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Hours before my Mother's funeral the man I love, is texting another woman tell her 'she is hot!"! What should I do?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2006) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2006)
A female United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

hi i dont really know if you could call this a problem, i suppose its quite obvious what i should do but i really just need someone to say it! Ok, so i'm 21 and everything has been great with my boyfriend lately, we've had our arguements in the past not over anything major though and they're usually more heated discussions than arguements and i would say in general we have a great partnership and compliment each other well.

My mother died last Wednesday very suddenly in a car accident. On the day he was amazing, really supportive and just kept checking on me calling me from work to make sure i was ok. Then on friday he went away for the weekend with his friends leaving me feeling slightly abandoned but it had been booked before so i understood. He admitted to me that he'd been doing cocaine all weekend long and sounded proud of it. Then today my mum was buried and i spoke to him this morning but he didn't say anything sympathetic or supportive he just told me work was really busy and his boss was annoying him. he didn't mention it at all. Then just a few hours before the funeral he sent my best friend a text message saying "Don't tell (me) i said this but you're so hot", i found the text in her phone and also one in the "outbox" part she'd sent him saying she wouldnt tell me because it was my mothers funeral but that she didn't want anything to do with him.

I asked him about this and he said he didn't mean it and I'd hurt him a few days ago in a stupid arguement over nothing and that he'd only said it to her because he knew she'd tell me and he wanted to hurt me. After the funeral i spoke to him again and he didn't ask how it went or how i felt, eventually i had to say something like "it was horrible by the way thanks for asking" and he just said he hadnt wanted to mention it because it was a sensitive subject. THEN we got into a little bicker over the text he'd sent my friend and he said "i dont have to listen to this, i've had a hard day too. my managers been in my ear all day, i've worked overtime and i think i've got a cold". i honestly could not believe he was trying to make me feel sorry for him cos HE had had a bad day! So i told him that. and he called me a spiteful bitch.

God, in my head i felt like he was being unreasonable and unsupportive hurting me on purpose on the day of my mums funeral and hitting on my friend (however much he tries to say he didn't mean it! the girl is breath takingly gorgeous - he meant it!) but now i've written it all down it just feels so much worse. Someone tell me what everyone is thinking and what i already know i have to do! thanks xx

View related questions: best friend, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006):

Bury him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006):

I agree with stina. The sooner you remove this guy from your life, the quicker you are going to start feeling a whole lot better about yourself.

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A female reader, stina United States +, writes (1 November 2006):

stina agony auntHi Anon,

Please accept my deepest sympathy for the passing of your mother. Your boyfriend should have said something similar instead of trying to keep your emotions away from him by not asking how you were feeling. I'm sorry for that, too. You sound like a nice girl and you shouldn't have had that happen.

Your boyfriend sounds like a complete creep. How dare he treat you that way?! And to carry on that sort of nonsense when your mother passed away is just disgusting. You should have had someone there for you - and who cares if he booked a vacation? He should have canceled it!! And yammering on about how he did coke? That just added to your stress. He sounds extremely self centered and not someone you should be in a relationship with - at all.

Anon, you said that you knew what you had to do. Please - do it today. As soon as you get rid of this uncaring person in your life who causes you more stress, you'll start to feel better.

You sound like a loving person with a good head on her shoulders. You have a lot to offer someone. Someone who matches your personality and will be there for you when you need him most.

Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006):

I think your boyfriend is a coke snorting loser without regard for your feelings and lacks maturity and responsibility and thinks the whole world is the problem and not him. If any man ever called me what he called you, that would be the last time they did it that is for sure....He is a no good loser, and you know he is not good enough for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006):

Even if it wasn't your mom's funeral, i still think he's a jerk. Texting ur friend that she was hot? I think that's disrespectful to you. Whatever his intentions were. Don't put up with that kind of nonsense.

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A female reader, Ask Heather +, writes (1 November 2006):

Ask Heather agony auntYou`ve answered your own question, you know that; but I understand you want to hear it from someone else, someone not involved. I hope by the time you read this you will have made that decision, and be determined to stick with it. It is difficult to think clearly in times of grief, and truly my heart goes out to you. The shock of losing your mother was terrible, and you needed support at this time, like no other; yet to have this additional hurt & upset from your guy was really "the last straw". Sometimes in life we have to see rock bottom to enable us to climb higher. I do hope you will stand by the decision that I think you`ve already made, and although you can`t see it now, i`m sure in the future, when you`re ready, a wonderful, rewarding relationship will be yours to enjoy with a man who appretiates you. Again, Condolences for your mother, with Love & Best Wishes, Heather.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006):

1st of all. id like to say how very sorry i am about ur mum passing away and i hope u get through it and keep being happy.

secondly does this man have a heart? please just leave him, he does not deserve u, not a little bit, he had a hard day at work?! u just lost ur mum. leave him ull be better off without him, find someone that will love and and support u in these very difficult moments, please let me know how ur doing xxxx

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