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Hold on to hope or let it go?

Tagged as: Dating, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 September 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 19 September 2016)
A female Ireland age 41-50, *erraz writes:

I met this guy on line and we hit if off really well. He said he was open to the possibility of a relationship and I'm looking for a relationship. I know his situation is not ideal, as he's been divorced for 18 months and currently looking for work abroad. Im open to the possibility of moving abroad however not so immediately as I have stuff to sort first. Anyway it's only been 6 weeks of dating and things have been amazing. It's at a stage where we see each other twice a week but not had that official conversation of the girlfriend/boyfriend title. My gut has no concerns for a possible long term relationship as we are getting to know each other. However, he received a call for a job he replied for in the Canada, that is only for 5 weeks and he has taken it. This is fine but we never made things official, and he leaves tomorrow. He's not said anything other than he will be in contact when he gets back. But I don't feel that's enough. I know that he will be working constantly, but what does that mean? Will he be seeing other women when he is there, should I continue to date other people? I don't want to. But I don't want to hold on to hope either. My gut trusts that it will be OK, but I don't want to be too niave. Can anyone put someone help me figure this out. Thank you

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A female reader, derraz Ireland +, writes (19 September 2016):

derraz is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your comments. Im feeling much more content and relaxed with the situation and at the same time feeling hopefull. Thanks guys

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016):

You have to slow-down, my dear. Your eagerness borders on desperation. It has only been a few weeks and your feelings are too strong. You can't stress so much over someone you barely know, and you can't anticipate a relationship when you have so little to go on.

I always look at the age-group for the posts I respond to. For the most part, people (male or female) in their mid to late 30's and 40's tend to get very intense about new relationships. They get far too excited, and start over-thinking. I do understand, because I've been there. You've been single for a long time, you've dealt with weirdos and players, and you've had your heart broken a few times. Then a hopeful comes along, and your heart jumps for joy.

You have to bottle it up just a little. You have to give him time to catch up to your feelings. You shouldn't show too much of what you feel on the outside just yet. It can scare people away when they haven't quite decided how they feel and how far they wish to take things. It is not official; so you can't leave yourself too vulnerable to disappointment. He's only going to be gone a month or so; and you'll probably be in-contact most of the time. Just don't shower him in desperate text messages. Behave with dignity and maturity. Never show too much eagerness, that can also set you up to be toyed with. Measure your reactions to equal his actions. Give no more than you receive.

If you've made a good connection, things will fall into place. Rushing things will place your feelings far ahead of his, and that is never a good thing in a new romance. At this stage, you're only dating. You're getting to know him; but you have to see all phases of his emotions and behavior.

You're falling for the notion of who you think he is. Wait for consistency over time, my dear. Don't go uprooting your life to move abroad to chase a man you hardly even know.

You need to know particularly how he handles his anger and frustration. You need to see if he freely shows patience, kindness, and generosity. Your values have to match. Most of all, you need to get your feelings under strict control. Too many OP's write, wondering what happened when the other person has turned from hot to cold. That's because they are often frightened or alarmed by jittery and anxious behavior from someone they hardly know. It's very unnerving when someone seems to be falling for you, and you're not exactly sure if you really like them as much.

If he feels same as you do, he will maintain regular contact. He will eventually express how he feels, and he will inquire about your feelings to see if you're on the same page. If you can maintain control of your feelings, you can wait more patiently and allow nature to take its course. The chemistry will build naturally, and you will not allow desperation to cloud your judgment.

I'm hoping you've found the right guy and this is the beginning of good things to come.

Stay level-headed, sweetheart!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (19 September 2016):

N91 agony auntThe only way you'll be able to put yourself at ease is by asking him. If you see this having long term potential then it's really not an unreasonable request to ask where you stand with him being away for over a month, especially if you're feeling uncomfortable about what to do.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (19 September 2016):

singinbluebird agony auntDont stress out. Its just been a few weeks of dating. Its a really new relationship, dont come off to needy. I say take a deep breathe and view this objectively. Hes only gone 5 weeks! Thats a minimal 35 days. Thats a extremely short time, most likely he will be busy at work...then when he comes back, he may be full of excitment he gets to see his girl again. Dont think about the rest. But also dont wait for him, I know this hard to do but men love women who also have their own life.

Relax, take a deep breath, and let your mind guide your heart on this. Keep busy, date (even if you dont want to, let men take you out, it might surprise you that you may enjoy it), meet your girlfriends, take yourself on solo dates, read your favorite book--fill your life with love.

If he feels for you, after 5 weeks he will be back and ready to knock on your door. And that entire time you cant be just waiting, needy, and insecure. You must make sure you have taken care of YOU, so that he can feel your security, your confidence, your love when hes back.

Good luck

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