A
male
age
41-50,
*ellerinJacob
writes:How can get a girl that I adore to forget about my past ?From the time I was 18 I was in a band. Even though we were just a small town band we had our own little group of followers and got a good deal of attention. I was young and enjoy life. Over the years I slept with A LOT of girls, I was always up front and told them I wasn't looking to settle down and they were all down with that. Beside partying with my band and hooking up with girls I didn't really do much wrong. About a year ago I met up with a girl I went to high school with, she was the younger sister of a friend and was always sweet and still is as beautiful as ever. We started texting and talking and she told me she always had a crush on me . We started hanging out and we have a lot in common. Things started going in the dating direction until she asked me how many girls I slept with. I was honest and told her the truth, she dated the same guy although high school and they were engaged to be married when they called it off last year. She said that our idea of relationships and how important sex is were so different that she didn't think we could date. I've tried to explain to her that my past wasn't my idea of a relationship. I know how important relationships are and I now see how sex holds a different meaning for so many.I really like this girl and she has told some friends how much she really cares for me. I can't erase my past so how can I get her to see my past sex life isn't who I am today .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016):
If she can not feel at ease with your past then maybe you should not get caught up in the complexity, it hangs over every MOMENT as a dark cloud. The thing is it's not your dark cloud it's hers. You can not change your past and nor should you need to. She is incompatible with your past but she may well be very compatible now, if she would only get her head out of YOUR day's gone by.
I am never ashamed to say in my youth I had a sexual past, I would not deny that part of myself that enjoyed it at the time. I lived my life as i saw fit (at the time, with no regrets)I would do it all again with no regrets. I have very high values and morals and prefer 'truth' and that's not denying parts of yourself that other's might not be able to accept (their choice also). The more you shame your life choices that you made in your past, the more of your life experiences you wipe out and define as useless experiences.
We are all different and don't always need to be compatible in all areas of life( pretty boring not having any challenges).
Yep! We Can't 'take back' been called Sluts by small minded bigots with a world view the size of zero. Enjoy the life you have lived and if somebody can't look past then it's good night vienna hello, who ever :)
We are not saints, pure sinless human beings and the ones who think they are must be deluded and screwed in their heads.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 Let me turn the tables here for a moment, because what we have is an issue with compatibility in values:
I noticed that after having had lots of casual sex, the girl you want a relationship with has had very few sexual partners (she's had one, it sounds like!).
What would your reaction be to this girl if she had had a career as a prostitute or an escort with 500 or more sexual partners?? What if she were a porn star (under a professional name) and not only had a high level of sexual partners, but they were immortalized in film for other guys to watch and relieve themselves to?? Would you still be as attracted to her as you are now??
All I'm saying is that if you could be honest and say that this woman would be just as desirable to you having used sex as an occupation for 15 years (matching your age), could you expect that she could accept your view on sex??
When I read your post, the first thing that crossed my mind was whether or not you have an STI. The second thing that crossed my mind was that I wondered why you were not looking to settle down with a woman who was as comfortable with casual sex as you are. My point is - you want someone who does NOT share your view on casual sex, who had very few partners, and who basically saved herself and her body only for people she loves very deeply.
You can't make her forget. You can only hope she decides that she's okay with your past and your values. That's tricky, and if she's asking for lots of details about your past sex life, OR you start comparing her to others, you might want to kiss her goodbye before both of you get hurt.
I don't judge people, men or women, who have had lots of casual sex. It's your choice. I personally never was able to separate sex and deep emotions.
The one thing I do respect about you is that you never bedded a woman under false pretenses. Meaning you didn't promise love to a woman to get her into bed only to ditch her. And I'm assuming you never cheated on a woman in a relationship. You might want to tell this girl this if the question ever comes up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2016): Based on your question and additional input, it's quite obvious that she has that insecurity feeling in the relationship. A woman in relation demands honesty, commitment and security. Even if they were just casual sex, it demonstrates that you were not interested in commitment. Although one good thing is you've been honest with your past.Now that I'm done with analysis of the situation, let me try and give answer to your question along with some theory which has originated based on my personal experience.1) Mysterious link to her heart:Many women rely on their friends or acquaintances for their emotional support. I'm not trying to generalize, but women have this habit of relying on such advisors rather than to directly and openly discuss with the person concerned. I'm sure you'd be able to figure out that person in her life. Convince that person before you personally try to convince her. 2) Courtship, my lord:Also, most women love courtship. You have to go out of your way to earn your relation through her heart. Women think a lot about things that most men don't even bother about. They generally appreciate lot of small things rather than one big bang.3) Walk the talk:Most important thing, show to her that you are serious about this relationship. Also, give time to this relationship and demonstrate your commitment to her by practicing monogamy. She may not like your past, but your past is only acting as a warning bells that even she would want to forget. Remember, women want commitment and security in a relationship.Hope this helps you and all the best for your future.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 You can't make her forget. AND, she has to take you as you are. If that doesn't happen, well, so be it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 April 2016):
 You can't "make" her forget anything or overlook anything. Yes, your past is IN the past, but if she isn't comfortable with YOUR past, she isn't a good fit.
Personally, I'm married to a man who have had a LOT more partners than me, and I don't have a problem with it. It was in his teens and very early 20's and not something he was doing when we met. But because I AM able to separate my husband from his "sexual past" doesn't mean every woman is.
For some promiscuity is a deal breaker. For some it's drugs, STD's, too much baggage, mental issues, smoking.. you name it.
IF she is feeling iffy about dating a guy like you who has had a LOT of casual partner... that IS her choice. You CHOSE to screw all the women you did.
I think you have a better chance at a happy relationship with someone who can accept you for whom you are, past and all.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 April 2016):
 Hi, you are aged 30-35 so high school was a LONG time ago. She might have had a crush on you nearly 20 years ago and it was fun to chitchat with an old high school crush.
Based on the age you gave, she’d be 27-32 and was with her high school boyfriend for all those years. I would expect she’s still mourning the end of that longterm relationship. Especially as she dated the guy for so long and they never got married, despite an engagement.
So basically you are a guy who is in his early 30s, and presumably has had the chance to date many women, but never chose to. You’ve been enjoying being a single guy for a long time; now that you’ve shifted your focus to become part of a couple, it may take some time to find the right woman.
I’d continue exploring your new-found interest in establishing a relationship with other women, and not get too caught up in this particular one. It’s not like she was the one who got away, after all.
I’m sure there are plenty of single women who would be delighted to date you.
I’d write this one off as a mismatch in philosophies and move on.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 April 2016):
 Then tell her that, tell her how you feel what you want from future, explain to her that you where young and single and nobody got hurt because you where straight with all the women and told them it was no strings fun, its not like you where leading them on and cheating on multiple women.
I can understand why she is worried, she probably has self esteem issues and she is probably worried that you want more than just her, that is where you step up and show her that she is enough for you, tell her how gorgeous you think she is, treat her like a lady. Show her how much you care. Try and win her heart.
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A
male
reader, PellerinJacob +, writes (12 April 2016):
PellerinJacob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should add she told a friend that she is afraid I'll get bored with her because I'm used to being with different girls.
Yes I'm ok with casual
Sex, as long as both adults are aware that's what it is then sure go have fun. But that doesn't mean I want that any more. I want a relationship, I want a girl to lay in bed with and cuddle , wake up to the same girl every day. I've done the casual sex and yes I enjoyed it but I ready to settle down, with one girl , have a real relationship , have kids some day
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2016):
 You said yourself, you now see that sex holds a different meaning to so many. But, not to you. That is what this girl is trying to say, that your idea of sex is not the same as hers, and she does not think that you are a good match because of it. You have different ideas about sex. Never mind that you want a relationship now, you were okay with casual sex then, and you appear to still be okay with casual sex. Nothing wrong with that at all! But that's not how she views sex, and as such you and her have two very different ideas about what sex means. This is a matter of compatibility. She sees this difference as meaning you are not compatible, and I second this. I know from experience what it is like to be sexually liberal and be okay with casual relationships, and then enter a relationship with a man who only had a few partners. And to whom sex was a very intimate thing and it meant a lot to him. It causes frictions and arguments in a relationship, because even if you don't brag about your former lovers, they will always play at the back of her mind, and there will be the occasional slip of tongue, and there will be friends at parties who say things, and you will meet former lovers and bed mates and awkward situations will arise.
She is trying to tell you that your past makes her uncomfortable. And you really can't do anything about that. You should also trust her when she says this is a problem for her. You should always listen when people say these things, because it's a warning that a potential relationship will be filled with heartache. So respect her decision to not want to go further.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016):
Men have every right to have all the sex they want, and have no obligation to regret anything.
And women have no obligation to consider men with promiscuous histories for serious partners. Ever.
And vice versa.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016): Do she have insecurities over your past, or does she have moral disagreements with it?
Our modern culture wants to basically deny the existence of the latter. It has become socially unacceptable to even consider a person's sexual values when you are dating. This view is very fashionable and it makes life much easier for more promiscuous people. But its unfair to less promiscuous people.
You have to stop seeing this as something that she has to deal with and start seeing it as a choice. This is part of who you are and she has a choice about being with you or not. The world has plenty of other guys who feel (and live) more like she does about these things.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016): Very mismatched sexual histories are usually a problem with couples. The only solution (that actually stops the hurting partner's ongoing emotional torment) is breaking up.
This idea is not popular, it's just the truth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016): Sorry, Dude. I couldn't look past a slutty past. No way I'd want a slut as the parent of my children. Some people could look past your past. I couldn't. You can't take slut back.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (12 April 2016):
You just need to be honest with her and tell her that is not who you are anymore. Everybody has a past, and you where honest about yours which is a good start to you guys dating. She is opposite to you, so yes it will take her time to get her head around this, I am not sure will she be able to move on from this, but don't give up on her. Ask her out on more dates, treat her well, and try and convince her that you where young and single and you are different now. Good luck.
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