A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for a year now and have never been happier in a relationship. We are really in love. His wife died over 4 years ago, and although he has been through his grief and now wants to move on, but I am getting a lot of problems from his family and friends. Although they all seem to like me, they really resent him having a girlfriend, and seem to want him to be in mourning forever. We are both 52 and want to start a new life together, but the comments about his 'perfect wife' and no one being able to take her place really get me down. I have been civil and polite and tried hard with everyone, but I am sick of it. He has moved on, why cant they? Can anyone who has been through this themselves give me any advice on how to cope with it. They are a very close family and regularly meet up as they live close by, I feel awkward and embarassed knowing what they are thinking all the time. They display pictures of the wife in all their houses and never stop talking about her. What can I do? I love this man more than anything, he says the same of me, We have a great future together. I would like to make it clear I am not jealous in any way, I just want everyone to accept his new life and let us get on with it.
View related questions:
jealous, move on Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all of you for your advice. To donna, when they do discuss his wife, I always ask questions and be nice about her. I want them to know I would never forget her memory. He has stood up for me on occasions, and Im so proud of him for it. I will just have to let time deal with it. p.s. he has asked me to get engaged!!!! will have to wait and see what that brings...
A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (11 July 2007):
I think that you have been doing the right thing so far. If it is really bad, either both of you or your partner should speak to a member of the family that would carry some influence with the rest. Explain that you don’t want to replace his wife, that this is a new beginning for him, that they must surely be glad of. Ask them to lighten up a bit. I would be wary about doing this unless you have to though, because it might be making more of this problem than is already there. What I mean is that they might take it the wrong way – that you ARE trying to oust her from their memory. One tactic – if you can bring yourself to do it convincingly - might be to ask them about her. If you show a friendly interest in her, say that she seems to have been a really great person, they won’t think that you are trying to erase her from history. Also, they may not realise how much they are doing this of course, some of us can be quite dense about this kind of thing. I certainly agree with the others that time is on your side.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 July 2007):
 Maybe you need to have a long chat with him and see if the both of you can hit on a solution. Since it's his family perhaps he can speak to each of them on a one on one basis and get them to see that it's time for them to move on. The ones who truly care about him will, the ones who are jealous or petty will not. In the meantime, when the subject of his deceased wife comes up be polite then steer the conversation in another direction. Time is on your side.
...............................
A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (11 July 2007):
 Ah darling,
You poor thing his family obviously thought a lot of his wife and it was a shock when she passed on I am sure they don't mean to up set you in any way and you have been understanding but need to let them know you understand their grief and that they are concerned for him, but he has choosen to move on with his life and you are now a big part of it, you don't expect them to ever for get her and you really don't mind them talking about her but it is making you feel uncomfortable when they are constantly talking about her all the time.....
Tell them you love him dearly and intend to make him happy and you hope they can be happy for him, he does not want to be on his own for the rest of his life he is still a young man and intitled to be happy with whom ever he chooses to be with he does not want to be mourning his dead wife for the rest of his life this is asking too much from him...
Carry on being civil and polite but you really need to talk darling I know its a tough one but speak from the heart I am sure they will understand, it must be hard for you coming into a close nit family like this but don't allow yourself feel unhappy about it you sound like a lovely lady and they will eventually see this...
All the best my love
Love Donna xx
...............................
A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (11 July 2007):
 Hi babe, this is something which will fade, as time goes by.. I think maybe you should give them all some time.. I hope i helped. Mail me if you would like to talk x x
...............................
|
