A
male
age
30-35,
*ilo117
writes:Dear Cupids Once again thank you for taking the time to read this. I do not have any parental support and I live alone with good support. Long story short i am a diagnosed and medicated schizophrenic. And i was in an abusive relationship for around seven years. It started when i was very young and not ready for that. My gf was three years older than me and she recently took an overdose and killed herself. I'm not sure how i feel about her. There were times when she was the only one being kind to me. I dont know if i love or hate her. I've sat at her grave for hours just alternateing beetween feelings of love and hate. She did terrible things to me and was facing arrest, and I have been told that she would have gone to prison for at least 25 years if she had not died. She was not with me when she died but I was the last person who saw her alive. I was unconscious when she left my flat. I do not buy drugs. But my ex used to always have lots of drugs on her. I do feel bad that i could not stop her. But when she left my flat she left lots of drugs and a note and asked me in the note to kill myself too. I would not do that. The Doctor collected all those drugs and the Police have them now.I've been talking to wonderful Aunts on this site. My psychiatrist knows about these talks including a wonderful woman on this website and she always says that my ex warped my view of what is right and wrong in a relationship. She has almost been retraining me. Taught me about love kindneess intamacy all the things that real reationships need. Yet i still think about my ex. i still call her my girlfreind even though im in a new relationship sort of with a really kind girl.But with my ex gone i just feel like a piece of me is missing and i feel guilty. I just cant understand how i feel right now.Id love your thoughts on this.Thank you all for reading even if you do not answer .Milo
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 August 2011):
This will be a sad and hard time for you. You've been through a huge amount lately, too much for most and certainly too much for someone as young as you. But, with enough help from those you can count on, you'll be able to at least come to terms with this and move forward with your life.
I think your Doctor will be able to offer you more personal help, but we'll all try to give advice here for you.
The first thing you have to try and understand is that whatever your girlfriend did to herself, that was between her and her own mind. We live in a world where suicide is seen as some almighty evil act, where we should take the blame if someone does it because we may or may not have stopped them. It's not. It's a terribly tragic act that is a symptom of a serious problem, and is often exceptionally hard to prevent. We're unfair on ourselves if we permanently blame ourselves for someone else's act.
Your girlfriend was clearly a very, very troubled girl. God only knows what she had gone through to get to that stage where she treated you so badly that she was facing jail. And God only knows what then caused her to commit suicide.
One thing is for sure - in no way is this your fault. You might think you could have stopped it, you might think that you could have done more. Believe me when I say it - you couldn't. Whatever was troubling her had caught up with her, and sadly rather than seek help she made a decision to take her own life. It was her decision, only her decision and no one else can blame themselves for it. We can't even really blame her, because it's clear that she was hugely unhappy.
The second thing you have to understand, is that whatever this girl's problems were, she chose to take her anger and self hatred out on you, rather than seek help. Again, that was her decision. I think her own view was so warped, that perhaps it was sometimes easier to hurt others than get help for herself. You were chosen, because you're a nice guy, because you were there, because you too were in need of help. I think she saw you as a target that she could take her own pain out on.
Somehow, with your doctor or a counsellor, you have to take real time out here to see that you were a victim of some pretty horrific stuff. No matter what you think, you are not in any way responsible for her actions. She even chose the moment that you were unconscious to commit suicide, precisely because she knew no one could stop her. There was nothing you could do about it, and to take the blame for her own actions, and after her treatment of you, will take you down a sad route because you didn't deserve any of this.
Also, right now you're in mourning. You've been through a huge amount in your life and in many ways, that part of your life has just come to an end because of her suicide. It's natural and normal to be in mourning for someone you cared for and someone who was in your life, whether it was for the best or not. It's good that you're mourning her, because it means that you're feeling normal emotions, rather than hiding them or bottling them up for later. I'd be worried if you felt nothing. But you're feeling something, and it's good that you are. It's okay to feel sad, guilty, upset, lost because of what's happened. That's natural.
You now have a chance to move forward with your life in a positive way, and hopefully to come to terms with what has happened. It's good that you're spending time with your doctor to rebuild yourself. You need to recognize signs of abuse so you don't go through this again. You need to take time to mourn. You need to take time to build yourself up. All these things take time, and the most important thing now is that you take time over your own life. No one is saying forget about your girlfriend. She was a part of your life. But as much as possible, try to come to terms with it so you can live your own life.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 August 2011):
This will be a sad and hard time for you. You've been through a huge amount lately, too much for most and certainly too much for someone as young as you. But, with enough help from those you can count on, you'll be able to at least come to terms with this and move forward with your life.
I think your Doctor will be able to offer you more personal help, but we'll all try to give advice here for you.
The first thing you have to try and understand is that whatever your girlfriend did to herself, that was between her and her own mind. We live in a world where suicide is seen as some almighty evil act, where we should take the blame if someone does it because we may or may not have stopped them. It's not. It's a terribly tragic act that is a symptom of a serious problem, and is often exceptionally hard to prevent. We're unfair on ourselves if we permanently blame ourselves for someone else's act.
Your girlfriend was clearly a very, very troubled girl. God only knows what she had gone through to get to that stage where she treated you so badly that she was facing jail. And God only knows what then caused her to commit suicide.
One thing is for sure - in no way is this your fault. You might think you could have stopped it, you might think that you could have done more. Believe me when I say it - you couldn't. Whatever was troubling her had caught up with her, and sadly rather than seek help she made a decision to take her own life. It was her decision, only her decision and no one else can blame themselves for it. We can't even really blame her, because it's clear that she was hugely unhappy.
The second thing you have to understand, is that whatever this girl's problems were, she chose to take her anger and self hatred out on you, rather than seek help. Again, that was her decision. I think her own view was so warped, that perhaps it was sometimes easier to hurt others than get help for herself. You were chosen, because you're a nice guy, because you were there, because you too were in need of help. I think she saw you as a target that she could take her own pain out on.
Somehow, with your doctor or a counsellor, you have to take real time out here to see that you were a victim of some pretty horrific stuff. No matter what you think, you are not in any way responsible for her actions. She even chose the moment that you were unconscious to commit suicide, precisely because she knew no one could stop her. There was nothing you could do about it, and to take the blame for her own actions, and after her treatment of you, will take you down a sad route because you didn't deserve any of this.
Also, right now you're in mourning. You've been through a huge amount in your life and in many ways, that part of your life has just come to an end because of her suicide. It's natural and normal to be in mourning for someone you cared for and someone who was in your life, whether it was for the best or not. It's good that you're mourning her, because it means that you're feeling normal emotions, rather than hiding them or bottling them up for later. I'd be worried if you felt nothing. But you're feeling something, and it's good that you are. It's okay to feel sad, guilty, upset, lost because of what's happened. That's natural.
You now have a chance to move forward with your life in a positive way, and hopefully to come to terms with what has happened. It's good that you're spending time with your doctor to rebuild yourself. You need to recognize signs of abuse so you don't go through this again. You need to take time to mourn. You need to take time to build yourself up. All these things take time, and the most important thing now is that you take time over your own life. No one is saying forget about your girlfriend. She was a part of your life. But as much as possible, try to come to terms with it so you can live your own life.
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A
male
reader, Milo117 +, writes (25 August 2011):
Milo117 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much. Im sorry you lost your mom thats so much worse. But you did not let it get you and consume your life. And that is good and its nice to know this will not last forever.
Best wishes
Milo
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): Milo,you seem like a very caring person.It is good to care for others, but it is wrong to burden all of their faults and blame yourself.By the way, my mother committed suicide when I was 15. The night before she killed herself, she asked me if I wanted to see a movie the next day (I lived with my father and saw my mother once a week or every two weeks). I told her I was busy (just had a baby brother born and wanted to stay home with him) and that we should do it again.I know my mother was sick and it is not fault, but I have always wondered "what if" in my caseAfter years I learned it was futile to look at the situation. There is no sort of blame in these things, only lots of things to work through because of this sort of endingI don't think you have to decide whether you love or hate your ex. She was a part of your life and ultimately has gone away now. There is no need to pass judgment, but rather accept what part she played in your life and try to move forward now.Good luck. Being remorseful is important, but make sure not too focus on the past so much and think of your own future and goals.
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A
male
reader, Milo117 +, writes (24 August 2011):
Milo117 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much, its been hard to accept that she is gone. From time to time, because of my illness i see visions of her as if she is there, in cars in my house the street. My very kind Doctor is helping me with this. It makes it difficult but thank you all for your kind words. So much has happend to me this year. I still have not come to terms with it all, but I am working on it.Milo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): Suicide is bad enough when people leave you and but to be the last person to see them alive has to be the worst burden. I know because I have been in that situation myself.The person who decides they can no longer cope and live is in a dark place and not thinking as we do when we are well, they are thinking they have no hope anymore and hope is what keeps us going. My situation was many years ago but I have never forgotten how I felt, just came to the realisation that it was their life and their choice.I stopped blaming and beating myself up and lived each day, grateful I am still here with the gift of life.Get counselling and bereavement help. Stop asking what if, its very sad she's gone but she was a troubled soul and you could never have changed that.Embrace your life now Take care xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): You are in mourning. Regardless of the bad things she did, she was a part of your life and now she is gone. As someone who has also survived a suicide victim, what you are feeling is TOTALLY natural. Just be open about your feelings with those who care for you and try to keep up w/therapy. Just know everything you are feeling is normal and it may take awhile for things to feel better... But I promise you, it will.
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A
male
reader, starguy  +, writes (24 August 2011):
Wow. Ok, someone who wants you to kill yourself after she has, and has left the means behind to do so (the drugs), does not have your best interests at heart.You're girlfriend had a lot of problems, and I am sure, the drugs really exacerbated them. I am 42, and let me tell you, that pain you are feeling, that a piece of you is missing... is normal, and you will feel it every time you end a relationship, irregardless of suicide or not. It doesn't matter, they are gone, forever, out of your life. It never hurts any less. I've dated maybe 20 women in my life, and many of them loved very deeply, and it never gets any easier. When you love someone, you build a home with them in your heart, and when they are gone, its as if the home has burnt to the ground, and only you are left there holding the ashes.But you know what. This will not be the last love for you. Mostly likely, it was only your first, and like most first loves, it was a bad choice. My own first love, it was as if we were married, we were so close, so connected, so earthy in love, we wore each other's clothes, smelled like each other, had the most passion sex, bounced all over europe. But then she's gone, and you find out, you were just a rebound for her. Most first loves, they burn the brightest and hottest, because it was your first, but they will never be your best. The best for you, is yet to come. There will be more love. Perhaps many more. And you will love them all, deeply, to the very core of your soul. All in their own special way. And then they will be gone. And you will hurt so. But its okay. Love them for the time you have them, knowing nothing can last forever, and then when the time comes, let them go.Do not forget her, but let her go. Remember the good you had together, but also the bad, and there was bad. Acknowledge the bad, the bad she brought to your life, it was not all roses. Give your self plenty of time to get over her, as many years as the years you dated her. And then you'll find someone else, I guarantee it. Life is one amazing adventure.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (24 August 2011):
 Oh sweetie..I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through right now. Suicide is such a terrible thing, and the survivors are just left being feeling helpless with all the questions going through their heads wondering if they could have stopped it. First of all, please know that its not your fault in any way shape or form. Your girlfriend had some serious problems going on in her life and she chose to end things. No matter what, once the person makes up their mind that they are going to die, they will find a way to do it..no matter what.They are tortured souls, obviously not thinking clearly... So do not trouble yourself thinking you could have stopped her. Second, she did some really bad things to you, and you must have all sorts of conflicting feelings about that. Its going to take alot of time and patience to work through everything. I hope you can seek out counselling? It would help you tremendously. Do you have really close friends/family that can help you through this? Because you really do have alot to try to deal with at such a tender age. Perhaps the best thing you can do when you think of your ex is to remember the good times, the happy times, remember her as she was when you cared for her. Don't dwell on the bad times because it will only cause you pain. Its going to take time sweetie, it really is and no matter what, you will remember her all of your life, but time does heal wounds and someday this won't hurt like it does right now. Take things one day at a time, and try not to hold onto the anger/hurt/hate that you feel. It will eat you up inside. Your ex chose the path that she did, you had no control. But you do have control over your life, and you will get through this. Surround yourself with people you can trust and that love you, to help you through the dark times. Please please seek out counselling if at all possible. And please let us know how you are. Here's a big HUG for you. Be well.
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