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Ho do I deal with her speaking FOR my Dad all the time?

Tagged as: Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 April 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 19 April 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Dad's girlfriend is always speaking FOR my dad. She comes off very possessive but in an enthusiastic way. Constantly bragging about how she is with my dad. I didn't think much of it at first but overtime I have seen more signs of her narcissistic behavior.

Most of which I am not interested in getting into now.

I am mostly frustrated with how to tolerate her talking for my dad. It is always "your dad thinks..." "your dad loves you" "your dad and I" "love your dad and me". It is always seemingly innocent but I can't help but feel she is trying to set up this dynamic where I should go through her to plan, learn, or understanding anything about my dad. I don't want to field questions through her.

My dad has no troubles telling me he loves me himself, we have a great relationship. She has started to dictate when he will visit my sister and she calls her up to make the plans.

It is suspiciously contriving - as if she wants to appear she cares and is doing all this effort to show she would do this or that for my dad - but in actuality is controlling his life.

She plans his schedule to see his kids, at times uses his fb, has texted from my dads phone without acknowledingly herself, and now he has become financially dependent on her.

How do I deal with her speaking FOR my dad?

It is in attempt to seem docile and get me to respond or go along with it. And if I don't I appear rude and unwilling to engage.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHave you spoke to your Dad? Asked him how he felt? It could be that your Dad is very happy in this relationship, and enjoys his girlfriend taking the lead. Talk to him about your worries, you say you are close so be honest with him.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (17 April 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntHonestly, I don't think she means anything bad; I think it's more of a case of you not liking her for obvious reasons and that's why she pisses you off.

I also don't think she's controlling his life per se and I think that whatever control she has, has been happily given to her by Dad. And even if she is, that's between them.

As long as your relationship with Dad doesn't suffer, I don't think you should let it bother you. If it still does, then talk to your father and tell him. He's your father after all, you should be able to tell him what you want

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017):

I think you're in a difficult situation because your Dad is with someone and it would be tough to say something to him (or her) without feeling like the bad one.

But in saying that, I do think you need to speak with one, if not both of them about it because your Dad especially is YOUR Dad and he needs to speak for himself and form his own opinions.

I think the best thing to do would be politely tell your Dad's girlfriend how it makes you feel when she answers for him. Probably not a good idea to do it when there is a heated argument as it will only escalate the situation. If you decide to speak with both of them about it, make sure you are straight to the point, yet polite about it at the same time. Tell her that you respect her opinions, but would rather hear it from your Dad as he was the one you asked in the first place.

Another option is to speak with your Dad alone. Tell him how it makes you feel when she answers for him and how you want to hear "his" opinions, rather than the opinion of his girlfriend. I'm sure he'll understand, he probably thinks the same thing but is afraid to say anything to her (or you for that matter)

Conversation is the only thing that is going to solve this problem. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for her to break her bad habit. Good Luck.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 April 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou dad is an adult and (we assume) of sound mind. What does HE think of all this? Is he happy for her to do all the work and make all the plans on his behalf? Some people are happy to just sit back while others sort out their lives for them. It is good that his girlfriend appears happy for him to keep up regular contact with is children.

Can you get your dad alone and have this conversation with him to see what HIS view is on this? Can you organize contact with just the two of you, without the girlfriend present, where you can share quality father/daughter time together without her getting involved? (I would not be afraid to appear rude in this request and actually tell her you would like to share some time alone with your father if she pushes to be involved.)

If your dad has become financially dependent on his girlfriend, maybe she feels he is dependent in other ways as well and just gets on with organising their lives.

The texting off his mobile without announcing it is her is a bit worrying, unless he has actually asked her to do it.

To me she just sounds like she feels insecure in the relationship and is trying to get involved as much as possible with you. I would try to talk to your dad on his own and admit how you feel and see what he says. Perhaps he could ask her to tone it down a little so that you don't feel like there are 3 people in the relationship between you and your dad.

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