A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hookups where the women only get oral? I've seen some women mention that they do this online and that it's a mini-trend now, but I wanted to see some stories. What did the guys do or how did they react when you made it clear you only wanted them to give you oral? I'd imagine you'd have to pretend to want sex first abd thrn leave after the oral lol Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt depends on how you define deception IMHO. I don't and never will owe him sex, even if I say at the beginning I want to have sex. And I don't have to *not* have sex, just because I say I don't want it at the beginning either. I can change my mind if I want to.[Site admin notice: this question is being closed as OP has indicated that she was ‘just kidding’ and appears not to require further advice based on this and her other followups.]
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 May 2016):
 You said this:
"I do agree the women who do this whether they're upfront or not are brave..."
No. It's cowardice on so many levels. Deception is born and baptized in cowardice. Selfishness isn't bravery. It's cowardice.
You being too terrified to actually have an intimate relationship with a guy, where you share all of yourself physically and emotionally and him doing the same is extreme cowardice. You're afraid of rejection, so that's cowardice.
Don't tell us it's brave. You want a situation where he can't say no. Sexual freedom has nothing to do with what you're talking about. You don't want a guy to be free to choose to give you oral without reciprocation. You don't want an FWB where you have to give the benefit as well as get the benefit. Sexual freedom is all about consent, and two people going on the adventure together.
There's a saying - don't piss on our head and call it raining. Don't plot to deceive and call it bravery.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Tisha1 it just occurred to me. Are you like a mod on here? First you had those list of questions, but I checked and only like two of them are still on the front page. Then when I answered on this post...usually it takes awhile for my replies to be posted. But for this question I'm on my phone and I checked and my reply was posted really fast after I sent it. So how did you reply so fast to it and have your answer posted so quickly? It was only like 10-15 minutes after I sent it in that my most recent reply was posted.People can be so sex obsessed everywhere that I wanted to see how people would respond if I posted about all the other acts or about being slutty. This forum seems to talk about sexual freedom a lot, but then there's all these rules that everyone is supposed to follow. But my replies were serious. I might actually try this idea irl. I do agree the women who do this whether they're upfront or not are brave...and I like breaking rules too, so I might seriously give this a shot. People were interesting to talk to, so TY for your responses!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 May 2016):
 Did you just write that you were “jk” in submitting this post? You’ve been “just kidding”? Ah, so it’s all been an inside joke that we were supposed to get somehow. Why am I not loling? Hm.
As for why I gathered those links for you, well, there seemed to be a pattern developing in the past week or so, questions about hookups and sex, little regard for the risks of STIs, etc, and the questions were, well, to put it in a word: naive. As this question seemed incredibly naive I thought you would benefit from reading the responses on the other questions. That’s the point.
As for your being stunned at being warned not to risk putting yourself in harm’s way, well, did you expect to be told that there are no risks in putting yourself in a vulnerable position with casual hookups, be they strangers or acquaintances?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, and to answer the most recent answer I got. I've heard of those stories and like 90% of those instances happened with the girl's bf doing it when he thought she was sleeping. Anything can happen during a hookup but you're not magically safe because he's a friend or family.
And to the woman who tracked questions. Whether some were mine or not, why would you track someone's posts? I was shocked when I read that. What's your point?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbout the stds...from what I understand the same virus that gives you cold sores is hsv1. If you already have hsv1 you can't catch it on other parts of the body. I've heard about people having those multiple areas infected too. But they were probably infected by hsv1 and hsv2 or they got infected with hsv1 in both areas at the same time. But once you have the virus it stays where it is...and genital hsv1 isn't like hsv2 at all. Outbreaks are really infrequent and mild in comparison to hsv2 so I wouldn't be worried anyway.But most people are infected with hsv1 since it can be spread by kissing and oral so easily. And yes because it can be spread so easily with just body fluids. And hpv is so common now they say if you've had more than three partners you've probably gotten it. But usually the body will clear up the infection after like a year or two. I don't know much about the different strains except that the high risk ones are usually fixed by your body before they can cause any conditions. And I think that the high risk ones don't usually cause warts either. But like I said both hsv1 and hpv are inevitable if you're sexually active...And most people are raped by family and friends they trusted...I don't know what to say to all of these rape scenario answers. If anyone is violent towards me there's no way they're not getting arrested. And of course I'd tell everyone. This question was me jk a bit but...wow. I never expected to be told I'd get raped if I changed my mind about having sex at the last minute. These answers are stunning to me.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 May 2016):
Here's a scenario:
What if you decide to have sex with a guy. Full-blown intercourse. Both of you consent. Yay! Sounds like a blast! You both decide that you're going to be safe, and the sex would be done with a condom.
What if, when the lights are out, at the last second without your knowledge or out of your eyeshot (like in a position where he's behind you), he secretly slips off his condom and has sex with you completely unprotected, culminating in his ejaculating inside you??
What are your thoughts about that, OP?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 Oh Lord-love-a-duck !, as the Brits would say .
You are not being naive here, OP, you are just being , pardon me, thick-skulled :
it would not be having vaginal sex ( or not having vaginal sex ) per se, or having / not having oral sex which would increase exponentially your risk of being a victim of physical violence.
It would be the bait-and-switch, the attempted swindling that can mightily piss your "suitors " off.
They would resent not so much that they are not being sexually serviced, as the nerve you show in tryng to pull a fast one on them.
If the deal you offer is : first you go down on me , and then I give you some- but when it's time to keep your end of the deal, you just up and leave, ... you can be sure they won't like it at all. Now, the mild mannered gentleman will just say " Sigh... not fair, though " ; and the not so mild mannered gentleman will very possibly KEEP you there to MAKE you respect your agreement, or will become agitated and, say, punch the daylights out of you. But who knows, since you have a quirky sense of humour, you might find that " funny " !
P.S: : You are mistaken, one can definitely get both oral herpes AND genital herpes. As shown by the fact that about 10% of American adults have both.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 May 2016):
I hope this is a joke and we're getting trolled or something, because if you actually believe that what we're saying is "funny" and you're *this* cavalier about STI's, not to mention considering that the threat of sexual violence is "weird", then frankly, I'm scared for you.
Having cold sores doesn't mean you have an STI, and if you do have genital herpes and are knowingly engaging in sexual activity with other people, you are legally obligated to disclose that at the start. Oral sex, no matter who's giving it to whom, doesn't protect either you or the person giving you oral sex. You don't have to have a breakout to transmit the disease. All you need is bodily fluid (his saliva, your vaginal fluid, sweat, or whatever). If you are being ignorant of the disease to us, a guy performing oral on you can give you herpes, even if he has no cold sores either on his mouth or anywhere else.
As for the issue of sexual assault, how the hell would you know if a casual hookup means to do you harm or not?? I certainly wouldn't start entering into a casual encounter with a stranger intending to deceive him with mixed messages only to start thinking that some guy of bad moral character isn't going to start pretending that he doesn't hear you say "no". I do not excuse rape. I do not and never will blame a victim.
There's a very chilling and eye-opening study on rape and rape culture (mostly involving acquaintance rape at the college age) that started out as a massive reddit question thread in 2012 that became the subject of a very intense psychological study regarding the justification of rapists.
I will not and cannot in good faith direct link you or any of the other readers on Dearcupid because the subject of men who have committed rape or sexual assault telling their stories and their reasons is most definitely triggering of anyone who has dealt with that past trauma, so I'll only say that you can look it up at your own risk to get an idea of what very well may be going through the heads of these casual encounters you mean to tease into sexually gratifying you while secretly meaning to deceive them. I don't care what kind of feedback I get on this post. I only want to save you and anyone else who may be reading this.
The study focused on a percentage of the justifications, and I will post that here with the proper credit. I hope you don't blow this off as easily as you've blown us off:
The main themes identified in the analysis were, sexual scripts (37%), victim blame (29%), hostile sexism (24%), biological essentialism (18%), objectification (18%), and sociosexuality (18%). I'll discuss how the researchers defined each of these categories.
Sexual Scripts (37%) were defined as narratives that used justifications "about men’s desire for sex, how men are supposed to initiate sex, and how women are not supposed to desire sex, are supposed to have weaker sex drives, or resist male partners’ advances". One common result of these that the authors mention is the belief that women say "No", they actually mean "Yes". There were responses from both male perpetrators and female perpetrators, and the authors noted that the differing sexual scripts altered how people responded to female perpetrators (dismissing and laughing off female on male rape).
Victim Blaming (29%) were defined where the perpetrators blamed their victims for drinking too much, not saying no enough, or not physically resisting, or who had flirted initially or previously had sex with the perpetrator.
Hostile Sexism (24%) was defined as "specific indignation and disparagement directed toward women." Comments that were dismissive, or joking about the event were generally classified in this category.
Biological Essentialism (18%) described responses that placed the blame on their biology and hormones, and suggested that perpetrators cannot help themselves.
Objectification (18%) was defined as responses separating some aspect of the victims body from themselves, reducing them to a simple sexual object.
Sociosexuality (18%) was defined as a "construct that" represents the desire for multiple sex partners, sex outside of the context of a relationship, or sex for personal physical gratification rather than intimacy."
--Credits "Psychology of Violence" Georgia State University, research summary of 65 psychologists.
Sorry this is so long. LET ME BE CLEAR - Consent is a two-way street. Sex must be consensual. Every aspect of the sexual interaction must be that as well. A person cannot give true consent in the presence of deception, and that's no matter which gender you are. What you are wanting to do is to extract sexual satisfaction through deception. How can a guy consent to what you are wanting if you mean to deceive him? Don't play the dangerous game. Two wrongs don't make a right. Again, I do not blame a rape victim. But don't do this. Please listen to the aunts here and utterly stop considering this.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 May 2016):
Oh dear. Ah. So you really are that uneducated and willing to remain so. You asked for advice from the aunts here, you got it. I’m sorry for you that you don’t seem ready to hear it.Be careful. It’s probable that you’ll experience some problems in trying to manipulate men into providing sexual favors. I’ve collected a few posts from recent women in your age range. There does seem to be an epidemic of young women who are trying to avoid STIs through oral only and are trying to navigate having sexual experiences without actually having sex:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-tough-guys-like-it-rough-too.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-youve-already-had-sex-then-which-do.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-guys-want-intercourse-so-badly.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-you-change-a-player-just-a-little.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-tell-each-fwb-about-the-others.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-tell-potential-fwbs-or-hookups.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-try-fwb-what-should-i.htmlAs I said, never go anywhere with a hookup without making certain that someone knows where you are going and who you are with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou ppl are funny. If I already have cold sores I can't catch hsv1 anywhere else. Hpv is pretty much unavoidable if you've had more than a few partners. Hsv1 and hpv are infections that almost everyone gets no matter what.If a guy is willing to be a criminal how will me having sex with him stop the violence? I should let him beat me up during sex instead of before sex? He is who he is no matter what I do. I couldn't believe those three answers...I'd imagine saying I only want oral upfront would make me more of a target since he'd assume I was naive...if what you said was true no one would ho to bars or clubs. Wow. Weird answers. And all from women...?Srsly I've tried toys but they don't do much for me. I've nvr cum from one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): I can't imagine who would want to do it. Are there men who just love giving oral to a woman and nothing else? I doubt it! It would be like a woman hooking up with a man just to give blowjobs. where's the fun in that? Have a proper relationship or get a vibrator?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): Look honey you are still very young and I am sure you haven't done what you are asking about before, you are just fantasizing and wondering about it. You should look to have a steady relationship with a boy who you love and trust and who will love you back and you can try out this fantasy with him among other things like kissing, cuddling, foundling,touching, feeling...
My advice, wait for the right person to come, and you will find it much more satisfying than doing it with total strangers.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 May 2016):
OP, I hope that the last sentence of your submittal was written in jest, because if you mean it literally, you ARE playing with fire, you are opening yourself wide up to be raped or beaten up.
You would not be fooling with the boy next door or your childhood friend,- one taht , if you lead him on, then leave him high and dry, all he will do is pout.
If we are talking hook ups with random stangers, even more if picked from some casual encounters site, it's a very mixed bag you' d be dealing with. For all you know he might just be out of jail after serving a sentence for a violent crime, or- this much more probably- he could be drunk or high on " keep it hard " drugs. Most of the times you won't know his real name or whereabouts , and that may give him the WRONG kind of confidence in dealing with you harshly. If he does not take it kindly that you promise him sex then try to weasel out of it once you got yours, that could end VERY badly.
Always state clearly your expectations and how your deal is BEFORE having the encounter, during preliminary contacts. That's not a guarantee that all your limits will be respected, but it lowers noticebly your odds of ending your night out with a trip to the E.R.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2016):
 While i have never done it on craig's list or as a hook up
I have had two sexual relationships where all I got was oral and the man did not want anything back.
It's very unsatisfying for me.
good luck OP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2016): Aside from danger of herpes, do not play with fire.
Though now women are trying to be equal in everything including sex to men, in this case be careful, very careful.
Do not discount the fact that men are much stronger physically than women. Hook ups mean being intimate with a stranger who is much stronger than you and you dont know what kind of a person he is. If you are going to play games and deprive him after words of sexual gratification after he pleased you, you might encounter an act of violence. These are very dangerous encounters as it is, but what you describing is even more dangerous.
To use another person only for physical pleasure is wrong, anyway you look at it. It goes for both sexes
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 May 2016):
I can only speak for myself, but I don't tell fantasy stories. I give advice. Here's some:
Never deceive a guy. If it's clear that he's going to perform oral on you, and it's clear that he will have no kind of reciprocation FROM you, and he's okay with it, then knock yourself out. Use a dental dam or make sure you practice safety to the best of your ability.
Being honest doesn't mean you lead a guy on and then spring it on him at the last second. Being honest means that before you two meet, you're CLEAR about this aspect. Otherwise, that's slimy to do that. If you were a guy, and he wanted advice to get women to go down on him without any kind of reciprocation whatsoever, I'd tell him to quit using women like that. If a woman loved to go down on a guy and didn't care about not getting anything in return, chances are she's looking for non-sexual payment of a financial or "favors" kind, or she doesn't exist.
Hookups should be honest, always. For a woman, there are guys who aren't that good of people, and every hookup with a stranger can be dangerous because you don't know the person you are hooking up with. What happens if he gives you oral and you decide to spring on him that you're not giving him anything but blue balls in return?? I'll say it again - there are not nice people in this world, and you're already on your back with your pants down, and 75% of rapes are date/acquaintance rapes where a guy takes things a lot farther than a woman wants things to go.
My advice is to leave this as as fantasy or get a vibrator which will give you an orgasm at will better than most any other guy out there.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 May 2016):
From the STI Files at scarleteen.com: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexual_health/the_sti_files_herpes
"What is it exactly? There are two types of the Herpes Simplex Virus: Simplex I and Simplex II. Simplex I or oral herpes usually infects the mouth (cold sores are Herpes Simplex I), and Simplex II, or genital herpes, usually infects the genitals. However, both types can be transmitted sexually (through kissing and oral sex as well as through skin and genital contact), and HSV-I is not limited to the mouth area, nor is HSV-II limited to the genitals. So, HSV-I can affect the genitals, and HSV-II can affect the mouth area. It’s also possible to be infected with both types of the Herpes Simplex virus.”
"How is it spread? Herpes viruses are spread by contact between an infected area of the body and an uninfected, susceptible area of an uninfected person's body. This means that herpes can be spread from ANY affected part of the body: penis, vulva, anus, mouth, lips/face, or other areas.
If virus from an active sore is on a hand or an object, it can also be transmitted that way -- for instance, a person with cold sores could wipe their mouth with their fingers, then perform manual sex on an uninfected person and infect them that way. It can even be transmitted from hand to eye. Ouch.
Sexually, it can be spread by vaginal, anal, or oral intercourse, manual sex, general touch or kissing. Unlike most other kinds of sexually transmitted infections, it is not simply spread through body fluids. Herpes can be spread through skin-to-skin contact. Herpes is most contagious when one person with the disease has an active sore, however it may also be spread when no sores are visible or perceived to be present. Shaving areas where there are outbreaks may also contribute to the virus spreading.”
and
"How can we protect against it? People with Herpes should NOT have physical sexual contact (vaginal or anal intercourse, oral intercourse, manual intercourse, kissing, etc.) with others when sores are present or when they can feel the sensations that signal an approaching outbreak. Because people can have herpes infections without having a visible rash or outbreak, and because condoms only offer limited protection from herpes (since herpes can infect areas of skin not covered by condoms), both sexual partners should be tested for Herpes BEFORE any sexual intimacy of any sort, and safer sex should always be practiced.”
There’s that suggestion again, be tested before being intimate sexually (including oral) and make sure your hookup partner is as well. Such a tedious detail, I know, I know.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 May 2016):
Sorry, just re-read your followup. You’re not worried about Herpes because you get cold sores? Oh my.
You know that HSV 1 does colonize in the genital area, no? You can get an outbreak of HSV 1 in your lady parts.
Read this helpful handbook http://www.westoverheights.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Updated-Herpes-Book.pdf for more education: you seem to need it.
"When someone has a cold sore on their mouth or simply an oral infection with no sores present, and is the giver of oral sex to someone else, the virus can be spread from the mouth to the genitals. The receiver of the oral sex might then get genital herpes type 1. The virus type doesn’t change (that is, it doesn’t change from type I to type II because it is in the genital area), but the cold sore virus will simply live, and possibly recur, in the area of the genitals. Cold sores have been around for a long, long time, and some people find it hard to accept that these can indeed be the source of genital herpes infections. But as oral sex becomes more common, the incidence of getting genital herpes in this way is increasing. “
Also, you might want to practice telling potential sex partners in the future that you’ve got X Y or Z STD. Helpful advice in the handbook includes "Statistics do show that the more sex partners you have, the more likely it is that you will get a sexually transmitted disease. But remember, in this case, it only takes one sexual encounter to contract an infection that stays with you for your lifetime.”
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 May 2016):
Good luck. And I was completely serious about making sure someone else knows where you are and who you are hooking up with.
I found your earlier post on on the topic to refresh your memory: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-tell-potential-fwbs-or-hookups.html
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 May 2016):
 Amen Tisha!
Hello HVP and Herpes!!
Specially if these are casual hook ups where you have NO idea of the sexual history of your partner.
Now OP if you insist on trying this, invest in some dental dams and/or roll of saran wrap/clingfilm!
And I have never heard of such a tend. Sounds like "fetch" from Mean Girls...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour answers are all really funny to me! I'm not worried about herpes; I get coldsores sometimes. And my question was yeah, women getting oral w/o having to give anything back. And I asked for stories...I guess I'll just have to try myself and see. Maybe ask a friend or something.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 May 2016):
"Helloooo, Herpes!" was my first reaction to this question. If you don't understand why, let me know in a follow up.
So you're basically looking for men to service you with oral sex, then leave, is that the idea?
Take a look in the postings under "casual encounters " on Craigslist, you'll see men of unknown quality volunteering for that duty. Is that the mini-trend you mean?
Basically you want to experience sexual satisfaction without reciprocating, and this with men you are simply hooking up with. Other than the less than salubrious posts from orally-fixated "gentlemen" I've not heard of this trend.
You might research "gigolos" in your area; perhaps you can reach an arrangement with one.
For heaven's sake, use a dental dam and make sure someone knows where you are and who you are with if you're going to try hookups like this.
If I were you, I'd invest in a great vibrator, and use it until I was really ready for partnered sex. You're not at that point yet. Maybe laying off the porn searching would help you. I'm afraid you're becoming the female version of the male PUA; and that's not a compliment.
Be safe!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 May 2016):
I'm confused. Is this a mutual "outercourse" agreement where you both go down on each other, or is this where a girl gets the guy to go down on her only to fake a headache and bail before reciprocating??
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 ... I have no idea, never heard of this trend. But on the contrary, I imagine you'd seduce the men into wanting to give you oral. And then go have the fun.
But honestly, I can't answer you on this one, as I would never let a one night stand go down on me. Men rarely know what they're doing down there and it's all just awkward, I think. I don't get any pleasure out of it.
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 Sorry but what was the question again?
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