A
female
age
36-40,
*reelyn
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. I love him very much and I know he loves me too but our sex life has always been dysfunctional and at times non existent. I am 21 and he is 43, he has some trouble maintaining an erection and says he just isn't interested in sex, he tells me "it's not you" over and over, but gets very angry when I still feel insecure. He buys porn a lot and for the first year, he told me he just bought it to resell it but that he didn't watch it.About 8 months ago I found out that was a lie and that he does masturbate to it sometimes. So I asked him to please not watch it until our sex life is normal, he agreed but I found an opened video the other night and we got into a fight and his response is "it's my money so I should be able to do whatever I want with it"... am I out of line for feeling extremely insecure about myself over the fact that he sometimes watchs porn but has little interest in me?? I love him and don't want to break up, so what should I do??
View related questions:
erection, insecure, money, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (20 November 2008):
 I agree with DiovanLestat. The problem is his poor sex drive and his poor sexual performance. The fact that he can masturbate to porn only highlights this.
Don't make porn into the enemy. If you want it to be the enemy, it will be the enemy. If you want it to be your friend, it could well become your friend.
The issue is this guy's inability to get it up. I'm 54 and I don't have that kind of problem at all. It's not his age.
It is, in the end, quite possible that addiction to porn IS the reason for his bad performance. But your first priority should be to get him interested in having sex with you. Once you're getting enough, his viewing a bit of porn will shrink into relative insignificance. If nothing happens despite all your efforts, and if you find out that porn is not just a "sometimes thing", you will need to start dealing with it.
But first things first. What is this guy's problem in bed? And is there something you can do to help? He may have problems in the sexual department that you can fix.
(Just to give you an idea of what I mean, I can get hard and stay hard if the woman is soft, slow, and sensual. But if she starts acting like a rodeo-rider, I lose it very quickly. Perhaps he needs something special to keep him hard. Find out what things turn him on. If you can figure out what will help him keep an erection, you may be able to do it for him. Of course, it might be a little offputting if he says he can't maintain an erection unless you do something kinky like... I don't know... put your finger in his anus or something like that. But you at least need to try and understand what is going on. You can't go on like you are now.)
A
female
reader, IGetIt  +, writes (19 November 2008):
DionvonLestat, he also has a porn problem and the poster should address this as well as his dysfunction. 42 is NOT that old. I suspect his sex life is affected by his porn usage. This happens a lot despite men saying that they use because they are SUCH sexual beings. Not all, but a significant number are sexually dysfunctional, and yes, while this is embarrassing for the, the poster should not tip-toe around the situation constantly keeping in mind HIS feelings. She needs to consider he own pain and how best to deal with it.
He needs professional help. I would advise you to encourage him to get it and let him know you will lovingly be there every step of the way. and that you will participate in his therapy if his therapist agrees this is a good ideal. But if he balks, take a hike and get on with your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Sounds like he's dependent on porn. He can't function sexually without it. This doesn't bode well for your sexual future, unless he finds a way to branch out from it. It's all very well and good to use porn to start off sex every now and then, but to rely on it completely? A healthy sexual being is capable of being aroused by their partner, sans other stimuli. Perhaps it is his age that is making it difficult, I imagine that doesn't help. Viagra perhaps, could help? And boycotting porn for a few weeks so that he can start to see the value of YOU as a sexual being instead of investing all his erotic energy in fantasy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Hello Breelyn.
Get him into therapy as soon as possibe, recent studies have shown that porn can affect a mans sex drive towards his partner or wife. Don't hang about or the problem could get worse.
If he cares for you he will get the help required, and you will be back on course for a loving, sexual, spiritual relationship, as it should be.
Good luck for the future
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Hi Breelyn,
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. You are a young 21year old, of course you want to have sex with your guy. I notice that he is a lot older, at 43, some men do find themselves slowing down sexually, the peak time for sex for a man is usually in his 20's. He may have noticed that he dosen't need sex so much and he may be upset about that and embarrassed as well.. You have every right to explain that it is not fair for him to masterbate if he can't have sex and fullfill you. I wouldn't suggest you ask him to get rid of the pornography, but maybe when he is arroused and excited he comes to you instead. Some older guys find it difficult to get stimulated, and he is perfectly right to say "it's not because of you". Your young and probably beautiful, he's the one with the problems, not you. A good suggestion is to bring the pornography into the bedroom, hopefully it will spark his desire and then you can go back to having sex. But tell him you miss having sex with him, ask him to come to you and give you the relief, intimacy and closeness that you both need.
Other things that could be going on with him is maybe his testerone is low and he might need some help from a doctor. He could be under a lot of stress and using porn as a way to hide away from reality and just relax. Or he could feel under pressure to keep you, a young and beautiful woman, satisfied in bed. Compared to your beautiful, young body, he may feel like a dirty old man, and not good enough for you.
Don't tackle the pornography, leave that alone. But tackle the no sex thing. Ask him what sexual things he likes, what would turn him on. Try to seduce him with sexy clothes, massages and new techniques to tempt him back into the bedroom. You are lonely, I understand that. Try to find a romantic time when you can be together, then bring the subject of your relationship up and ask him why he doesn't seem to want you any more. No shouting, no arguing, just ask him what can you do to help make your relationship together more stronger and loving than ever. Good luck, blessings.
PS: Remember he has the sexual problem not you, so go easy on him, this kind of thing is embarrassing for men.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Do as "qcumbr 1" suggested, you might never look back.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Trust me, he probably masturbates to porn every day (or as much as he can). His inability to have sex with you will not go away if you get rid of his porn. He'll probably just masturbate without porn. Some guys find it hard to stay interested in sex with one woman. If you need the sex, see if he's willing to discuss having an open relationship.
...............................
|
