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His (now pregnant) one night stand is causing angst for us. Do I stand by my man and help him through this difficult time or leave?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health, Pregnancy, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2015) 11 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2015)
A female United States age 36-40, *elk1708 writes:

Please help. My boyfriend of 5 years and i took a break.

During this time he had a one night stand with a condom.

Two months later we started going to counseling and everything seemed to be working out. He even proposed marriage and our communication was better than ever.

Then two months later the one night stand showed up at his door and said she's pregnant. Side note after the one night stand she started showing up at his house and work.

He never gave her his address to either.

She even went as far as tapping on windows in the middle if the night to find out which room was his . She woke up all his room mates.

He went to the ultrasoubd appt with her and the dates check out with the one night they had sex.

She threatened him that if he does not find her a place to live and move in with her she will take the baby out of state and he will never see his child.

He wants to be involved in the child's life and she is manipulating him with this.

He told her that i will be in his life no matter what and nothing romantic will ever happen between them. She will not accept this.

I tried, for the baby's sake, to offer my friendship. She wants nothing to do with me.

Again this was a one night stand.

My question is do i stand by my man and help him through this difficult time or leave?

Obviously that is what she wants and i wont let her push me out but its a hard situation.

View related questions: a break, condom, one night stand, roommate

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOP, This woman (and her baby which I'm really WONDERING if it's your BF's baby) are NOT YOUR CIRCUS, NOT YOUR MONKEYS

do not let HER insanity drag you down.

IF the baby is his (and like I said he can't tell until the baby is born but they can do a cheek swab in the delivery room) then ONCE the baby is born (AND he has proof it is his child) he has a legal and moral obligation (AND RIGHT) to this child.

UNTIL HE (yes HE not YOU) knows if it's his child he has no need to worry or be obligated to this woman. HE OWES HER NOTHING.

AND YOU have NO CONTROL over her or what she does or says.

You might as well let it go.

Again, he needs a good family lawyer NOW... get everything in place.... IF the DNA proves HIS paternity... then you can worry about your bf and his child but until he knows it's his child why invest any effort into this whack a loon baby mama and her drama?

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A female reader, melk1708 United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

melk1708 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much for all the responses. I greatly appreciate it.

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A female reader, melk1708 United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

melk1708 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your comments. Again i really appreciate you taking the time to answer my question. I think the last commenter didn't read my question correctly. We were broken up when he had the ons. It wasnt cheating. It did still hurt me though but weve gone to counseling and ive forgiven him for that. My main question is how to deal with this pregnancy and this difficult girl.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015):

I would be questioning whether he's told you the whole truth...she just turns up at his work and home? Is this really a one night stand or a short term fling?

I don't know how you can stand by him, I wouldn't want anything to do with a man who had gone behind my back and is now fathering a child. Even if, once the child is born and DNA tests show it is not his child, I don't know how people ever trust someone who cheated.

If her stalking like behaviour continues he should report her to the police.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015):

Whilst I appreciate you love this guy you must realise your life is going to be forever complex and be prepared for his emotions to completely change when the baby is born. This is going to get more not less messy. Though your intentions are kind I can't help feeling you are putting your needs last....last even to his one night stand and then there will be last to a new baby. All this energy you're expending sorting out this mess. There is such a thing as blind loyalty.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (30 March 2015):

Ciar agony auntHe needs to consult an attorney as soon as possible, and then arrange a paternity test. Like Abella said, a scan does not tell you who the father is. The dates might match up, but she could have been with dozens of other men within hours of being with your boyfriend. And I agree that her behaviour is absolutely over the top.

In my opinion, assuming for a moment that the paternity test confirms he is the father, he really doesn't need to be heavily involved with her. There is no reason for him to accompany her to doctor's appointment and ultrasounds etc, but that would be up to them. He shouldn't feel obliged is my point.

It is important that you let HIM handle this. YOU observe and take notes. If he doesn't hire an attorney and follow that advice, and makes no real effort to help himself here, then I strongly urge you to cut him loose. Do NOT make rules or give him ultimatums. He has enough pressure right now and this is something HE has to handle. Do NOT get involved. Do not attempt to communicate in any way with her. This is not meant to shut you out but to put the work, stress and responsibility where it belongs - on HIS shoulders, not YOURS. Why should he get the party while you get the mess?

Remember, you're in an ideal position here. You can walk away any time. It might be painful, but you'll get through it. Don't lose sight of that. You go about your business as you normally would. Oh, and don't allow him to turn all of your time together into a therapy session.

Good luck.

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A female reader, melk1708 United States +, writes (30 March 2015):

melk1708 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am so greatful for all of your responses and it seems i just need to be patient and wait. While also keeping my distance from anything related to her. Its really hard to do so cause its all i think about. Infact i am a neonatal nurse I work with babies and the topic is in my face all the time. I watch births every day. Im not sure how to get away from this and keep it out of my mind.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI agree he needs an attorney. FAST. NOW. find out what he needs to do to establish legal paternity and if he is not the BIO DAD.

He needs #1 to have a paternity test done. IF he is the father he then needs an order for visitation/custody and support payments. AND to keep crazy ONS out of your life, all of this should be handled through the courts until she can prove with her actions that she's stable enough to interact with the two of you.

DID the condom break? IF NOT, then it's not likely he's the dad and it sounds like the ONS is trying to get him to accept that he is the dad so he can be in HER life, not the baby's.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntHe NEEDS to get a DNA test done ASAP (as soon as the child is born, to establish paternity)

A SCAN (US) is not a 100% certainly for what DATE the conception happened. With my 2nd baby I was given a window of 10 days. SO she could EASILY have been knocked up by another ONS. He did claim to have used a condom.

SHE has just decided that HE is it. And honestly, she doesn't sound stable AT all.

****She threatened him that if he does not find her a place to live and move in with her she will take the baby out of state and he will never see his child.***

THAT is NOT part of a father's responsibility. I'd say if they were a couple then yes, but they are NOT.

Also IF the child IS his, SHE can not do that. So yes, your BF needs to get hold of a lawyer.

If I were in your shoes I'd wait for the paternity test before deciding to go or stay. I'm NOT sure I'd stay if it turns out the baby is his, just for the FACT that the woman seems unstable and a little scary - I'd rather NOT deal with that kind of drama.

I'd also not attempt ANY kind of friendship with this woman. You BF and go to appointments if he so chooses - but I'd keep out of it. I'd advice him IF he asks, but THIS IS his mess.

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Abella agony auntThe Scan is not a DNA test. I suggest that your Bf also consult an attorney to prepare a Court application that requests a DNA test as soon as the baby is born.

The dates may appear to check out, but without a DNA positive test proving paternity I suggest that you both be very cautious around her.

Keep good security around your premises and call the Police if you ever find that she has attempted to enter your home illegally, without written permission.

She sounds obsessed and unbalanced. Just because a woman is pregnant does not mean that a pregnant woman resorts to this level of harassment.

In fact her behaviour is completely over the top.

Your Bf may have seemed like the nicest guy of the guys she had a one night stand with, around that time.

Your guy did use a condom.

This woman sounds like a real mountain of trouble in the future.

Communication only through an attorney may be the way to go.

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A female reader, melk1708 United States +, writes (30 March 2015):

melk1708 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for taking the time to reply @notsohappy. I appreciate your response. This is new territory for him how much should he be involved before the baby is actually born. I think he wants to do right by his child but keep his distance from her as much as possible. Afraid that she is delusionsal and may take the simplest things out of context.

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