A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So both me and my partner (let's call him Alex) are 23 and we've been together since we were 19. I live in shared housing at Uni but Alex is studying from home. After the first few months of getting together we were allowed to stay at each other's houses like my big brother was allowed and so's my little brother (now he's 18) with their partners. Alex's family is pretty much the same, or should I say was. His mum recently got a new partner (let's call him Mark) and during the time he moved in I wasn't allowed to stay over, which was weird, but I was like ok, give the guy a break. Mark has 2 kids one who's 18 living at home and an older son who doesn't. No problem so far right? Wrong. His children have never been allowed to have a partner stay over and is now forcing the rule at Alex's house. Sure there's my house, but in shared housing I'm in a room with Hailey and I think it's unfair to her for Alex to stay since he'd be in her room too and I don't like sending anyone to the couch. When I visit my Mum he can stay over with me, but it's my kiddie room and not much space in my kiddie bed for us both. So after that major intro I doubt anyone will read I get to the question. When I go to visit my boyfriend I feel Mark is putting up an impossible barrier and I don't have the money to keep paying for us to stay at a hotel every time I go to visit when I used to be able to stay with him and I don't want to invade my mums home just so I can sleep together with my long term boyfriend. What can I do? Any person who's the same or has an opinion or maybe you're like Mark, please can you give us some advice because these last few months for us have been really tough, we keep arguing about it and I feel like the whole of Alex's family no longer want me even though I know it's just the way that Mark is and I'd hate to have made it through college and Uni just to be seperated by his step-dad. I really live him, but it's so physically/emotionally draining to know I can't just have him there for me anymore in his room which we'd kinda made like our own house inside the house, but now I've been evicted. Mega long, I apologise, but please any help??!!!! I'm desperate!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 September 2014):
 Agreed that it's his house/their house... their rules.
yes it's hypocritical if they are sharing a bed but not married BUT, they pay the bills so it's their call.
Often relationships go through periods where you can't be physically intimate... until you two get your own place, this is one of those times.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (10 September 2014):
 Hi
My aunt once told her late husbands friend Tony and his partner they could not share a room together under her roof as they were not married and she was in fact disgusted they assumed when they stayed over that they would be allowed to sleep together - they were in their 60s and Tony was widowed as was his girlfriend. They were a bit taken aback at being told they couldn't sleep together after being together for six years and both having been married to different people for many years before losing their previous partners.
Yet they had to obey as it was my aunts house, her rules.
Mark
(But not THE Mark who wont let you sleep with you boyfriend, ie: someone different.)
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (10 September 2014):
I'm afraid that I agree with the other aunts in that it's Mark's house now too, and since him and your boyfriend's Mum have decided together that you can no longer stay, then there's nothing you can do.
It seems like Mark is uncomfortable with the idea of his son/the 'children' having people over to stay, which is an incredibly common thing amongst parents, and therefore the parents have to enforce that rule for all 'children' living in the house at that time.
To be honest, I don't understand why it's such a big deal. I lived at home until I was 26 due to studying and my boyfriend of 5 years was never allowed to stay over. He lived in dorms at a different uni that didn't allow overnight guests, so we would just visit, spend time together then go our separate ways. We now live together so it's all good, but before then it was never a source of arguments between us. We still got to see each other and have sex and everything, but accepted that we had to respect other peoples rules until we had enough money to move out.
Why is sleeping in the same room enough of an issue that it can cause so many arguments and almost split you both up? You will likely face much tougher problems than this over the years, so I suggest you find a way to deal with these things together rather than arguing about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): Think it's time you guys rented a room somewhere together. The rules have changed and that's a parents prerogative. Makes things a whole lot more simpler if you have your own space for the two of you.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (10 September 2014):
 I have to say it's a bit hypocritical of Alex's mom's partner to be living with Alex's mom (while not married to her) but enforcing a rule that HER adult child can't have sleepovers.
That said, if Alex's mom has nothing further to say on the matter, then "their" rules have essentially changed, and while "their house, their rules" used to allow you to stay over, you have no choice but to respect the fact that it is still their home. While there, you'll have to respect their rules, even new and inconsistent rules.
Kudos to you for being respectful of your roommate, who is paying for half of a dorm room and not a couch in the common room.
I am assuming you work at least part time if you have been paying for hotel stays so far, but if you don't have one, part-time work might be a good place to start. And if Alex has a job of his own, perhaps you can take turns paying for a hotel room. I'm assuming he likes the intimacy as much as you do, so there's no reason you should be paying for a hotel 100% of the time, especially when it's his parents' home that's now out of bounds, not yours. Unless it's going to cause him extreme financial hardship you would not be out of line to ask that he share this cost with you.
Other than that, there isn't much you can do besides save up for a place of your own; renting a room in a house together is likely to be your least costly option in that regard, less expensive than getting your own place all to yourselves right off the bat.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 Mark has evey right to enforce whatever guidlines he feels appropriate for his kid or kids. You really have no say in the matter. There can't be that much of a "need" to have sleepovers [or whatever you want to call them] that you think you need to make a big deal out of this. It sounds from an outsider like a spoiled kid wanting his way and if something stands in his way, he will just throw a hissey fit! Grow up and learn to live with others.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 Sorry, I'm with Mark on this one. I have to be comfortable with what's going on under my roof. Perhaps to your generation it's nothing out of the ordinary to expect to sleep together where ever you happen to be -- my eldest daughter seemed to think so -- but it's not to lots of older folks. The people who sleep together under my roof are those who have made a formal commitment (i.e. marriage). I admit it seems inconsistent to acknowledge that my kids are having sex elsewhere but not permitting it in my home. So sue me -- I have the right to be inconsistent.
My daughter's boyfriend couldn't find a place to live, so I let him stay at our place. I didn't think I had to spell it out, but when he thought he could live with her in her bedroom I had to speak up. I should probably be glad that my daughter didn't absorb my sexual hang-ups. But I have them and it's my home and my rules.
If you want to live as adults then get your own home where you can make your own rules.
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