| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Hello!I hope you can help me as I love my boyfriend so much, and hope i havnt lost him forever.I hope you dont mind as it is a long story and he says that too much has happened for us to work out.First of all we met 1 year ago we fell head over heels for each other everything was so wonderful, He proposed shortly after us meeting and i had no reason to say no we decided to get married on valentines day, it was his idea and he made us go to all the wedding fayres and was very excited about the whole thing, his family was against me from the moment he told them, as I am 37 he is 25.We moved in together with my 17 year old son whom i had brought up on my own so he has always been the man of the house so there was a clash when there was 2 dominent males trying to be ruler.After we had been living together for about 1 month my son and my boyfriend had a big fall out so i made my son go and stay at my mothers for a while.This had upset me as he has lived with me all his life, the same night we had arranged to go out to a restaurant with a couple of my boyfriends friends, where into the conversation he said well i know someone who wont be coming on my stag night, i had had a little to drink and i started to cry i looked at him in disgust and walked out.W had a big fight that night when we got home as he thought i had embarressed him in front of his friends. He moved out and went back to live with him mother.After a short while he moved back in again and was very snappy all the time we split up again for a while over christmas.When he came back after christmas he said he still wants to get married but while he was split from mr he had arranged to go to thailand with his friends for 2 weeks.Well I was so pleased to have him back as I had lost so much weight pining for him i agreed to it.Only realising days later that he was planning to go 6 weeks after the wedding, I dont know about you but i feel that this is too soon to be wanting to go on holiday with your friends.It was eating me away it got to 3 weeks before the wedding and i said to him baby i dont want you to go, please dont go.He got all agressive and said that it would embarress him to tell his friends he cant go. (when he culd have been a man about it and told his friends hes been thinking about it and he doesnt think its right on me as we will be newly weds)Anyway i gave him the untimatum which has ruined my life........I told him if you go to thailand then we dont get married.....So he blew off and packed everything in a rage, the washer dryer everything i was left with an empty house.He told everyone it was off, the ay after we had made it up, but he said he wasnt getting married now as it would be too embaressing to tell everyone its back on again.So we plodded on he didnt move back in but slept every night.It came around to valentines day so we thought we would occupy ourselves so as not to think about the wedding, that night i took him to a casino, he is now addicted to the casino and has lost lots of money going, he blames me for everything, as the time for him to go to thailand was getting nearer i felt i needed to get away i was bitter too that we didnt get married and that he chose to go there instead of getting married to me.so come march i told him I am going to crete for the season, I sold up and went, i was hoping he would ask me to stay but he is too stubborn. i cryed everynight for 3 weeks i texted him numerous times a day, he would text me back telling me how much he missed me and wished he was here with me.The day he was going to thailand i phoned his old sim card which he told me he had got rid of as he had beed to see his ex to get some money but lied to me i found out by accident so he changed his simcard, The sim card rang so he had put it into a phone to take with him obviously, I phoned him to ask him why he was using it he replied "look i am at the airport with my friends ive had a drink and what part of i dont give a f*** dont you understand the last thing i want not is you whinging down this phone at me now leave me alone" I was shocked it killed me.. I thought im not phoning him now till he gets back as i wont let him speak to me like that in front of his friends.so i phoned him when he had arrived back home. He asked me why i hadnt phoned him i replied you asked me not to.He came over to see me in crete everything was lovely except he was very dodgy with his phone i couldnt hold it in i asked him why he always had it on silent and always took it to the toilet with him and he got angry with me.When he went home he had made up his mind to get over me I could tell..I asked him 2 weeks after he had gone home would he like me to come home he told me he was trying to move on and had met someone and was taking her out.I was on the next plane home.When he saw me out at home as i didnt contact him i wanted it to be a surprise.He told me he was going to change his simcard and wasnt going to be dodgy with his phone we can get a place togther he said and lets try for a baby...3 days later he was finishing me saying he doesnt know what he wants, He is a proffesional boxer and hasnt been able to fight for a year he has been injured, he got his brand new car smashed hes addicted to the casino we didnt get married, i left him for 4 months he has put alot of weight on.He tells me to go away and leave him alone to stop phoning him and to move on, so i leave it a couple of days and phone him asking him if he is ok and he asks me if i want to go round to watch a dvd i always pamper him rub his feet massage his head and hands, he has told me he is bitter and deppressed and doesnt tink it will ever be the same, he is very abusive and gets angry at the slightest thing, today he has told me to leave him alone again we have had a really nice week i have told him i care about him he feels like not trying with us as its not going to work anyway. He said to give him some space and we will probablt chat soon as we usually always do.It is all driving me insane, he has spoke about suicide and he says he hates me and blames me for everything, I have been taking the abuse and still going round and loving him best i can pampering him and stuff.I will be very grateful if you could help me get my old boyfriend back as I dont like the one he has turned into, If you think he doesnt really love me then please tell me. I feel if he doesnt want me going round or texting and phoning him he wouldnt answer his phone or he would ignore me.Im sorry it is a long winded letter but i had to get it all off my chest
View related questions:
christmas, his ex, money, move on, moved in, moved out, on holiday, split up, stag , text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): Both of you sound emotionally manipulative. No wonder you hit it off so well and then rushed into marriage. You both have some issues from childhood you are still struggling with.
That you sent your son off to go and live with Grandma constitutes as ABANDONMENT. Where did you learn this from, your mother, father or both?
He is 25 and lives at home with his mother???? That isn't right. Sounds like he didn't come from the most nurturing homelife either.
If he is threatening sucicide and blames you for everything...this is sign of an emotionally abusive and emotionally manipulative man.
Get the both of you into some anger management classes as well as couple's counselling to address your childhood issues that have you and him toying with one another.
THAT ISN'T HEALTHY, ADULT,LOVE!!!
It is good to leave him alone for ONE HOUR...anymore is abandonment.
It is good to talk to one another constructively and no pointing the finger of blame.
Say it seems like, I feel this...I think this.
I still say a counsellor, third party, will be able to spearhead this whole mess and have you both healing and working on your inner issues and on your relationship.
This can not continue and you BOTH need to get strong and smart and learn how to love effectively and healthily.
Best Wishes.
Also, pick up a book by Bevery Engel titled "The Emotinonally Abusive Relationship~How to stop being abused and How to Stop Abusing".
I found mine at Indigo/Chapters. In this book are questions that get you thinking as well as ways to identify abuse and how to take a stand and change the abuse.
Get some family counselling for you, your bf and your son as well.
|
