A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Partner and i have been living together for 2yrs however we have just moved back to our home town to be closer to both our familes. However his sister is driving me nuts! We plan weekends away and she has begun to invite herself along too( clearly the saying 3s a crowd isn't working). this is driving us apart as she really is driving a wedge between us, what can i do? he thinks i'm being stupid but whenever the 3 of us are togther i'm the one on the outer, is this right? or is it me with the problem, she seems to be doing and saying things deliberatly that really get to me and make me look like the one with the issues.Help! am i being unreasonable? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (1 April 2007):
 The only way that I can see excluding her is to keep your travel plans to yourselves and mention that you are going out of town when you ARE - in fact - going out of town. If your boyfriend has to include his sister in every waking convesation, that is another matter. Put your foot down and don't discuss your trip in advance. He needs to see you as his priority. That's how couples manage within the framework of extended family. Wife (partner, girlfriend) comes first, then children (if you have any), then parents, then siblings, etc. Try a few trips on your own with the promise to compromise by including her in every other or third trip - that's pretty fair. Like Farris said, the novelty will wear off, and in the mean time, you'll have a partner-in-crime to go shopping with if she tags along. Try killing her with kindness too, she'll have no idea what you're up to! You can't pick family, she always be around so you'll have to find someway of dealing with her personally. He will always love his sister, so try to see what he sees in her. Don't rise to the bait if she brings up issues, try to ignore it and change the subject. Don't allow personal issues between you and yor boyfriend to become a three way conversation, some things ARE your business only. In time, once you have established boundrys, she may turn out to become a good friend (and future babysitter?). It's possible that she is jealous of your closeness to her brother, so always make sure she understands that you love him and do everything for his happiness. The more she sees that your love is unselfish and good for her brother, the more she'll lighten up. Remember the ONE thing that you BOTH have in common - is your love for him. I'm sure in time, things will improve and right now it's early days. Hang in there, He sounds like he's worth it! A lot of guys have no time for their family when they get older, so he sounds like he has a big heart. Hope this gave you a bit of encouragement, Best of Luck.
A
female
reader, Farris  +, writes (1 April 2007):
 It is not unreasonable for you to want to spend time alone with your partner, but it's also not reasonable for your partner to want to spend time with his family. You should sit down with him and discuss how much time he spends with each separately AND all together.
It sounds to me a bit like his sister doesn't approve of you, but you shouldn't confront her about this because it will only promote an even worse image of you to the rest of the family (trying to cause trouble, or etc) so you really should just tell your partner how his sister is making you feel.
Of course there is just the possibility of his sister just enjoying the fact that he is so close to home again and enjoys seeing him again... It may just be a novelty that wears off.
Just try to talk to your partner about it and make it known that you're feeling a little left out and that, although you're okay spending time with his family, you really miss the alone time that the two of you used to have.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007): Have a chat with her and ask her why she is trying to make out that you are the one with the problems. Maybe she just doesn't realise how far she's going. Also tell her to stop inviting herself to things between your partner and you. If she doesn't get the message and refuses to change her ways have a chat with your partner and tell him that if he really loves you he'll sort out his sister. Hopefully he'll budge otherwise you are a bit stuck. Unless you leave him.
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A
male
reader, nologo  +, writes (1 April 2007):
 I am afraid that you are being reasonable.
Looks like this situation has been planned.
His sister wants to separate you from him.
You made a mistake moving back to home town.
Driving him away from Family may not help you.
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