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His girlfriend is coming between my old friend and me!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends, Social Media, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 March 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 29 March 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I've been best friends with a guy from grade school, and we were so close and I love him like a brother. We don't see each other very much anymore since I went to college, but we always kept in regular contact via text and Facebook. He has a girlfriend who lives out of town for almost a year now, and I had never met her but I was glad he looked so happy with her from what I seen on Facebook. Anyway, a few weeks ago I went to our local pub with some friends and bumped into him, and we had a good chat, I was so pleased to see him and it was just like old times. He told me his girlfriend was in America and was due back in a few days. However, I couldn't help but feel that after I met him, he was being very dry with me. I couldn't work out what I'd done wrong. Apparently, he told his girlfriend he met me and was talking to me and she went crazy! She had known about our friendship and the nature of it from the start so I don't understand why it's suddenly a big issue for her now. I put a photo up on Facebook of me and him when we were younger and tagged him in it, but then he blocked me on everything, and had pointedly ignored me ever since. I am devastated that I have lost one of my closest friends. I sent his girlfriend a message on Facebook because I know for sure she is behind all this, saying that me and him have been friends for years and we aren't going to stop being friends just because she doesn't like it. Perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised but I got no reply from her. I am really hurt that he could just throw away years of friendship like this and since she has made it impossible for me to contact him, I can't even talk sense into him. What should I do? Should I just keep messaging him hoping he will see reason, or let it go and wait for them to break up so I can get my friend back?

View related questions: best friend, facebook, has a girlfriend, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThe way you reacted was childish and immature. The best thing you can do now is leave things be. He is the one that blocked you because to him his girlfriend matters more. You may have thought he was a close friend, but he obviously doesn't feel the same. You need to accept that the friendship is over and leave the two off them alone. Him blocking you was a cowardly thing to do, he should have been honest with you. But now you need to just accept he doesn't want the friendship and walk away with pride and dignity.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 March 2017):

Your former friend made the decision to comply; even if his girlfriend asked him to block you.

He apparently has set his relationship as his main priority. If she is uncomfortable with it, he had a choice between making her happy, or you. They've been apart and need time to focus on each other upon their reunion.

You're going back to when you were kids. You're not kids anymore. So friendships between opposite sexes are different in adulthood.

You really had no right to confront his girlfriend. Doing so made it look as though you're jealous and competing for his attention; and it also confirmed whatever misguided notions she may have.

Friendships have their place, and you have been out of touch for some time. That means the dynamic of the old friendship has now changed, and he now has a romantic-interest. This should indicate to you the old friendship isn't what it used to be. Like exes, sometimes friends move on too.

You're not taking it into consideration that he may have volunteered to discontinue contact for his own reasons. Whether she influenced that choice is irrelevant. He's the one who blocked you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntAssuming this guy is an adult of sound mind, he has control over what he does and who he speaks to. He has chosen to drop you as a friend to appease his girlfriend. It is HIS choice and you need to respect that. You cannot force someone to be your friend, regardless of your history.

While I can understand why you felt the need to contact his girlfriend, it was probably not a wise move as it just made you appear a little bit crazy. Don't be tempted to contact either of them again; SHE has nothing to do with you, and HE has blocked you.

I know losing him as a friend will leave a big hole in your life but you need to let him make his own bed while you move on with your life. If his girlfriend is as possessive as she appears (remember you only have his side of the story), then he is likely to get fed up at some point and drop her. He will possibly get back in contact then.

Hard as it is, try to forget about them and fill your time with other friends and activities.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (19 March 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI understand what you're saying... Till the point where you said that you messaged his girlfriend on Facebook.

You can't make statements on somebody else's behalf, saying that you'll be friends with them irrespective of how their partner feels. It sounds catty and like you're saying, "you might be new but I'm here forever and he's never going to leave me for you".

Well guess what, he showed you where you stand for him.

In situations like this, it's best to leave the guy alone. If he's your friend then he'll always be there for you; maybe not in the way that you want him to but he's going to stand by you when it's necessary. You need to let go of people. He's not a child and his girlfriend can't make him do stuff that he doesn't want to. He chose to not talk to you and you have to accept that. Maybe he wasn't that good a friend after all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017):

Everyone can get possessive, and facebook is one of the touchiest places where innocent gestures can be interpreted as hostile.

You meant well when you posted that picture of you and your friend, but it probably triggered something (either him or her) that led to him blocking you.

Look, the truth is even though you and him have been friends since grade school, he WILL stop being friends with you if she doesn't like it. This is how adult relationships work. He chose HER to be his life companion, and thus she is his priority. Friendship is a loose term, and friendships ebb and flow. I'm not saying their relationship is healthy and if she in fact asked him to block you, etc., it speaks to insecurity on her part, but she's also allowed to have emotions such as jealousy and state her preferences - your friend can decide whether or not he thinks those are reasonable and to comply with her preferences. You have no idea the nature of their relationship and why he did what he did. Maybe her dad cheated on her mom via a facebook acquaintance and any little thing that signals an affair will set her off, so your friend wants to make it absolutely clear that he's invested in her. Whatever the reason, it's between him and his girlfriend.

You're still really young, and so you might think that posting a pic of you and him on facebook is harmless reminiscence of the past, but this past should remain in the past. If you had posted a group photo, maybe it would be more acceptable.

Anyways, the point is - don't think too much on it. Our high school friendships come and go, give it some time. There are 3 billion ppl in this world, focus on your friends now, and your life now, and don't waste your energy preserving a friendship (good as it was) you had in high school when it's not reciprocated.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (19 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWho told you his girlfriend went crazy? Your friend?

Your (former) friend is the one who blocked you, I don't know how you "know for sure" his girlfriend is behind him blocking you and refusing to communicate with you, but unless she has somehow gained control of his fine motor skills he is the one who blocked you and made it impossible for you to contact him. He is also the one refusing to have you "talk sense" into him.

Your message to his girlfriend via facebook doesn't really deserve an answer .... what were you expecting sending such a message? And now you are surprise her boyfriend doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

You were rude and aggressive towards his girlfriend, you more or less intimated in your message to the girlfriend that you were more important to him than she was ... your former friend has made the right choice in standing by and sticking up for his girlfriend.

I doubt very much you will get your friend back if they do break up, you have effectively shown him your lack of respect for him and his choices.

Time to find yourself a new circle of friends.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (19 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWho told you his girlfriend went crazy? Your friend?

Your (former) friend is the one who blocked you, I don't know how you "know for sure" his girlfriend is behind him blocking you and refusing to communicate with you, but unless she has somehow gained control of his fine motor skills he is the one who blocked you and made it impossible for you to contact him. He is also the one refusing to have you "talk sense" into him.

Your message to his girlfriend via facebook doesn't really deserve an answer .... what were you expecting sending such a message? And now you are surprise her boyfriend doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

You were rude and aggressive towards his girlfriend, you more or less intimated in your message to the girlfriend that you were more important to him than she was ... your former friend has made the right choice in standing by and sticking up for his girlfriend.

I doubt very much you will get your friend back if they do break up, you have effectively shown him your lack of respect for him and his choices.

Time to find yourself a new circle of friends.

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