A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I love my girlfriend very much. Things are going great with us. But when we first started dating she told me about how she had previously been raped (she didn't say when in her past this happened). She told me that he tried to choke her and that as a result she hates being touched on the neck. I don't know very much about what went on and for the most part I'm able to simply not think about it. But sometimes it really bothers me, not that I blame her for it in any way. It bothers me because sometimes when I have my arm around her and it happens to touch her neck wrong, or when I'm holding her and my breath goes on her neck, she asks me to stop (which I do) and I can see how much it bothered her. I don't really know what to do about it. Part of me wants to know more about what happened but part of me thinks that I won't like it. Another part of me thinks that maybe the things I'm picturing in my head when I think about it could be worse then reality so maybe I do want to know. Part of it is also that one of the few other things I know about it is that she knew who it was (supposedly someone her family knew) and they decided not to press charges (I don't know why). I'm bothered that this affects how I have to behave with her. I hate that I see her bothered by it when it comes up. She also doesn't talk much in general so I have very little chance of her bringing it up to me if it bothers her. Mostly I wish to god I could find out who this guy is and do any number of cruel horrible things to him. I hate the idea that he got away with this, whoever he is, and I just have all these hurt, angry feelings when it comes up in my mind. I love her and it doesn't bother me so much that I'm thinking of ending anything or that it's too much to deal with. But it does upset me and I want to know what I can possibly do to help myself deal with this better.Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions?
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male
reader, Polarpeak  +, writes (15 December 2008):
I met this girl about 16 months ago at college. She was quite captivating and within a week we were inseparable. She hooked up with a couple guys over the year then started dating a guy in our group... I had liked her on and off, but never mentioned it and she also never mentioned anything, they broke up this summer, and we started talking more again... alot of stuff happened, and we both hurt each other, but eventually we started dating, she told me she was raped once or twice or more I don't know. She said she was drunk once in the summer in a trailer, and she woke up and she hurt, and she knew what had happened... then she told me two guys held her down a couple summers ago... there was nothing she could do... She also won't let me touch her neck... we still have sex though... I feel so bad for her, and want to find those guys and teach them a lesson, I want to hurt them, I want them to pay... it is not fair, she has never been the same, it changed her in ways I will never know, but I can see how badly it has hurt her, she feels so self conscience, she is so afraid of getting hurt, she feels unloved, she feels worthless, and it pains me to see this. I took her in with open arms, I love her so much. I am afraid to ask who it was, and trying to figure it out is useless... I want her to be normal again, she drinks to get away from it all, and drinks a lot... I don't know what to do. I wish she knew how much it hurts me to see her drink her pain away... to see her upset... I feel lost, I think about it often, it hurts, I want her to be better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): let her know that you support her and are horrified at what happened to her. its great that you stop and respect her. take things slowly.
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A
female
reader, Francesca69 +, writes (26 September 2008):
Well i know how your girlfriend feels because i was raped too.There is certain ways that a guy cant touch me because i get all bent out of shape.It is hard to be the other person because you dont want to do anything to hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable.So im sure if you just give her some time and just reassure her that you will not hurt her that you love her too much to do anything that will hurt her she will come around.
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A
female
reader, lah mouw +, writes (25 September 2008):
 I think the only thing you can really do is let her know that you support her.
If she hasn't brought it up herself... well simply don't bring it up. There's a reason for her not talking about it. Don't try asking her about details or ways you can try to improve the way she thinks about the situation. (Obviously) She acts the way she does for a reason and you can't really change it. If she doesn't like you touching her neck a certain way just don't touch it that way. You simply just have to respect those wishes, because they may not change. It's sort of like feeding your child brussle sprouts and they don't like it. But you keep making it for them even after they've asked you not to.
In regards to behaving a certain way; act like a loving boyfriend, y'know? Just act the way you would normal behave around her. Just be conscious of her needs. And hey, if one day she decides to go into what happened be there for her.
Well gee, hope this helped at least a little bit.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe seems to be quite over the whole thing. We've been sexually active with each other for a couple months now and it's been wonderful. She even makes jokes sometimes bring up that same subject (not about her specifically but just in general). It's really more me. I don't mind having to adjust my behavior about it. It's just that the whole thing bothers me. When I have to avoid touching her neck it doesn't upset me because I mind avoiding her neck that much, it's becuase it reminds me of this horrible thing that's happened to her and I wish like anything else that I could have spared her having to go through it. I wish I could find the guy who did it and make him pay. I just have some trouble handling what I feel whenever this subject comes up (even if it's just in my own head).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): I think you need to tell her what you've written here. Hopefully she'll understand the turmoil you're going through, and it might also help her to unload a few things about the rape if she's been bottling them up. A trouble shared is halved and all that sort of thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): Hmm, I can't begin to understand all this but I do admire your perseverance and loyalty and eventually, so will she. So, the only thing I can think of advising is the both of you seek some kind of counselling together. I'm not normally an advocate of counselling, only because I think I'm good at sorting out my own shit but this is something quite different to my experiences. You obviously think the world of her and think she's worth the trouble so try the counselling route and I wish you both good luck!
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A
male
reader, rproctor +, writes (25 September 2008):
Well, in my opinion I would say dont ask anything about it, especially, and I mean super especially, if you are unsure if you are stable enough to handle it. Literally, she could tell you things that you are not ready to hear yet, or maybe never hear.
Also, why bring this up with her, unless it needs to be buried? Unfortunately, you will need to adjust yourself around her issues, but dont be frustrated that you need to do so, just think of it as a way to help support her.
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A
female
reader, Faye(L)Liam  +, writes (25 September 2008):
Hunny, if she is your girlfriend she oviosly is over the rape, but i do not want you mean. just be careful and be gentle with her babe. when u do come to have sex make sure u ask her if she is ready for it ok xx
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