A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:DEAR cupid, my boyfriend I and have been together for a year and 1/2. We have been living together for a year. We have been experiencing issues and decided to end our realationship to work on ourselves and our relationship. This is where it gets confusing for me. Were moving out, back to our parents and our plan was to save for home. Last night I asked my "boyfriend" how can we save for a home if were not even in a serious relationship, he got really upset at me saying I'm deviating from the plan and that I dont believe in us. But it doesnt make sense to me I said I still want to save for a home but I think our main focus should be working on us getting back to a serious place then start saving because what if we both realize we just dont work. He just seems so frustrated with the conversation and made me feel like I'm drama filled. I feel like when I express my feelings to him it's just unbearable for him and makes me not even what to talk to him. I dont know what to do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): Here's another male's point of view. He's really getting used to the separation and his freedom. No more fights and no more drama! He didn't want to initiate the breakup, but now he has taken the advantage. He has the room to wiggle-out of the relationship without looking like the bad-guy. He knew you wouldn't agree to a final-breakup; so he compromised for the next best thing. A time-out!
My guess is, the time apart will grow longer and longer!
If you do get back together; it's likely you'll start a cycle of an on-again/off-again-relationship. Wasting your youth, the viability of your eggs, and gambling with your precious-time.
He has no intention of moving back with you, and risking his credit and intertwining his income for a mortgage; when you're not even compatible in a rental-property! Getting a mortgage is the 21st-century way of wrangling a commitment out of people who are flaky, and won't consider marriage. If that doesn't work, then you throw-in a baby. That's getting even deeper into the muck!
If this guy is 30 or over, and you've been having some serious incompatibility-issues; don't count on getting back together. Don't you see how quickly he tossed blame on you for not believing in the relationship? Why is he being so hypersensitive and volatile, if he really felt you're going to get back together?
He's trying to let you get used to separation. He has finally gotten away from you; but the pretense is to make you believe he wants what you want. You know his personality, I'm only speculating here. Your post says you're thinking what I'm thinking!
A man his age is too set in his ways to be that pliable or dependable after you've separated. He's biding his time, and thinking of a clever way to escape. He wants to avoid any fallout or drama. Just a clean split. You haven't accepted the possibility that this is it. I bet he has! He'll make it all your fault.
You'll break your back going completely out of your way to fix things. He'll always have an excuse to stay apart.
You'll see.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 March 2019):
 I'm with Cindy, why on EARTH buy a house with a guy you aren't married to? OR even DATING seriously?
I'm surprised that a couple of people in their 30's are this unrealistic about life.
WHY on EARTH would you buy a house with this man, if he can't even consider WORKING on the relationship? It makes no sense!
And if you are in your mid-30's.. WHY are you moving home with your parents so YOU can save up money for a house? You are a GROWN ass woman and should be taking care of yourself at this age and if you want to save up as well, then either get a second job, more hours, tighten your budget.
I think this guy is a WASTE of your time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2019):
 Well, of course you are deviating from the plan ! The plan was meant for a couple, now there's no couple anymore , so the plan must necessarily change. Why would you want to save and help him to buy a house, when you could use the same money to buy a house with another person, for instance the next man in your life ( in case you and the ex can't patch things up ) ?
This is so obvious, that I think he is pretending not to get it. Maybe he is so keen in getting a house ( and can't see a way to do that without your money too ), that he hopes you won't notice how impractical the plan has become .
Or maybe you and him gave different weight and meaning to this separation. Another case of " we were on a break " ? :)
You called it " ending our relationship ", which means : a proper break-up, although with the hope and intention ( but not the certainty ) to fix your relationship issues.
He , OTH, seems to think that your going back each to your parents is just a temporary retrenching, but somehow pretty soon you will end up together again. Which is either pretty sweet, or pretty smug of him…. either way, stick to your guns ( and keep your money for yourself ). It makes no sense to buy a house together with an ex, or a casual lover ,- then might as well share your savings with the first guy who passes by. ( Actually, to me personally it does not even make sense to co-own a house with a man you are not MARRIED with, but maybe I am being too old-school in that ).
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (20 March 2019):
 I’m with you. Who on earth would want to save for a house with someone they’re not in a relationship with? That makes no sense whatsoever.
The very fact that you’ve broken up shows you’re not a good match! Forget the house plan, move on a find the right person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): The plan is the plan! Even if it sucks.
If the plan was to save for a home together then yeah it sucks. If the plan is to gently and smoothly break up with you, with the possibility getting back together whilst simultaneously saving for a future home for himself( maybe you too) then it's genius.
Perhaps he's more realistic than you. Perhaps you aren't a good match. If you need to work on yourselves separately--don't make plans together. Really don't.
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