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His work routine is disrupting our life

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 14 January 2018)
A female Ireland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone. I’m looking for some advice on a situation I’m in atm. My partner has just taken a new job and hour and a half away but gives himself two hours to get there to beat traffic. He leaves at 6am and gets home about 8. An hour later than his last job. He has family in that area and everyone is telling him to stay there a few nights a week to save him from driving. The thing is we have a 9 month old baby and I’ve two children from a previous relationship. We are two years into our relationship and i just feel like I don’t have a say in anything. I could understand if he was a serious treck away but he’s doing the same hours basically as before. If I say I don’t like the fact he’s gonna be staying away then I’m just dismissed as not trusting him or being awkward. Am I not allowed to have a say or will he always listen to his family first? Maybe I’m being unfair but nobody asked him to take the job when he could have tried to get a job closer to home.

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (14 January 2018):

boo22 agony auntHe's working hard to provide for you and the kids

You should be supporting him

He's not out in bars and playing other women so I think you should count your blessings .

Yes it's difficult when the child care is left to you but that's your situation right now but it won't be like that forever remember.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI don't see the problem here. If he wants to stay over a couple off nights a week so he does not have to do so much driving each day is that such a bad thing? I mean I get why you wouldn't want to uproot the children every week but why can't he stay with family if he is feeling tired? Believe it or not even though he is still working the same hours, driving can be difficult after a day at work and especially when he is up so early. Is it a case off you don't want him staying away over night because you will be alone with the children? Or is it a case off you don't trust him? The way I see it is he is a grown man and if he is tired then I would be telling him to stay a night or two a week at his families so that he gets a good rest. I can't see your problem with this at all. His family offering him somewhere to sleep is a good thing, it doesn't sound like they are telling him what to do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

His family live in the town we live in at present he only had a few members where his job is and has no intention of moving there as he is a home bird and loves where we are. He’s made that clear from the start. He’s very good to my children and our baby. He’s tired when he’s back from work and he only has Sunday’s off. I do everything with the baby at night as he needs his sleep because he’s up early. Yes this was to climb the ladder and I never said he needed to ask my permission to take it but wish he had taken on my views before taking the position as I do not want him to be away from home. There are positions for his line of work near us but he wanted to go there. It was only when he took the position that him staying away came into the conversation. As I said, these are pretty much the same hours as he had been doing in his previous job.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

Maybe you could find yourself a nice place closer to his job. You don't always have the luxury of finding work close to home; and having three kids to support doesn't allow him too much time to be picky about gainful-employment. I'm sure it would have crossed his mind how convenient it would be to have a shorter commute; but the scarcity of work and heavy competition for jobs gives you little choice, but to grab what's available. You also have to consider the pay. You usually leave a job for something better.

In any case, there has be compromise and adjustment. A man with three kids should come home every night. Before having a third child with a man who didn't ask to be your husband first; allows him the flexibility or freedom husbands don't have. He still views you as his girlfriend, not his wife. You just so happened to get pregnant. You're still not his wife. Seems he's putting a little distance between him and family-life.

During your courtship, you had the opportunity to determine what kind of man you're committing yourself to; and what kind of relationship you wished to share with him. If you don't have say now, you must have gotten some clues he's the type that prefers to make all the decisions.

I'm afraid where he works is more his decision. He can discuss it with you; but you might be pushing it bit to think you have any right to tell someone else where they ought to work. He would have a lot of nerve telling you where or when you could work. It could come-up in discussion to prepare your partner for change; but the final-decision is yours. Some decisions require both partners in-agreement; and some are your's alone to make.

He's not your husband; so maybe he just doesn't feel you have the right or authority to make decisions together like partners within the framework of marriage.

You will have to adapt to things as they are for now. If he cares for you and the kids; you will have to trust him to make the necessary adjustments regarding where he stays to keep the family-unit close and content. The best remedy is finding a closer place to live. Suggest that, and I think he will agree.

You might need to have a heart-to-heart talk about how decisions affecting the family should be made. If he doesn't care to talk or to listen; then you allowed yourself to be impregnated by the wrong guy.

If he is to be a good provider, he sometimes has to make tough decisions that require logic versus emotion. Your input may influence his decisions; but he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who will seek your permission to do things. He'll just do them. You either show a more assertive side of yourself; or feel intimidated and let him have his way all the time.

When you find yourself coupled with a partner or spouse who acts independently and never takes your feedback or contribution into consideration. That is incompatibility, and a breakdown in communication. If you can never create a bridge of communication between you and your partner; then you start to consider ending that autonomous-style of relationship. You had a baby, so that's not an easy option.

Maybe he feels you have a very submissive or passive-personality; so he feels he has to wear the pants, and call the shots. He's a take-charge kind of guy; so you have to be a more take-charge type of woman to level the playing-field.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntIt depends on what line of work he is in, sometimes (and you KNOW this) taking a job a little ways away is the only way to move up in a job, further a career and/or network for an even better job.

He shouldn't have to be ASKED to get a new job, nor should he really ask your permission. He wanted to further his career, change scenery (work-wise) or even get closer to home.

Has he not mentioned wanting to live closer to home at some point? My guess is... yes. So when a job opened up, he took it.

Now do I think he should have TALKED to you about the job opportunity and listened to your opinion about it? Yes, I think that is what couples do.

I think you need to tell him how it makes you feel when he just decides to leave YOU and the kids for days so he can spend time with his family.

If you are not working yourself, could it be a possibility to move CLOSER to the new job? If he sees himself having opportunities here.

It seems to me like the two of you don't communicate well at all. Does he not help out at ALL with the kids?

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