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How best to help stubborn mother out of debt?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 August 2016) 10 Answers - (Newest, 14 August 2016)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My mom asked me to help her manage her finances. I agreed and gathered up her bills and created a budget. She's around 8,000 in debt from online store credit, credit card, and doctor bills. After creating the budget and realizing she doesn't make enough money to maintain minimum payments on the bills and continue her current lifestyle I told her she needed to make changes and would eventually need to rent a cheaper place. She got upset and said that I was demeaning her. After I calmed her down she agreed to look for cheaper places. I said in the mean time she'd need to cut cable and a radio service she uses. She got mad again and said I was too harsh and didn't understand.

My issue is this. She's behind on multiple bills and her rent. I agreed to pay it all for her. But wanted to make sure she'll move out of the apartment in November when her lease is up. She needs $1300 to be current again. Then it's maintainable until November (with me paying any unexpected expenses). However she is kicking and screaming the whole way. She's screamed at me "To enjoy spending my husband's money and forget about my poor old mom" and "Are you going to give me the 1000 or not" and finally tonight after I asked that she pay me back once her finances are straightened out. She yelled that she had spent money on me all my life and I should give her the money because I make so much more money than her.

My money isn't just not being used we were saving for In vitro fertilization which costs 16 thousand. I told my mom that's where the money was going to come from (out of our IVF savings) an she at first was upset about it but it now mad I want her to pay me back.

I now have to decide if I give her the 1300 to pay her bills when she's still not making good financial decisions. She didnt want to cancel cable. She didn't want to move. She's said mean things to me every time I make a reasonable suggestion.

What is your opinion on this? Give her the money or no? I just don't know if she'll give up the apartment in November which is the only way she can climb out of debt. She feels she deserves my money but she's in debt because she decided to shop too much.

View related questions: cheap, debt, money

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 August 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI would simply back out.

I would stop giving her financial advice because it's pointless, she isn't listening or caring. She thinks you are somehow wanting to "punish" her because you are giving her GROWN UP advise..

Secondly? I wouldn't give her a penny. It's enabling her as things stand. Don't STOP yourself from reaching a goal of being able to do IVF because you mom is being financially responsible.

And NO you don't OWE her for whatever money she spend on you as a kid. WTF?! that is a parents JOB/CHOICE to spend money on their kids.

Like SVC stated OFFER her links to find someone who can help cut her credit-card debt down. And then back away.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (13 August 2016):

Best way to get her out of debt is for her to accept COMPLETE responsibility for her own actions. That means paying it all off - HERSELF. Giving people money to get out of debt is just increasing the moral hazard.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (13 August 2016):

Ciar agony auntGift her the money AFTER she's implemented the changes you've suggested. No further discussion is necessary. In fact the more you say the weaker your position becomes and the more opportunity you give her to wear you down.

Second, STOP explaining where you spend your money. Whether it's your husband's money, you earned it on your back or won the lottery is absolutely NONE of her business. Nor is it any of her business where and when you spend it, be it on fertility treatments or cotton balls and gummy bears.

She's had all her life to spend or save as she saw fit and she's spent herself into this mess.

Your manner should be calm, confident and matter of fact. Do not be baited into a battle of wills or explanations or assurances. Warn her that the next time she so much as raises her voice, you'll hang up or walk away. If she wants help, these are the terms.

Period.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2016):

Let her kick her heels for a while, she acting like a stubborn mule . So let her act like one .. tell her mum I love you and I realise your pride dented at the minute .. but sometimes peeps get into pickles and they need a help out . Before I do that I need reassurance you have got a new apartment and that you are maintaining the new drawn up plan .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2016):

To give her the money is enabling her to just pay-off debt, only to remain in the same financial situation she is in; and continuing her bad spending habits. Being an older person, she would be set in her ways. Changing your ways is difficult once you become used to certain routines. The extreme is challenging her competency. Let that be the last resort. She may not be old or feeble; but she is not using her best judgment.

It has to register in the subconscious before it can be accepted as a new rule to live by. The mind becomes accustomed to certain habits and behavior. You have to modify her behavior, to change her mind. She is resistant because she doesn't want to give anything up, and the fact she may be stubborn personality-wise. These are her few little pleasures and you have to be compassionate.

She is testing you by trying to make you feel guilty. It's in the Rule-Book of Moms. Their job is to love and nurture us; and make us feel guilty. To manipulate us through our guilt. If you hold the money above her head, and keep reminding her it's there when she needs it; but there are stipulations before she can use it. Yes, she should pay the money back. Yes, she did take care of you; but that was her job and moral responsibility. Not a choice, once she brought you into this world. You did not ask to be born. Otherwise, she could have chosen not to have children.

You only need to put it on hold. She will be forced into bankruptcy, and may get evicted. This should also be brought to her attention. Do not give her a dime, until she is ready to accept your terms. Have her sign a promissory note. You can always forgive the debt; but you can enforce the agreement if she decides not to abide by the terms of your promissory note. It's not just your money, it is also your husband's money. So she should be reminded of this until she gets it into her stubborn skull.

Otherwise, the debt she's in is hers to resolve. Not yours.

People often come to their senses once they hit rock-bottom. That's when reality hits them, and all things become clear. Stubbornness is a short-lived frame of mind; because truth and reality will penetrate it no matter how resistant people may be. Unless they are mentally-unsound.

That hopefully, isn't the case here. She seems pretty much aware, but wants it her way.

Make the terms reasonable, based on her ability to pay. If she can't pay cable, they'll shut it off anyway. She only needs her phone and utilities. She can get a digital box and watch non-cable channels.

Time and circumstances has a way of turning us all around. Be patient with her. When she sees eviction staring her in the face, and she has no TV at all; she will want to take you up on your offer. Under your terms. Keep searching for a cheaper place to help her. Show them to her, even if you have to drag her kicking and screaming. You don't have to tell her, just let it be a surprise. She might even like it. You know what she likes, and what she needs. So at least use that to your advantage in finding her a cute and reasonable place to live. Hopefully close to her old neighborhood. She may have long-time neighbors and familiar surroundings that keep her from feeling lonely or isolated.

You don't mention your father; so she is either widowed or divorced.

Older people hate change. You have to convince them in spite of their stubbornness. You weren't always agreeable as a child; but time taught you who's the boss. That's truth and reason! Remain steadfast. Patience will win out.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (13 August 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntMy father when he was alive bailed me out a few times. It took me a long time to learn to figure this out.

taking away her radio and cable will make life very unbearable for her and all of the credit books I have ever read suggest not going totally bare bones as it becomes a very hard life to maintain.

I suggest that you hook your mom up with a credit company that can help negotiate payments for her and make them "the bad guy"

learning to live within your means can be difficult for some and someone has to be the bad guy...in this case make it a neutral third party.

You can start here: https://www.justice.gov/ust/list-credit-counseling-agencies-approved-pursuant-11-usc-111

then the "rules" to repay her loans and get her back on track are NOT your rules and YOU are not the bad guy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2016):

Just like you wouldn't give a screaming alcoholic another bottle of vodka, you should not enable you mother to continue her dreadful decisions by paying her bills. You are working hard to afford IVF and she is taking that away from you.

Manage her finances and tell her where to make cuts but do not give her money. Do not allow her to guilt trip you. Harsh, but no less than she deserves for some of her bad decisions with money.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (13 August 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntGiving you life is just as much a CHOICE as her poor spending habits and not something to use as a weapon that you should now somehow feel responsible for cleaning up her financial mess- how dare she. ITS HER JOB TO SPEND MONEY ON YOU AS A PARENT. In addition to that ridiculous notion so is her asking for help and then accusing you of demeaning her with financially sound advice. This is exactly, if not more than what an financial advisor would provide, and for a fee I might add. Sorry but your mum is being selfish and childish in her attitude so much so should hang her head in shame. My advice would be to not pay her bills which makes you every bit a part of her problem by enabling her for one and quiet frankly doesn't not deserve your bail out. Time for her to act like a grown up and take care of business herself. No need for you to feel guilty at all. Focus on your goals and don't let her ruin your chances for successful IVF by cause you undue stress. I hope it all goes well for you and your husband

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2016):

Two issues here.Saving for a baby and mom!

It looks like you are a very caring daughter and it looks like mom is near breaking point!

I personally dont think its a good idea for daughters to lend or give vast amounts to mums or dads, no matter what matter what the mess ,because it stops being about financial issues and becomes an emotional issue!

If you want to help mum you must tell her to figure it out herself because she's your mum and not the other way around!

You could suggest she goes to the bank for financial advice.

I understand how important the need for a baby is ,so concentrate on that instead.

I also understand mums need to carry on living but you are not the person she needs to turn to for help, but dont take my word only about this,sound others out on it!

If you must help out this once just give her a $1000 as a gift, not a loan and say "Thats all i can afford and how you deal with your issue funancialy is up to you.You dont need to explain it or repay it, but thats it! You must turn to someone else if you need more help and i will always be grateful to you for how you cared for me as a child!

But if i get any further involved in your finances i will loose my mum entirely and you know i treasure you too much for that.Love you mum,be wise,be smart and remember you will always be my mum!"

Then leave her to it and sail on!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 August 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntOnly give her the money if you can afford to write it off. I would not hold out too much hope of ever getting it back. Also, if you give her money this time, she will expect you to keep helping her out. Are you prepared to do that?

Assuming your mother is of sound mind and capable of making her own decision, I would be tempted to leave her to it .She is not helping herself. Your priority should be your husband and possible future family.

Good luck with the IVF.

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