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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I wrote this last nighthttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-trust-him-again-and-stop.htmlI have to say that yes I may have been somethering him but only because he wants the same from me. He doesn't trust me, and he thinks that I'll cheat (because I lied about my past, and because based in what I did in the past, he thinks I'm a bit easy). So I lost most of my friends for this reason and I barely go out and when I do I have to let him know.Now, he lied, he said he had gone to his house to finish his paper. But then he told me the truth about going to her house. Past midnight! Come on, tell me I'm overreacting by this, who wants her boyfriend to lie about visiting a former crush who still flirts with him past midnight. I hate that the girl feels like she still has a hold of him, I hate that once when we ran into her she was very mean to me... she looked me over and barely said hello while being all over my bf!So yes, how am I supposed to trust him when he goes out at night, supposedly to his friend's house? I never go out, so I may be paranoid about what he does, partly because it's unfair that I can't go anywhere without being questioned! But I can't question him because he gets upset. That's why I haven't talked about this with him again, because he gets upset and throws my past in my face if I bring up her name. I feel jealous because I feel he protects her. When I ask about her, he barely answers what I'm asking about, and he gets upset and throws whatever he may find convenient about my past in my face. But when he wants details about someone from the past, then I have to be honest. It's unfair, I feel he protects her and if he goes past midnight on a cold night to go over to her place to help her with a pathetic paper that she could do on her own, then I feel neglected andlike he prefers her.So yes, that's why I feel down. And his classmates, they're prettier, they're all thin, busty with nice hair and blue eyes. I'm not so thin, with shorter hair and brown eyes. Their always eceiving comments from guys and secret admirers on their blogs, but me? I've never gotten any male attention, so it's hard to compare and believe we're as pretty.
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female
reader, ms.kayla maree  +, writes (19 February 2009):
hey thereyour not the only one.my boyfriend cheated on me with my best mate...i forgave him but yesterday he was with my mates girlfriend all day and has been lying too me for about 2 weeks hes seen her basically every day when i talk 2 him about the lies he has told he gets real angry and says hes done with talking and just too forget about it ??? HOW CAN I FORGET? it hurts not knowing the truth but i guess no males that cheat are ever gonna tell you the truth shes texted him flat out and then hes deleted them but one wasnt deleted it said "im going to bed now lots of love reply to my phone xxx" i dont know what to do anymore
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Sorry I did try and reply last night, but my internet broke.
But your last reply does make things slightly simplier!
This trust thing...cutting off you from people, you having less friends as well is just partly why I said what I said before anyway.
You don't 'earn' trust in a relationship. You earn it in a friendship. Its a necessity for a strong and happy relationship.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 First, don't put yourself down. Beauty is much deeper than the outside appearance. Our bodies are only a case which houses who we really are.
You stopped many of your friendships because of this. Never do that for anyone. A relationship is what it is, but what it is not is a reason to dictate who your partner can associate with.
I'll tell ya, I don't like the way he's treating you. I also don't like the way you're allowing him to do so. A relationship is not, you do what he wants and he does what he wants. So, you have a past. That's your past without him. Your present with hims is what matters. The improper behavior in your relationship is related to issues with your present together, and what he's doing.
My opinion in reading this is that he is not being faithful to you. I make this statement because of his behavior. (1) He lies about where he goes, when meeting up with another lady. (2) When asked, he brings up your past which is not only not relevant, but could be seen as a way for him to justify his own poor behavior. (3)He avoids talking to you about her, and gets angry when you try too. This behavior is very common in someone who tries to avoid the truth and trying to cover up what he may be doing behind your back.
In your relationship, I'd be concerned about what he's really hiding. Remember this, your life is about you. It's not about being with someone who mistreats you. Being your own person, you can choose who to be with and who not too. Don't remain in a relationship where you're just holding on to hope that nothing is going on, and that maybe someday you'll be happy and he'll change. You'll be wasting your time if you do. You deserve to be happy, but I don't think you'll find it with the person you are with now.
Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): There are alot of issues you mentioned that I think need to be addressed.
First of all, what you did in your past is none of his business. He has a past too and he's probably done things that you don't even know about. But what's your past is your past. And you need to put your foot down about this. Tell him that if your past is against his values then he should break up with you. But if he wants to be with you he must never bring it up again and love you for who you are, past and all. Period.
As for you not being able to go out and have friends? That's just crazy. Why are you letting him treat you that way? Why are you giving him that much power over your life?
You are a trustworthy girl and you need friends and you need to have a social life. You need to be treated like you are great and he needs to accept your friends and your habits. Any guy who would stop you from being a successful, complete woman, with friends and all deserves the boot.
He doesn't let you go out. He doesn't let you have friends. He uses WHO YOU ARE against you. C'mon! This guys sucks! A guy who loves you brings you UP. Loves you for who you are. Wants you to be happy and confident and successful and FREE. Wants you to have alot of friends. He just wants you to be happy. But this guy only cares about his own happiness. He's so insecure about his own self that he tries to control you by keeping you isolated and making you feel useless. That's not love.
When you go into a relationship, you are an individual. You go into it having your own interests, your own friends, your own personality, successes, having your own past (that no one should ever make you feel bad about). And anyone who deserves you, needs to accept you as you are, and not try to change you for their own benefit. He should feel proud of who you are but he doesn't.
He's not going to change but you can change. You got to break this pattern. Stand up for yourself. Next time he tells you you can't go out, tell him, yes I can, see ya later and GO. What's the worst that could happen? He breaks up with you? Well good riddance if he does!
And honestly, hopefully you will soon realise how awful this relationship really is and how MUCH better and happier you can be with someone different. That's the honest truth. He sucks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Your getting caught up in a mess that you should desperatley get out of.
Normally I'd say give them a chance. Talk to them about it. But this?! This is two people driven to paranoia because the jealously of one caused it bounce off the other, which repelled back and so on and so forth.
Its getting worse. Your getting worse. This other girl is adding to the affect. Its like a furball. Coughed out of nowhere into this awful, disgusting mess.
And no one seems to clear it up...
So leave someone else to clear it up. Leave them to entangle themselves in whatever they want to. Get out of it, find someone else. Looks is nothing - its all about personality. Besides I've got brown eyes and short hair so don't diss - jokes.
Besides they're probably the 'girly girl' crowd if you know what I mean. The girls that seem to always walk in a pack and sit on the 'cool boys' laps.
Who cares?! You better than that - more mature for one. Just get out of that and go for it. You are not pathetic, you are not useless, you are not unattractive.
Everyone deserves to be happy. Just sometimes we need to do something for our happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, to set things straight... I had to stop talking to my former crushes just so my bf would be ok and because he thought it'd be disrespectful considering he doesn't trust me. He talks to her not too often, and I'm ok with it, just because. But going over to her place past midnight is a bit over the top to me.He says he doesn't trust me, but that I have to trust him because I'm not as trustworthy and haven't earned it back yet.
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