A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am almost 22, and have been with my boyfriend, my third 'long term' relationship, for about two and a half years. We have an amazing relationship when it is just us, he got around a bit before me, but I was the one he chose to settle with. We are madly in love, and never really came out of the 'honeymoon' period. Some people say we're that couple that everyones hates.But every few months, our somewhat perfect world, is shaken by the hatred that his Mother has for me. Even though her son is now a grown man, she is reluctant to let him make his own choices and have any independance from her. He is still living at home, and given that when she gets into a mood, it can go on for weeks, he is desperate to keep her happy, as, typically male, he hates tension, even when there is just cause due to her unpleasantness. Indeed, I was 'banned' from his house between July and November of last year. She relented in November when it was his Birthday, and has allowed me there since, but not overnight.I desperately try to please her. I fix their computers when they get viruses, I lend her things such as my SatNav, but she never even thanks me. I read some really horrible things that she writes about me online, but still, I am as nice as I possibly can be to her, for the sake of my boyfriend. She is always trying to pick at things I do, to complain to my boyfriend about, in an attempt to make it as difficult for him to be with me as possible. Often they're things that I have done with good intentions, that she twists into me being 'controlling' as opposed to the truth, that i'm trying to be helpful.This week, she had the fortune of discovering something I had done, not in my relationship with my boyfriend, but elsewhere in life, that I shouldn't have. It was something minor that I had discussed with my boyfriend, and we had laughed off as one of those silly things you do when you're not thinking straight. His mother has proceeded to turn the event from molehill to mountain, insisting to him that I am a bad person, that he shouldn't be with me, and reinstating my ban from their family home. Although his Mothers interference doesn't change the fact that my boyfriend wasn't angry in the least with me for what I had done, he has, as a result, somewhat distanced himself from me. He has said that he wants space to 'get things straight in his head' and 'think about how it is going to work with me and his mum'. I am at a complete loss, and feel as though he is acting like a little boy and not a man. In a sense, I want him to stand up for me and support me as the woman he loves. But at the same time, I completely feel for him that he is stuck between the two women he cares for most and is trying to keep everyone happy. I just can't help but think that he should be here supporting me, as I'm quite upset and he must realise this, rather than hiding away at home. I need him, and he is badly letting me down. But he is very close to his mother, and has a lot of respect for her, although honestly, i'm somewhat unable to understand why, given her behaviour.I would love to get along with his mother, it would make it so much easier for everyone, but at the same time, I appreciate that I have tried and tried and really made no progress, she is extremely stubborn and refuses to change her ill formed opinion of me. I wish she would respect her sons choice to be with me and let us be happy, but she seems hell bent on making it as hard for us as possible. I'm now at the point where I almost think it maybe better to not have any contact with her, as she makes my life a misery, but i'll do whatever my boyfriend wants as I love him too much to do otherwise.I gave up a lot to be with my boyfriend, and I do truly believe he is the one, our relationship is so different to any relationship I have had before in life. I trust him with me completely in ways I have never let other men close to me. I completely adore him and I know he feels the same, but I also knows when his mother shouts, he is forced to listen, and right now, away from me, she is able to force her thoughts onto him, force him into a corner where the only way out would appear to be to leave me.While we are still talking ok, and still saying we love each other before bed, I know that he is deep in thought about this situation. I really don't want to lose him, so am trying to give him the space he is asking for, while making it clear that I am here for him. I'm avoiding complaining about how low I am feeling, for fear of pushing him further away. I'd sooner appear like the happy escape, than have him think I'm no more pleasant to be around than his mother.I am at a complete loss as to what to do. My parents think it ridiculous that he does not stand upto her, and find it hard to understand how I can respect him. But he really does treat me exactly as a man should treat a woman, and we have such a spark, emotionally and physically, he is the most important person in my life and I cannot imagine life without him. Any thoughts and advice as to where to go from here, sought and greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (24 April 2010):
I can appreciate what you are saying, that he may not be the one, and that I should cut my losses. But I am someone who will fight all the way for what I want, and what I know he wants too. He is not just my boyfriend, but my best friend, and I know that breaking up won't solve anything. We are a part of the same friendship circles, and having a spark means that when we are around each other, away from the whole problem that is his Mother, we will slide back into the relationship.I also know he won't have told his Mother we have broken up. Aside from the fact that she is friends with the both of us on facebook, and can see that we are set to 'in a relationship' and with each other.Breaking up with him is really not an option here. I am someone who believes that you should only break away from someone because you fall out of love, or because they hurt you through their own choice, physically or emotionally. While I appreciate that he could, and should, do more, I cannot blame him or hold him responsible for her behaviour. And if I walked away I would always regret it, and wonder what if we kept fighting, especially if I never met anyone I loved as much as I love him. He makes me think back to my previous relationships and wonder if I ever loved before at all.I am looking for solutions to this problem, that entail us being able to have a happy life together. We have spoken about the future, getting married, having children, what animals we will have etc. I want that future and I want it with him.Having had the chance to calm down a little, I have come up with some thoughts of my own. Given that his main concern is that he doesn't want to have two separate lives, one with me and one with his family, I have thought carefully and realised, that his Mother isnt the only person in his family! I have a good relationship with his Father, and with his younger brother and his teenage sister. I am also close to his cousin, who is his best friend, and have never had any problems with his cousins Mother (his Mums sister). Perhaps it would be good for me to continue to build my relationship with these people away from his home, ie taking his brother out for the day, going for dinner with his sister and his boyfriend, having a drink with his him his dad and cousin etc and hoping that if his Mother sees that other people are getting along with me perhaps she should too? They may even talk to her fondly of me as a result and encourage her to have a friendship with me.
A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 So, I don't think you can really separate your love of being in a relationship with your love for him. I am a person who doesn't like being alone either, I was in a succession of long-term relationships, and in retrospect, I think they lasted a lot longer than necessary because I didn't want to be single. It wasn't until I took a year and a half long relationship-break that I actually ended up meeting "the one" and getting married. I think you get so used to being with a boyfriend that all your habits become the habits of someone in a "couple" and being alone is unimaginable (like you have described). And that fear becomes part of your attachment to your current boyfriend. But it IS possible. Its even possible to lose someone you deeply love. And after loosing them, to find someone else that you love as much, and probably more. You shouldn't think that this has to be IT. It might not be, and that is ok. He is trying to break up with you because his mom told him to. You talked him out of it, (or into basically being together secretly) but I am sure he will be reporting back to his mom that he broke up with you. What exactly has he ever done to fix or even help this problem? I haven't heard one example. You have bent over backwards, and are willing to live with someone in your life who hates you blindly (someone who should at the very least respect you for loving her son), just to be with him, and he can't even tell her to back off and shut up? Its not balanced. "He told me that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone. But that the relationship shouldn't be this hard."The relationship is only hard because he refuses to deal with his mother, which for most people wouldn't be quite so big a deal. This behavior of avoiding problems will probably not get better, until he wants to grow up, which considering he has already passed 20, may NEVER happen. If I were you, I would keep the half-relationship going until after your exams, and then save your dignity and walk away from this guy. I know even the thought of the pain seems blinding, and doing that seems impossible, but it sounds like its what he wants, and it also sounds like what is best for you. Take the summer heal. If you can, go somewhere else and doing something out of the ordinary. Do you like kids? Maybe you can be nanny in a different country for the summer (I did that, it made a HUGE difference). He belongs to his mother. He will very likely marry someone not because he is particularly fond of them, but because his mother chose that person for him, and its just easier that way (and I'm guessing he hates and avoids things that aren't easy). By getting away from this guy, you will be saving yourself from a lifetime of having to deal with his problems for him (and your problems alone). And from a lifetime of having a mother-in-law who hates your guts. It might not seem so important now, but when you are married, you will want a real partner, not another child to care for. Try to see how its possible to move on. Good luck to you in your exams, and I hope things improve, one way or another!
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 Sounds like a situation where no one is good enough for mamma's boy. This reminds me of the movie "Mother in Law", if you haven't seen it, watch it.
It sounds as if you come across as a threat to her. Such as, with his love for you, takes her child away from her. She may feel as if she is being replaced or that with you're taking care of him, her (as being the mother taking care of her son) will no longer be needed.
You're right, he needs to stand up to her. Not doing so, and just allowing this to happen is feeding this insanity. He's an adult and needs to make decisions that he feels are best for him. Seeing what you write about how you two are together, that's one decision you'd think he'd be firm when making.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010): you need to sit and talk to your boyfriend about this he seems immature and he's a mammas boy... you need to tell him to grow up and either he stands up for you or you're leaving you should be the most important woman !!! above his mom... she already had her years to treat him like a baby he's not a baby anymore he should make his own decisions... he needs to move out it would be better for the both of you.. the mother probably feels like she has all control because he's living under her roof.. and if you do stay with him you need to stick up for yourself with his mom because she cant be treating you like crap it seems like you have tried being nice to her its time to stop being nice and being strong but of course to be strong your "man" has to be on your side not on his mommas! if he does chooses to stick up for you than you need to let his mother know that you aint going anywhere that you gonna be with him wether she likes it or not.. you need to show her who's boss and dont be nice anymore and if your BF dont like it then he could leave too theres plenty of good men out there you cant be stressin yourself out over his mother... you deserve better!!!
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A
female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (24 April 2010):
It was I who posted the question, in view of the responses I decided to sign upto an account. I was able to see my boyfriend tonight for a little while, although he was supposed to be working. What you mentionned, hpoco, about independance, is very true. He works for the family business and has done pretty much since he left school, having had a couple of other jobs inbetween that didn't work out. And you are right, he is the same age as me, 2 months younger in fact.
I told him that what he was doing was unfair, and that I needed to know where I stand. He said he needed time to think about the situation, but I made it clear I didn't think that there was a lot to think about, and that instead we needed to accept his Mothers wishes. He explained how even though he knows it isn't my fault, he doesn't want it to be difficult anymore. He wants to be able to take me for family meals, and if he wants to stay at home, he wants to know he can have me there. I tried to explain, that running away from me was not the solution, as his Mother is likely to just do the same thing again with the next girl who comes along. I told him that he needs to stop being weak and stand up for himself and tell her how it is, although he seemed fairly worn down and not upto the fight.
He said that he thought perhaps a 'break' was for the best. I said I couldn't believe the thought had even entered his head. I said as far as I was concerned, we had two options, to either accept it and carry on, or to try to talk to her, and to appeal to her better nature. Perhaps she doesn't understand how much we love each other. He thought this to be a bad idea, and insisted that she won't change her mind.
I tried to explain that leaving me was not the answer, and that you don't just stop loving someone, or forget about them. He left for 2 weeks last Summer admist a 'commitment freak out'. It nearly killed me, but I resisted temptation to text or call him that whole duration. Eventually, he made an effort to be in the same place as me, and we sorted things out. I tried to remind him of this tonight, and how it is no good him trying to leave, because we will just end up back together and i'd sooner avoid the heartache.
He told me that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone. But that the relationship shouldn't be this hard. Not that that's my fault, of course.
I asked him what a break would entail. I firstly said I didn't want to call it a 'break', so instead we're 'taking some time out'. I'm in my last two weeks of uni, and I really don't need the added stress right now. He said that we wouldn't see other people, we would still be together and text etc. I said that I needed to know his texts would be friendly and 'normal' or else I wouldn't be able to cope with a break. I also said that I wanted us to spend one evening a week together, just to catch up and make sure we dont essentially lose touch with each other.
I agreed to it on those terms, although it is far from what I want. I know it may take time for him to bring himself to stand upto her, and in the meantime I love him enough to support him through it. I hope in time his Mother will accept me, and maybe, as he wants, we could all be a family, although I hold out little hope.
I find one person I want to be with every few years. I havn't been single since I was 14, and I've always done the long term relationship thing. To an extent, I am scared of being alone. But that isn't the case here, whereby I am just scared of losing the man I believe to be the one.
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A
female
reader, hpoco +, writes (23 April 2010):
You said it correctly when you said he is a little boy, not a man. But, he's worse than that, he's not even behaving like an adolescent! At least 14/15/16 year-olds tell their parents to screw off sometimes, and they develop personal boundaries that their parents eventually respect. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend ever really had that phase, its like perhaps he never even desired independence from his mother (not normal). As he is now taking time away from you, because of her, he has effectively broken up with you for her. Its not good...
My Dad was overly attached to his mother, and his "little boy" behavior extended to other parts of his life. While he was very kind and playful and fun to be around, when things went wrong, he always expected someone else to solve his problems, he acted out like a child, and he never wanted to be in a position of responsibility anywhere. He hated being in charge of anything (even his own life) and it was problematic. Do you think your boyfriend's dependence on his mother extends to other parts of his life? Its something to think about...
If I were you, I would let him take this time, and I would put more distance between the two of you. You've been at this problem for a while, without any improvement. I'm going to assume your boyfriend is as old as you. He should be able to break away from his mother. You should consider the idea that this particular problem will NOT get better, and think about whether or not you can live with it.
I can hear in your post though that you are very much in love with him and have no real intentions of letting the relationship go. So, as a possible solution, you should take some clues from his mother and be a bit more like her. He responds to her negativity, and tries to appease her. Don't be so timid and willing to please him, making everything light and easy. Maybe he is the kind of person who will not choose until forced, who responds to power, and maybe if you exhibit some he'll push back against his mother. At the very least, you should be able to get him to tell his mom that either you can visit him at home, or he's going to try and move out. She might change her tune if he threatens to leave.
All his pondering is for nothing if he doesn't take some action and stand up to his mom. Don't feel so sorry for him, he's not really suffering, he has both of you desiring his loyalty and affection. I'm sure his mom is nice to him on a day-to-day basis. You are the one being treated unfairly, not him.
Anyway, keep up posted on how things go, good luck!
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