A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, how can a man be happy and in love with the woman he cheated on his spouse with? I was married for just over 3 years to a man who I really loved with all my heart. Someone I never could of pictured hurting me in anyway. He admitted to me that he had been seeing and spending time with an old friend, but nothing was going on. I really didn't think much of it because I trusted him and wasn't the type to worry about what he did. Well a couple weeks later my husband basically said that he wanted to be with her instead of working on our marriage. Which didn't make sense because I didn't think we had any problems to work out. I ended up looking through his phone and I was shocked to see the things I did. They were basically having an emotional affair with the flirting, and he even asked her for advice about our relationship. So I guess they both decided together that he wanted to leave me and be with her. When we separated he went to live with her. Apparently he's madly in love with her and he hasn't been happy in our marriage for a long time. Why was I the last to know? I know he sounds like a jerk and just a mean cheater, but he was such a great man and a great husband before this all happened, which is what I don't get. I don't know how he can just let himself fall for another woman and throw everything else away. My question is, how can he truly be in love with the woman he cheated on me with and destroyed me with? How can he look into her eyes everyday knowing that he destroyed a marriage to be with her? I don't know how someone can do that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): I'm sorry you're dealing with this. There probably was nothing wrong with your marriage. When a guy falls in love with another woman he'll find everything wrong with the last relationship, even when there was nothing wrong. They become blind sided.How was your sex life? It's entirely possible that he felt she was more "exciting" in the bedroom. It doesn't mean you are not beautiful and exciting. He's just swept up in some sort of illusion with her. Reality will hit him, eventually. He may think he is in love but you can't build something solid under those circumstances. That bubble is going to pop, it's just a matter of time. He'll most likely regret it. It's just a matter of time. It usually takes between 6 months to a year for them to regret it. But he'll only regret if you make yourself scarce. Don't contact him, keep your social media private. Don't run into him. After not hearing from you for a while he'll start scratching his head and wondering about you. Where are you? Are you dating someone new? Why haven't you called him? These thoughts are going to run through his head. See, part of the excitement of this new relationship has to do with YOU. Because of you it makes their relationship forbidden. To them, that's exciting. It feeds both their egos, for him that two women want him and for her, that she stole him from you, so she is "better."Don't feed their egos. Take the "forbidden" out of the equation. And you'll see how quickly that cookie crumbles. Don't let them see you upset or unnerved. When he sees you, make sure you look stunning. Wish them both well and act like you don't care. Even if you are dying inside. This has happened to me before with a boyfriend and I did just what I am telling you to do. It worked like a charm. A year later he was begging to get back with me. He was full of regret said he regretted taking me for granted. They always regret it. Be strong and take care of yourself and stay busy and fruitful. Don't give him or her the pleasure to show that you care. That's only giving them fuel. Walk away gracefully, with elegance, that will make him feel like an even bigger scumbag. And that will really get under her skin too. Because if you walk away from him like its no big deal, she'll start to wonder what's wrong with him. He'll lose a lot of his appeal to her. Hang in there, everything is going to be alright. In the meantime I encourage you to hang with friends, old and new. Try to get out there and socialize and see for yourself the world doesn't revolve around him. There are plenty of cool people in the world with way bigger hearts. You are still young. There is plenty more to experience. And hopefully by the time he regrets it you'll have moved on. He doesn't deserve you.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 February 2016):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this. I am very surprised you aren't angry. I can sense your hurt and confusion, and I sense too that you are trying to figure out what went wrong.
Unfortunately, our hearts can sometimes lead us into trouble. Your husband seems to have a very strong bond with this woman. And perhaps, something was missing in your relationship that he found with this new woman. Also love is an extremely strong emotion -- one that can make you forget your common sense. You ever fall in love with someone you shouldn't? You ever go the extra mile for someone you love despite the consequences? Think about how many times people have done dumb things for love or even just sex.
I am sorry to say, you CAN fall in love with someone other than what was supposed to be your ever lasting love. You remember your high school sweetheart? The one love that would never die? Where is that now?
People do change and their loves can change. Unfortunately you are feeling the brunt of his decision. His decision is selfish and doesn't take yours into consideration (and the fact that he was married to you and supposed to forsake all others). I am certain there is a certain amount of guilt associated with this on his part.
I do hope that you seek a friend or perhaps a professional therapist to talk this over with. You are going through an extremely turbulent time and having someone to share your emotions and feelings can help tremendously.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 February 2016):
 Often the spouse/partner being cheated on, IS the last to know.
What you are really asking is how can he be with a woman when she was partly to blame for hurting you. I think when SOME people cheat they don't think of ANYONE but themselves and what they want. The marriage, the husband/wife becomes something they pretend to no longer want.
It's like the "squirrel effect" - I'll explain. They are like the dog you take to the park to toss a ball with him and everything is fun and great till he sees a squirrel, and then another and another.
Some people marry for the wrong reasons. Some think they deserve "better" or that maybe they settled. So the moment a "squirrel" shows up that "squirrel" is just the MOST amazing thing ever!
Can he be in love with her? Yes. I think it's possible. Will it work? Well, most cases and affair doesn't lead to happy healthy relationships. Think about it? It's based on lies and deceit. Now she MIGHT have given him the ultimatum, her or me. And well, he chose her. The "new car smell" or the do-over honeymoon phase. They may find that in 6-12 months that the REASON they broke up back in the day... is still valid and that it's not going to work... OR...
Maybe they will make it work, in a way it's absolutely irrelevant for you - because YOU need to stop making HIM the focus of your life, that NEEDS to be you now. He left, he no longer deserves your affections, attention and concern.
If you do not have kids or property together - I would advice to go online and file for divorce. GET the ball rolling. Time for you to look ahead, not behind.
HE made this choice without considering you. All you can do it work on a way to move on and leave him in the dust. As hard as it is, you NEED to stop trying to figure HIM out. It's not going to make you happier guessing why he betrayed you and the marriage like that. And guessing is really all you can do. It's pointless and will only make YOU feel worse.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Lean on friends and family for help and support. Don't isolate yourself.
Chin up, it will get better.
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