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How be a warmer person to my Dad and ask for his forgiveness?

Tagged as: Family, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 February 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 3 February 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am staying at my mother and father's house this week and it has brought up a lot of reflection upon how I used badly I used to treat my parents as a teenager. I especially feel guilty about treating my father poorly.

As a teenager I resented my father as everything he did annoyed me. I would say the most disgusting things to him and set up nasty pranks for him in order to test his limits. In return, he would violently beat me and say how he failed me as a father or he wanted to put me up for adoption or he hated me etc. It was a vicious cycle. In the end I moved out when I was 16 as I was sent to school abroad and then moved to university in a different country. So I have barely seen my parents for 6 years. At the time, I wanted only my Mum to visit me whilst I was abroad. My Dad came out once, but it ended in tears at one point and I didn't want to see him on his trip much thereafter, which I feel terrible about looking back on it.

As I've grown older, I appreciate them a lot more and I respect them full heartedly. I spent last Christmas with them in 4 years, I'm staying for my Dad's birthday and they've come to visit me in London every few months. My father is no longer an angry man, he's older now (turning 69 this weekend) and docile. But I feel distraught that even today I am still cold towards my father. I rarely to speak to him on the phone or even in person. I feel sorry for him and I want to reach out to him, but part of me still resents him for what I saw as poor parenting in the past. I want to show him the love I have for my mother, but I don't know if I even have that love to give to him, which I feel terrible about. He's not been a monster, he just perhaps couldn't control his anger and I was maybe being overly sensitive about it.

What can I say or how can I approach this to reassure him and ask for his forgiveness?

View related questions: christmas, moved out, university, violent

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (3 February 2017):

The previous answers from our Aunts and Uncles is so good that I can't believe it is available to you for free!

I'm sure you're dad is disturbed by your poor relationship, just like you are. Men often have a hard time communicating and, while he'd probably love to say the same thing to you, he can't properly express his feelings or bring himself to try it. You are a big girl now and it is up to you to open up communication and tell him how you feel.

You are going to be a whole lot happier and both your parents will be a whole lot happier when this takes place. This is just a terrific opportunity for you to be the person you can be. You'll be very proud and satisfied. And you and both your parents will likely end up being good friends.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (1 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntMy boyfriend's parents were abusive and mine are unintentially emotionally abusive. He's forgiven his as they are now in their 60s (mine are in their 50s) and more docile, like your father. I found it hard to understand why, but I've met his dad and he is sweet. His mum is nice too, but his dad has made more amends. I hope my parents will someday realise how harmful their actions were and that we can then bridge the gap, but we will see.

Your dad has reached that stage now and you understand that you didn't make it easy. I feel that adults who beat their children should never be forgiven, unless they genuinely apologise (without being told to) and work to make amends. That's only my opinion, though, and your dad may apologise when you go to him revealing your part in it.

Just speak to him and apologise for what you did. Maybe he will do the same, but you'd have done the right thing, even if he doesn't.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (1 February 2017):

Phil052 agony auntThat's a great post and clearly illustrates your growing maturity. Things were obviously difficult between you and your dad, but it was a two way thing. His behaviour was not exemplary. Next time you see him, you could take him for a drink or meal and tell him exactly what you have said here. It is never too late to re-build a relationship. Hopefully, he will also acknowledge that he wasn't the perfect dad at times. We never know how long we have with our parents, so it would be great if you two got on better from here on in. Best of luck to you!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (1 February 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYour father DID THE BEST HE COULD. It was (perhaps) not very good, but it was the best HE could do. How was your father's relationship with HIS father? I have a feeling it probably wasn't great either, which is why he didn't have the parenting skills necessary to cope with a challenging teenager who constantly pushed the boundaries.

Like you, I resented my mother while I was a teenager. It was only years later, after a heart-to-heart with my aunt (her sister) that I found out what an awful childhood my mother had (she never spoke of it) and how she had done the best she could, poor as it was (in my teenage know-it-all opinion).

Your father is not going to be around forever. If you don't mend bridges with him, you will live with the regret for the rest of your life. If you find it difficult to talk to him face to face (it is hard to break some patterns of behaviour), can you write him a letter which includes what you have put in your post? Tell him you are not very good at communicating with him face to face but feel the need to thank him for all he gave you as a child and say you realize how challenging you were and you hope he will forgive you. As children we push the boundaries of those who love us the most (you know the adoption threats were just threats in moments of sheer frustration and despair). We do this to test how far we can push them and because we know, deep down, we are "safe" to do it with them. I am sure you realize that, despite your tempestuous relationship, your father still loves you with all his heart.

Good luck. I hope you two can put the past behind you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2017):

Just say it as you've said it here. You've written it beautifully, it really touched my heart. I just have to say that it takes tremendous maturity to see things in perspective. The fact that you have forgiveness in your heart is simply wonderful.

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