A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this girl on and off for a little over three years and I just recently found out that whilst we weren't together for a short period of time, she had sex with a guy that was clearly my enemy, but she didn't come clean about it until after she got back with me and i literally had to ask for the truth of what's been going on with her whilst I was away.(in another state). She finally broke with an attitude, of course, told me she had slept with this dude I used to be cool with for almost three years and included, "what does it matter, we weren't together and you and him aren't friends anymore plus I was just mad at you, but I'm not seeing him anymore and it was one time, so can we move forward now?!".... How am I supposed to continue into the future with someone as spiteful as such, and still has the audacity to say, she loves me!?!... I love her, but I don't think this she is going to work out at all after knowing this vital information now, being that I did at some point consider marrying her, but now I'm just not interested in the relationship anymore, but strangely I'm trying to forgive her because I've done a little too, but nothing of such degree!I'd really like to have some serious opinions about this situation, please you all may?!...
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female
reader, Lana102  +, writes (6 October 2015):
Seriously! Are you really considering staying with this woman who intentionally had sex with an enemy of yours out of spite and expects you to just move on? I'm rather stunned your still with her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2015): I would say you are probably two of a kind..just not the compatible kind.Youve decided she slept with your enemy to be spiteful and her ditto regarding your lapses.You dont have to drag it on by questioning the why because youd be happier apart where you can slag someone else off instead of each other.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2015):
 No, you are not supposed to continue into the future etc.
But not for the reason you quote, her " betrayal ".
Simplu because of the " on and off " thing.
I have never ever seen anything that started and continued " on and off " all of a sudden making a turnaround and becoming harmonious and solid. Even if you add marriage to the mix, it's not a civil or religious ceremony the miracolous snake oil that will heal all the dysfunctions of which your couple was already suffering.
People get stuck into " on and off " things because they get sort of addicted to the drama, the upheaval,the impredictability - it seems to make things more passionate , more entertaining. But , it does not work well with marriage, of which one of the first requisites is a guarantee ( or a promise, at least ) of serenity , reliability and "sticktoitiveness ". Not that marriage must consist of boredom and predictability . But spouses have to be able to trust that things will be
" on " ,never off- also if either one or both is not perfect or grates on your nerves occasionally.
" On " and " off " just means " we are incompatible but we need a bit of drama to keep being interested ".
Regardless of my opinion anyway- if you feel what she did is a deal breaker,- then, there you have it : it is a deal breaker, you won't swallow it, you can't swallow it, so why dragging things on.
Although, like other posters, I do not quite get where your anger comes from. I mean, you are mad because she had sex with another guy, ok, I can imagine that 's not the sweetest mental image you can focus on IF you choose to focus on this kind of stuff.... then again, didn't you say you were broken up? That you were in your off phase ?
So, why was not she - and you too - free to have sexual contacts with other people ? Why was she supposed to abstain ? In case you were getting back together ?....
What if you had never got back together ?... How long was she supposed to wait before declaring you MIA , 6 months, 1 year, 7 years ? On-and-off relationships, they get switched off and then reswitched on 2,3, 4, X times- but you are never sure that this time you will be " on " again. Maybe this is the time you 'll stay " off " , so might as well acting as if this IS the final break up.
So, from this point of view, I don't quite understand what you reaproach her for- but, like I said, IMO this is a moot point , this is a marriage that won't happen, but shouldn't happen anyway to begin with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2015): If you were not together then its not your place to ask who she slept with or hold it against her.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Hi,
quite simply, you've both done the wrong thing, you've both messed up, i'm sorry to say.
It isn't actually about who's right or who's wrong.
Yes, your gf slept with another guy, a guy that you know and whatever her motives were, it was wrong and she'd know that deep within.
You too, know that whatever it was that you did, even if it wasn't as bad as what your gf did, is bad too.
You have both created a negative path within your relationship and that negative path has been up and down from the beginning of your relationship.
This type of relationship, will unfortunately have serious consequences.
You've admitted that by letting us know, that your relationship has been 'on' and 'off' for the past 3 years and that alone, isn't a healthy union whatsoever.
A healthy relationship should never entail any on/off time, because this causes a rift, a distance between two people and that rift is most often 'permanent' and 'irrepairable' for most people.
How do you truly know what went on, whilst you were both apart?
An example might be that, you went back to an ex, out of hurt, anger, jealousy or spite, whilst you were both having time apart, but if/when you were to re-unite, you would then have to live with that legacy in the back of your mind and if you decided to be upfront with your partner, what would they say, how would they feel about that?
If you truly love your partner and only your partner, you simply wouldn't feel the need, desire, nor urge to sleep with anybody else, period! Not even during a break.
Marriage isn't about being 'on' and 'off'. Marriage is a union of stability, solidity and total togetherness, because if there are regular breaks, introduced within that bond and if there is lack of 'trust' between two people, then there is nothing, certainly nothing left to salvage, nor build upon.
'Trust' is the singlemost, biggest factor, in having a truly successful realtionship, because without it, two people will never be truly happy within their relationship and they'll ALWAYS be questioning things, questioning one anothers moves, actions, motives.
This questioning & worrying will only lead to more issues and is very stressful to live with long term.
You wouldn't wish to bring an innocent child, into this unhealthy equation either.
Nobody wants to go over the same things time and time again, within any relationship, so i would encourage you both very strongly, to go and seek some serious couples counselling together, but ONLY if you BOTH want to try and save this relationship, or whatever is left of it.
On the other hand, you'd be much wiser to think about breaking it off with your gf now, because if you both go forth with marriage, these problems will only continue and yes, they WILL re-surface, fester and then what will you do?!
Divorce is a very painful and difficult experience and it is emotionally draining, costly, tiring, drawn out and often lengthy, so spare yourself all of this, if you can break it off for good now.
Your gf has proven to be quite disrespectful, dishonest, but then again, so have you, for you've admitted, that you too, did something, but not as bad as she.
It doesn't matter what you did, the fact is, you did something, so you are both prone to go off with another, in the advent that your relationship is on/off, or isn't going the way in which you'd like.
These issues cannot be swept under the rug, they WILL re-surface in the future, for bad habits have already been created within your relationship.
One of the most beautiful things/aspects of a healthy and committed union is the sacredness and pureness of that exclusive union, between a couple.
Once one or either of you, have decided, for whatever reason, to break that sacredness, that high level of commitment, then the relationship LOSES that togetherness & that sacredness. That exclusivity between you both, if you will.
If you both cannot be true to one another even now, then how on earth is marriage going to salvage that?!
It can't! It will only get worse. It wasn't good/healthy from the beginning.
You need to sit down and do some really serious thinking, so too, your gf and you need to be open and honest with her about what you too did and about how you feel.
You 'BOTH' need to be fully accountable, take full ownership, for what you both did as individuals and you both need to remember that you've poisoned your own relationship and it appears to be permanent.
Allow her the chance to air her feelings too, but i still don't personally think/feel that you're both going to survive the long haul and i am sorry to say this.
It is much better to end something that isn't working now, rather than wait too much longer, because it then gets even harder.
All the best and let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2015):
 To be honest, your relationship is over. You have it on life support now, and you should make the decision to pull the plug, disconnect the proverbial feeding tube, and to finally move on with your life.
On again/off again is one big strike against a relationship. If you wanted a solid future with her, there *is* no such thing as on/off. If you marry, you're committed through thick and thin, and divorce is permanent, and it costs a lot more money. The fact that you couldn't make up your mind even in the beginning stages means that you would never make it as a committed couple.
While I agree in principle that she doesn't answer to you in regards to who she sleeps with while you two were broken up, the fact that she used sex as a weapon against you to hurt you, that sort of spite doesn't end with marriage. What happens when you have a big fight when you're married? Will she sleep with your best friend out of spite? Will she go get drunk and make out with another guy at a nightclub only to blame you and how mad you made her? This is a fundamental incompatibility that you cannot brush off.
And while we're on the subject of activities done while broken up, you say you've "done a little" as well? Listen, if your "done a little" involved anything remotely close to sexual, then you know it's over between the two of you. You can't get after her for having sex if you have too. You used it to salve your ego. She did it out of spite and to salve her ego. Neither of you are good for each other, and I think you already know that.
My suggest is to continue into the future....without her.
The damage is irreversible on both sides.
You need not not only leave her, but you need to change the way you look at relationships in general. Up until now, you have allowed immature urges to guide you, with the drama, and the on/off statuses, to the rationalizing sex stuff. You need to learn the skills of commitment and communication, and you need someone who isn't a drama addict, and if you are also a drama addict, then you need to break yourself of it.
It's not good for a relationship to constantly be in fights, high tension, drama, arguing, all of that. That's not healthy, and there are better ways to show affection and passion. You need to learn these more mature ways, and it isn't with her. You two are not right for each other...you feed off of the contention and drama for the wrong reasons. Time to move on. Time to be attracted to new traits in women.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Your situation requires that you remove that woman from your life. You can forgive her, or not, but either way she has got to go, and go away from you. There is too much negative and destructive atmosphere such that nitpicking as to is it technically OK or not that she slept with your friend is just too much waste of time. Typically, if a situation is so that it cannot be disentangled and that no innocence in it can be found, the prudent thing is to let her go. You will be lot more happier with out her, and given your age, I am sure you will find a girl that is less of a tragic drama.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 September 2015):
 Well, I think since YOU feel it's a deal-breaker for her to have slept with this guy that you should end it.
Though, THIS is what happens when people have on/off relationships. It's bound to happen that either of you could have had sex with someone else. AT the time SHE was single, right? So, she was free to sleep with whomever SHE wanted to. There are no rules that you have to have your ex bf's (that was you at the time) permission in picking bedfellows. You certainly wouldn't have asked her if she was OK with you sleeping with someone else, right?
But I think there are a few factors the will make it better for you two to part.
1. It's been on/off for 3 years. To be honest I don't think it's healthy to have on/off relationships - it's for "quitters" because every time things get rough they break up. When they can't find someone "better" or get bored, horny or sentimental they get back together. I'm not saying this is your relationship, but I have seen it many times. People break up over something (like cheating) then get back together but the old issues (cheating) isn't resolved.
2. She slept with a guy out of spite. She KNEW you didn't like the guy, so that was her "thumbing her nose" at you. She didn't tell you, because she knew that it was a dumb move. She can make a mistake and still love you, it's quite possible.
3. you are already in the process of detaching yourself from her and the relationship. Right now you are looking for justifications to leave without being the "bad" guy.
4. if you stay with her, I think you will hold this over her head forever, and that... is not healthy either.
5. you don't trust her.
WHY not end it, and start over with someone else?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2015): "I've done a little too, but nothing of such degree!"
Isn't it a bit hypocritical to be so angry after admitting this? Oh, don't get me wrong! Cheating is a betrayal of trust and it is most disrespectful of someone who is committed to you. However; you didn't elaborate on the reason you two were separated, or how long. If she was angry at you, you were broke-up. I often have to repeat myself. If you break-up with someone; it's none of your business what they do when you're apart. What you do is none of their business. How are either of you to know that you may makeup and forgive. For all you know, you won't; so life goes on.
I agree that it was spiteful to sleep with your enemy. That's a nasty spite; but you know the fury of a woman scorned! She was at least forthcoming with the truth.
Albeit she probably only admitted it; because she didn't want your enemy to spring it on you first.
The fact is, she told the truth.
You still did something, but you said it wasn't as extreme.
Place your hand on a Bible and take an oath. Did you tell her? How do we know you didn't do exactly the same thing?
I guess we have to take your word for it. She seems to trust you. How does she know you won't get even?
I think you two need to work this out. It may take some time to rebuild trust; but you both have the "audacity" to admit that you love each other. Take all the time you need to get over the sting of betrayal; meanwhile, don't be so stingy with forgiveness, if your did something; "but nothing of such degree." Cheating is like lying. Small or big, a lie is a lie; and cheating is cheating.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 September 2015):
 Were you on and off because there were trust and commitment issues, or because you were long distance? If it was her inability to stay loyal because distance was the only issue, then she did not love you to begin with. The only reason you think she's spiteful because there were probably arguments that led to a break up. I don't think women sleep with others to be spiteful. She did it because she was lonely and partly she wanted to move on from you. When you hesitated about marriage now the ball is in your court and she feels like she needs to win you over.
I don't think this is going to work out either because the things that caused the spiteful feelings were not addressed and marriage is not going to solve it. Now you know of the vital information, the feelings of resentment are transferred to you.
Just for future reference, on and off relationships bother women so much more than men. They hide the resentment and say nothing even though it breaks their heart. Being on and off, then considering marriage, just doesn't make any sense. Women need stability and consistence. Whenever women go with someone else, it doesn't matter whether you are on a break, just let them go. Some do it because they hang on to futile relationships for so long that they thought they only way to break the cycle is to sleep with someone else. She wants you back because she doesn't want to be single.
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