A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my bf 2 months officially. The first month he was paying for almost everything and I felt like a real lady. Now things have started to be split 50:50. He recently invited me on function with his mates and the cost was $150 per head. I said I didn't want to go, to give him time with his mates without me. He asked if I was sure and I said, "yes, besides its a bit expensive." And he said "ok no worries".I had hoped he would've said that if cost was an issue then he would cover it for me, but he didnt. He was also the one asking me to attend, so I feel that etiquette is that he should be covering the cost? I feel as if the roles were reveresed I would've covered the cost of his ticket.Ever since things have started to be split 50:50 my feelings for him are becomeing less and less. I feel less like a lady, less special, more like a mate. And its bad because intially I fell hard for him and we literally just met each others families. He has never introduced a gf to his family before. I don't know what to do. I feel as though I am beginning to resent him, and in turn resent myself because my feelings are changing based on how our dating expenses are being split.My last bf and I had the same problem. He expected everything to be split 50:50 and I cant handle it.It makes me feel so unloved, un cared for and like I'm not important. Please tell me if I'm justified or crazy. How can I stop this feeling and be in love again regardless of who pays what.
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female
reader, Lowipop  +, writes (15 August 2015):
I think a guy should pay for the woman on dates. One of the reasons men do this is to show that if you were to get pregnant, he could afford to feed you and a baby should it come to that. The fact that he is no longer interested in "supporting you" shows that he is....well....no longer interested in supporting you. You and the baby would be on your own....should it come to that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): I see what you are trying to say, however you could look at this another way. 50/50 is like 'sharing' and sharing is like been 'together', you know that word 'we'.I think you have other issues underneath this thought system.Just because some boyfriend's or husband's may 'pay for it all'this does not make their partner more special or lovable.You should not place monetary things on your personal'value'.My partner treats me when he feels like it, as i do for him, but for the majority we just join all our money in the kittie and share, which is like 50/50. It's this togetherness that I like, and regarding been'mates' this is a very important part of relationships. My partner is my lover and my best mate and this combination can make a 'special' relationship.Change your perspective it is already proving to make you unhappy and lacking in self esteem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): your feelings may be telling you something and you may be clocking it up as money talk, but what if it was really important to you? I think $150 is expensive and $300 is extortionate for a night out. What you need to tell yourself is that this was not your night.Your boyfriend doesnt have the funds and he is a 50/50 guy financially.He will expect you to earn a living and contribute to the mortgage if you ever settled down with him.Does he trat you in a way that makes you feel amazing or is it all feeling like a deadend?Do you want to love a man for his money or his personality.You could always watch the film Titanic where kate winslette is trapped in a loveless arranged marriage until she meets leonardo di caprio...but poverty is no indication of future happiness any more than wealth is, so you are right to think about what you want out of life now and in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): For what it's worth, my boyfriend pays for everything because I'm looking for a job. I hate it. It's nice sometimes, but it just feels like he won't let me pay for anything and I feel uncomfortable with it. I don't want someone I love to keep paying for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): I can understand how op feels slightly it is nice to be wined and dined once in a while
If my boyfriend and I go for a meal he usually pays because he wants to
However I wouldn't expect him to pay $150 for me to go to an event (unless maybe it was my birthday) we are going on holiday soon I'm paying for myself I wouldn't want him to
Pay for me I work and i have got my own money
Independent women for the win!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): If your partner was to say the same thing to you;
"I'm ending this relationship unless you pay for me on every date we go on in future. Otherwise I don't want to be with you and I'm ending the relationship"
How would you react?
Give it some thought.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 August 2015):
 The problem stems with the fact that you need a man to pay for you so that you feel like a lady. Sadly, you are in for a big shock if you don't change the way you think. What on earth makes you feel that its a man's job to pay for a woman, that too in today's day and age? If it were me, I would feel almost offended if a man kept offering to pay for me because I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and I don't need anyone's charity!
"Ever since things have started to be split 50:50 my feelings for him are becoming less and less." Well if this is the attitude that you carry then you're in for a lot of broken relationships. I think most men these days would like to be with independent women and most women would like to be equals in the relationship. If you get into relationships with the expectation that the guy will pay for you every step of the way then that's just your problem. You're setting yourself up for disappointments. Any maybe, just maybe the guy has realized that you're a freeloader and that's why he's putting his foot down now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 August 2015):
 I think when he "invite" you to an event as his +1 the cost should be on him. However I can see how $300 to BRING you (versus $150) can be a big steep for most young guys your age.
I think saying I'd love to come, but I can't afford a $150 ticket was the right thing for you to do. It would have given him to chance to either "help" pay some of it or all of it, a it was HIS plan/invitation to go.
As for going out? I think going Dutch (you pay your part, he pays his, take turn tipping) is the most fair. I think in many cases 50/50 isn't always "fair" because most women tend to eat and drink less.
A guy paying for you doesn't mean he CARES more.
You are a young (independent, I hope) woman, who should be able to pay her own way. He is not your parent, nor does he owe you to pay for everything.
Do you know how his finances are? Does he make a lot more than you? Or are you on the same level financially?
A guy paying for you doesn't mean you are "more" special to him then one who goes 50/50 or Dutch. If the guy you are seeing DOESN'T make you feel special ASIDE from paying/not paying then you have a problem.
If him not paying makes you feel less attracted to him, are you then... dating his wallet or him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): Could you genuinely not afford it?
If you couldn't, it's too much for him to pay for you.
If you could, but wanted to see if he'd pay for you, that manipulative and quite unfair.
Chances are, he couldn't pay $300 for you both to go.
Honestly, you really need to figure out why the money makes you feel loved and special. Most people can't afford to cover the bill much any more. Does he really do nothing else that makes you feel special? *That* would be an issue - the money thing shouldn't be such an issue. There's a big difference between covering $50 on a meal and $300....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (14 August 2015):
 heya Aunts
The asker does say "He was also the one asking me to attend, so I feel that etiquette is that he should be covering the cost? I feel as if the roles were reveresed I would've covered the cost of his ticket", so she is not saying the boyfriend should always be paying.
I wouldn't have a problem with the regular dates being 50/50 or even taking turns to pay (although even that can appear to be a little uneven at times) but for the big expensive outings I think the person who asks the other should be prepared to pay.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (14 August 2015):
 OP, men likes this only want to split MONEY 50/50. They don't mind if you take on the lion's share of effort and sacrifice.
I totally understand wanting financial security and being fiscally frugal but since his true mistress is money, I recommend you not waste your time and effort trying to compete. Enjoy those events you want to attend with him but perhaps consider scaling back your emotional investment.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (14 August 2015):
Isn’t this a little shallow? Why do you need some-one to pay everything for you to feel loved, cared for and important? Perhaps if this is an on-going issue in relationships, it is because you place an unhealthy degree of importance on money. I’m not suggesting that you are necessarily materialistic by any means, but you assume that a man’s way of showing a girl that she is special is to open his wallet, but it isn’t. This event sounds expensive. Perhaps he couldn’t afford to cover your costs as well, and since he wasn’t putting you under any pressure to attend, I don’t see any reason why it would have been a matter of etiquette for him to do so?
I think there are 2 possibilities here. Either your preoccupation with money is making you turn a blind eye to any other way he is trying to make you feel special, or he himself isn’t doing anything else and so the money was the thing that you thought he was using to show you how much you mean to him. What about paying you compliments? What about the fact that he invited you to join the event in the first place? What about the things he does to make the time you spend together enjoyable? And what about the fact that he probably hopes he’s paid up in full often enough by now for you to be assured that he cares for you and thinks you’re special?
You certainly come off as selfish and money-orientated in the way you write this, but only you know whether that’s true, or whether you have simply taken money to be a shortcut to feeling assured that your partners care for you and value you. If it’s the former, this guy isn’t for you. If the latter, try and open your mind more to his qualities and other ways he’s showing you he cares, and remember that money doesn’t grow on trees.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2015):
 So if you define how a person feels about you by spending money on you and not splitting it 50/50 what does HE do to define your love? since you spending money on him is not your choice....
if you are working then you need to be pulling your own fiscal weight...
We had a rule when we were dating he who invited paid...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): Hope would you feel he was the one who wanted to be treated special ... that he would like you to cover most of the costs rather than a 50/50 split. Double standard! My folks put all their money together, pay the bills abd get the food etc then they split money left over equal to spend/save as each individual sees fit. A relationship is give and take so if you can't handle that then maybe you are not ready for a relationship.
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