son. However she would be comforted by having you with her. Both of you are suffering grief and just like you, she may be having a hard time dealing with the grief she is suffering.Do you attend a Church where you can get some support to deal with your grief? Is there any teacher at school who you feel is kind and caring enough to sit down and talk to you about your grief?Grief goes through stages. Each level we get through makes us stronger but when going through the stages it can be overwhelming so all power to you that you reached out to others for some support.You have so many memories of supporting your brother and so many shared memories. Cherish those memories.Hard to imagine now, but you will meet new people in your life and you will have some good experiences in the future. Time heals so much pain.But when grieving it is hard to get on with ordinary things. Try not to stay home when you could be out dong something more active. Because talking to others and being more active will make things easier for you in the long runTeen years are when growing young men and women can feel vulnerable. But it is good to talk about your feelings with others who are caring, considerate, and prepared to listen to you with empathy.Right now you may be struggling with many emotions. Do not bottle up your feelings. It is important that you do talk about how you are feeling to those who care.Of course you feel sad about losing your beloved brother.It is OK to set aside a time of your choosing each day to remember a good time when you enjoyed and activity with your brother.But just as important to set aside some time to best support you every day. Sit down with your Mother and make a meal with her and chat to her. She may be wondering how she can help you too. Maybe go for a walk with your Mother and chat about what you want to get done at school in the coming year.Maybe you enjoy sport? Think about what you can achieve at school with sport? You are still developing physically and emotionally. You will have the opportunity to go on to do good things in the future. Your brother would have wanted you to try your best to have a happy life. It feels almost too hard to fathom that your own brother has gone. You sound as if you were devoted to your brother. Be proud of the fact that your brother was blessed with you as his brother. You clearly cared about him a lot. That is something you can be very proud of indeed. You did your best for your brother.Your mother will want to continue to nurture and support you, her son. You still have more growing to do and more learning to get through as you develop into maturity in a few years time. Allow yourself to be a teen. Accept that you will sometimes feel vulnerable.But also trust in yourself that you will get through this very tough time.YOU did everything you could to be a good brother and that is all to your credit.Although your mother will still be grieving you do also need good support. If you are hesitant to approach your mother then take things slowly. Let her know that you love her. But also let her know that you are missing your brother so much and that sometimes you might like to look at photos of your brother, when your mother is present, and talk about the times you remember with your brother.At these times either your mother or you or both of you may become tearful. There is no shame in crying over a person you loved very much who has passed away.Crying tears can really help.Do not try to hide your tears from your mother. Really strong good men do cry when they lose a person they loved very much, such as a brother. It is normal behavior to cope with grief. It actually really does help people to feel better.Ask your mother if you can also have a talk to the doctor if you are feeling very sad about the loss of your brother. The doctor should be able to help you too.sometimes when we worry too much or we are grieving then we do not sleep so well. That is a normal reaction to grief.Let your teacher at school know that you are missing your brother and your teacher should be understanding of the pressure you are feeling. Maybe the teacher could set aside a half hour to chat to you about how you are feeling.If anyone at school has suffered grief they may be understanding. sadly for those who have not suffered grief they may NOT understand. To those sad souls who cannot understand grief then just feel pity for them. Do NOT allow them to cause you pain. If they bully you because you do not want to spend time with them then speak to your teacher about their bullying. Bullies are ignorant and nasty, they only deserve your pity, not your time.It is utterly normal to feel sad in the circumstances. some adults will know just the right things to say to you to make you feel better. Others will not be so kind.Do you have a kind caring Aunt or Uncle who you could also talk things over with? That could help too. All the hurt you feel now will not just stay as strongly affecting you as much as it does now. The hurt will lessen over time.Over time you will discover new good things, experience happy good things, maybe do well at school and make new friends who are caring and kind. The hurt and the grief you feel now will not envelope you forever.Your brother will remain as a good memory of the good times you shared, but the deep painful grief you feel now is raw. That deep painful grief will not last forever. I understand that with such a small population there will not be support groups and bereavement groups but there are others who will want to help and listen to you. Yes your mother is an important person to talk these things over. But so too there are teachers, relatives, maybe the doctor, maybe a person you and your mother trust at a local church. Maybe a sport coach. Or maybe even a parent of one of your peers at school.Do not bottle up your grief. Talk about it and never feel embarassed to share your grief with a person who is kind and caring and happy to give you the support and time to talk about how you are REALLY feeling right now about losing your beloved dear brother.Be Aware of Support GroupsPeer support groups are one of the best ways to help bereaved teens heal. They are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like. In this setting most will be willing to acknowledge that death has resulted in their life being forever changed. You may be able to help teens find such a group. This practical effort on your part will be appreciated.Understanding the Importance of the LossRemember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience for an adolescent. As a result of this death, the teen’s life is under reconstruction. Consider the significance of the loss and be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.Grief is complex. It will vary from teen to teen. Caring adults need to communicate to children that this feeling is not one to be ashamed of or hide. Instead, grief is a natural expression of love for the person who died.For caring adults, the challenge is clear: teenagers do not choose between grieving and not grieving; adults, on the other hand, do have a choice—to help or not to help teens cope with grief.With love and understanding, adults can support teens through this vulnerable time and help make the experience a valuable part of a teen’s personal growth and development.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Hi there, I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my mother when I was 25 it was only three years ago, but what I've learnt is not to be scared of talking. My fault was bottling it all up and I ended up feeling lonely and felt couldn't talk to anyone. I saw a counsellor in the end to help me understand what I was going through and discovered my sister, stepdad and other family members were grieving too. You're mother is probably very worried about you, she may not to upset you by bringing the subject up, but sometimes in life you need to jump in and go for it. Sit down with her and just start talking. It'll probably be relief for both of you as you'll be able to get a lot of things off your chest and maybe even discover you're feeling very similar inside. I know it's hard, sadly I've been in a similar situation but please don't keep it all to yourself I learnt the hard way that it's not healthy. Do you have any teachers who you could chat to? Or even a councillor at school, you may find it helpful chatting to someone who's not as close to you. Trust me though, as hard as it seems right now talking to your mum, you won't regret it Sending hugs xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): I'm sorry to hear that :( because it really hurts to lose a family membee especially the one you really spend your whole time. In that case, you should just get near to your mom. Hug her and start a small conversation then talk your problem to your mom. No parents who wants to see their children sad and miserable and no children who wants to see their parents sad too. Your mother will give you a very comfortbale advice and trust me MOTHERS are the best listeners and advisers
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (12 March 2017):
 Oh sweetheart. Sending lots of HUGS. I can only imagine how dreadful this is for you. Someone your age should not have to go through the pain of losing a sibling.
Your mum will be hurting every bit as much as you. After all, she gave birth to you both. She is probably afraid to broach the subject with you in case she upsets you. Can you sit down with your mum when it is quiet and say something simple like "I miss X so much. I need to talk about it but I don't know how" and I am sure she will take it from there. Don't be afraid to share your grief.
Such a shame your teacher changed the subject. They were probably trying to protect you and take your mind off things. Do you have a counsellor or any sort of spiritual leader at school who you could talk to? If not, is there a teacher you are particularly close to?
Don't be afraid to talk to close friends. You do not have to shoulder this pain alone.
Can you do something nice to commemorate your brother's life? Plant a tree perhaps, or set up a little memorial garden where you can go and sit quietly when you need to? It doesn't matter what you do as long as it is something which will celebrate his life. He will always live in your heart.
Sending more HUGS. Feel for you so much.
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