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His family is getting me down. What should I do?

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 December 2017)
A female India age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone.. i need help and opinion from you about my husband.

We are newly married and still living with his parents house for financial security and cultural things. We plan that once we can financially stable we will move out and live on our own. But now, as i live in his house, there's so much differences in habit and views with his parent that lead us to resent each other. I've told and complained to him how his mom treat me, frowning when I'm around,ignoring me, and sometimes sarcastically said something to hurt my feelings. She thinks that would change me to what she wish for.

I cant stand the abuse. Yes i know she hopes that i can be more helping around the house and their business things but im just not interested in that. So do my husband who choose to has his own business and is now very busy with it. The reason we dislike to involve in them is they are controlling parent who think their children financially dependent on them then they can control their life. Its not just happen with me and my husband. It happen to his other siblings too. Yes all their children is still dependent on them sometimes. My husband is the youngest one and the one who start his own business and the most independent between them.

I become so upset with their parent treatment and i often told and complained how bad theyre especially his mom. He said he cant side with any of us and suggest me to have a talk with her. And of course i refuse the idea. Then last week he cant stand my complains and told his sister about this. He told her to ask his mom why she treated me like that. And his sister blamed his mom about her actions.

Unsuprisingly, his mom defended herself and said im the one who started it and how uncapable me as a wife for him. How uncapable and irresponsible of me as the daughter in law. How disrespectful me as a woman. She blamed me in front of my husband and father in law.

I asked my husband why he did that, why he confronted her. I know she will defend herself. Its just useless to confront her. He said he did that so we can talk and solve our problems. And honestly things get better now because i know what her demands and she now not ignoring and treat me better.

I asked some of my friends about what they think my husband is. Some of them say he is such a jerk for putting me in a difficult situation and created drama. Some of them said its just how man solve problem. Having a talk.

What do you think?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (13 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI remember reading your posts in the past and answering you. Yet you always post with the same question but nothing ever changes. You need to stop blaming the world for you being unhappy. You need to start taking some responsibility for your own life and your own happiness. Off course you can move out, you are an adult you TELL his mother you are leaving you don't ask she is not your boss, you are not a prisoner. Talk more to your husband. You should both move to your own place. However this means stop allowing his parents to financially support you. You are both adults so start looking after yourselves. Get more work. Do more things around the house, cooking, cleaning, part time work. You need to be able to look after yourself financially if you want to be independent.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017):

Wiseowle, you got all the point there. Actually I have my own house nearby. But his mom probably won't let us move out. Before we marry my husband has asked her if we live separately and she disagree. His sister asked me that who will take care of them in their old day if they're sick. And they will be only 2 of them in the house.

I feel that she will always control our life as long as she lives. I feel so lonely and stuck living there. There is no love in their family.

You know what. She isn't a caring mother that worries about their children health and well being if they work too hard. She won’t care about my husband safety and health when he is working too hard. But she afraid that my husband has bad friends and lie to her about his job and she ask my father in law to stalk my husband when he is working. Then next she got a prank phone call which asks for money. It said that my husband is involved in narcotics and get caught by police. That’s actually happen and very common prank call asking for money. Then she demand narcotics test from my husband. He did and of course the result came out negative. She angrily asked the laboratory if they lie. They said what for they lie and my husband wont so relaxed if he did use drugs.

My parent in law doesn’t have good relationship after all. Once they have an argument, mil will run from home and they don’t speak for a month. Its how she has relationship with her own husband. How can I expect more from them? There’s no love in that family and I feel so lonely.

My husband knows his parent trait and far from our wedding he prepared himself for stable job. he even think about having dependent on his own financially so that his parent cant control our life and his parent will look up for me.

Basically we can’t move out now if we want to. But his mom won’t let because she wants us to take care of them in their old age and she demands us to continue their business that we dislike. Also she wants me to be more involve in their housework like cooking which I also hate their kitchen. Dirty, messy and rats running over sometimes. My husband tells me to go home everyday and avoid having so much contact with his mom. But she confronted me and said my husband spoiled me too much and not demanding anything for me that he doesn’t complain when I go home everyday. When I'm going home and ask for permission from her. She would frown and ignore me. Passive aggressive is her way showing me her authority.

I don’t tell any of my problems with my family because I don’t want my parent to worry about me. I always tell they’re kind to me. But my dad can feel his mom is self cantered far from we marry.

So how should I do now? I’m stuck in an unhappy life.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 December 2017):

I meant to say"

"Learn from her, except for her abusive-ways and cattiness.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 December 2017):

If you are living with in-laws and depending on them financially; you are also submitting to their will and their rules. While you are under their roof, they will interfere with your marriage, give their unsolicited opinions, and abuse their power. That's how it goes when you use your in-laws; while you build your own financial-security.

I have to admit that your story is somewhat obscure and gets confusing, because you first say she's cruel and abusive; then your husband intervenes. After-which you said things got better between you and your mother-in-law. So what's the problem? Does it really matter how he went about making the peace, as long as he got the results you wanted?

You are living under their roof! You expect your husband to show his ingratitude by confronting his mother? He asked his sister, who apparently has a way with her mother. So now things are somewhat better. You are the one who complained; so why was it wrong for your sister-in-law to inform your mother-in-law you've got a problem with how she treats you? You could have faced her yourself.

You complained to your husband, when you're the one unhappy with their family-traditions, habits, and house-rules. You're the one who has a problem with his mother. If these people were complete monsters, I think they'd put you out on the street and let you two full-grown adults fend for yourselves.

They don't even have to have you living with them to pull the purse-strings. They can do that from a distance. If your husband and his siblings are tightly connected to his parents financially; they will manipulate them through their wealth, wherever they may be.

By the way, that only works if the purse-strings are attached! Sever your ties of financial-dependency; and you're free to go, and have nothing more to do with them!

They're helping you, why is it wrong to expect something from you as part of the family?

So if your husband and his siblings are financially-dependent on their parents; they don't just get to enjoy the wealth, and give nothing back in return. You don't get to use them while they sit passively aside; and dole out the cash and give you comforts, while you save your own money.

Yes, she is going to defend her position in her own house; even if she's 100% wrong! Now you and your husband have the motivation to get out of there as quickly as humanly possible. They are not good people to live with. So move! Go live with your own parents!

"Yes i know she hopes that i can be more helping around the house and their business things but im just not interested in that."

There's your problem in a nutshell.

Help around the house. Change your attitude, if for no other reason but to get along, and to adapt to your environment.

Have you heard of something called "compromise." They are saving you money! You have a roof over your head! You could just as easily live in your own home; or with your parents instead. Why haven't your parents taken you in, if his parents are so awful to you? Particularly his mother?

I advise, while living there; be helpful around the house. Show more interest in their business; which is likely to eventually be your husband's inheritance. From which you too will benefit. Enterprises shared by families is the legacy you build together and pass on to your children. It's what they're going to do; and you will too, when you have your own children. You will also attempt to run their lives and be a bossy mother-in-law someday.

Your mother-in-law is also toughening you up, and shaping you up to be a business-woman; and a strong female figure in your household (and business). Learn from her, accept for her abusive-ways and cattiness. Use her example to show your strength and power as a woman. She's a power to be reckoned with. She's no weak passive-female, letting her husband and children run her to pieces. She has a voice in her house. Like it or not!

It is not uncommon in your culture for parents to arrange marriages and to control their children. This is nothing new to you; you simply don't like his mother. Well, you live under the same roof; so you will have to show her the respect she wants, and maybe you'll both get along better.

Even better, get your own place! If you don't like their house; go out and struggle on your own! Be more involved and proactive in helping your husband get his business off the ground. Otherwise; be grateful, compromise, respectful, and put-up with your old-school mother-in-law. As long as you live with them; and still enjoy the comforts of their home and prosperity.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThe big difference between men and women (of most cultures, I suspect) is that women just want to talk and have someone just listen, while men feel they have to FIX things.

Your husband was obviously fed up of you moaning at him but not doing anything to help yourself, so he stepped in and tried his best to help by confronting the situation head-on. If you had just wanted him to be a sounding board for your frustrations with your mother in law, you should have spelled this out to him and made sure he knew you did NOT want him to confront her.

As it happens, it sounds like he did the right thing because you admit things have improved with your mother in law. You are both more aware of each other's expectations and frustrations, and it sounds like you are both making more of an effort to get on together. Why would that make your husband a "jerk" or anything else bad? He did his best to improve your life. YOU are the one being a jerk in all this.

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